Learning all over again

This Great Reset has indeed lived up to its name, hasn’t it? In unplugging from so much of what our lives had become, a giant reboot is happening inside of many of our hearts and our homes. We’ve had the chance to reevaluate, to grow, find pain points, and to come to realizations along the way. You know what’s interesting? Almost everything I’m learning is actually a re-learning, learning all over again things that I already knew (or thought I did). I’m re-realizing some I had once known and kind of forgotten, and others I needed to practice a little better. Anyone with me?

It’s interesting how Life keeps handing you the same lessons, sometimes. A curriculum on repeat.

It feels like you must be really dumb, or a really slow learner, or pretty thick headed to circle back to these things again. That may not necessarily be the case. Maybe it is (raising my hand!) Either way, each chance to relearn the most important things is actually an opportunity to go deeper, and to embody truth more truthfully and deeply. To clarify. Life get complicated and cluttered. Sometimes you need to clear some space and get back to the core.

Like a car whose alignment had gone off-kilter from some serious bumps in the road, I had too. I was struggling to steer straight, even more than I realized. This time has been a giant recalibrating to my truest self. There have been no seismic shifts or grand enlightenments. But yet, in reconnecting to my core in a deeper way, maybe there has.

“Life is made for enjoying, for loving, and for sharing. Quality time with my young family is one of my greatest joys, whether we are taking a special trip together or watching the sun set from our backyard.” That’s what I wrote on my first attempt at an “about me” page on my blog. While truer words I’ve hardly spoken and it’s truly how I really feel most of my life, this time has shed a light on a few cracks in the walls, and I’ve seen them loud and clear. Those words have never been put to the test more than right now.

Now, on the one hand, I shouldn’t be surprised, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I just was set to embark on a new journey, becoming a mostly stay-at-home mom. I had found myself too rushed, too short with my kids, too hurried. I realized that my schedule had ceased to work for me, and instead, was causing me too much resistance towards what I value the most- loving well, and connection.

So, here I found myself, in the pandemic like everyone else. Alone, but not alone, all but locked in the house with my kids and husband. And it was great, except for the parts where it wasn’t. The beginning was the scariest, of course. The fear was palpable. But after some time, that feeling started to recede, the tide of fear rolling out in much the same way that I came in, a natural ebb receding to open up a little more space. When my time was free of some of the all-encompassing scariness of it all, it gave way to some more of the natural disturbances. The needs of the kids, the upkeep of the house, the endless meals and clean up. It all moved along into its usual areas of great, boring, difficult and lovely. Normal life in a nutshell.

Each day, each week as it ticked by was another chance to get it more right.

I realized I was having trouble connecting. I was distracted. I was short. I looked at my children when they spoke to me and wondered why i felt impatient instead of present. I was following through on many of the actions, doing what I most value, but I was feeling disconnected from the JOY.

Eventually, I came to realize that my greatest resistance wasn’t actually my schedule. It was who I was becoming, slowly and without realizing it, as I moved throughout my days. Maybe it started because of my schedule and it’s added pressure. But the schedule was merely a catalyst, an outside factor that started to touch on and expose some of my own internal failings.

And by failings I mean flaws in my choices when under pressure. The places where I was falling short, where I would feel an emotion, and fall onto something else in order to get by. All of those tiny crutches, the habits I didn’t really give too much thought to. Leaving the house for an adventure, escape, or a distraction. A glass of wine to relax. A schedule and routine that provided appropriate disruption from my discomfort. A cookie, coffee and wander at the bookstore. None of them bad, but all of them used as an escape sometimes.

When they disappear, you’re left with you.

With each type of escape that was removed, the only few that still remained available became blaringly obvious. Like my go-to emotions, the distractions of housework, or honestly, the stupid phone. I could see more clearly those tiny choices I was making that were causing a disconnect between what I most wanted out of life and what I was actually creating.

I had somehow lost touch with some of my deepest seated values. I still ascribed to them in theory, as well as in practice. But a disconnect had happened in my heart somewhere along the way, small points of contact got missed, and I really could feel the effects. It probably looked mostly the same from the outside. But inside, I felt off. I needed to get realigned.

Life is full of check points, places where we can stop and see, consider how things are going. This time is a grand example of that, but there are always points like this along the way.

Right now, in this season, I needed some time to practice. And God knew I need not allow myself any distractions from really seeing clearly, or from allowing myself the chance to really do a better job. Being present, being loving, being kind.

What is it about our lives and the pace we keep, that we forget how to practice what we value most deeply? I mean, how had I forgotten how to love well??? It’s not that I wasn’t trying. I really was. But I was a little off. I guess sometimes you really do need a reset. It was time to get back to dead center.

It’s as if everything I knew to be true about what is truly important has had a chance to travel further from my head and deeper into my heart. And then it’s had a chance to come out better through my hands, my mouth, and my body.

The question hangs in the balance here: will there be great changes that happen from this, or will life default back to its normal rhythms of school, work, and activities? Everyone talks of changes but what will it really look “after” this?

I don’t know, but I do know we each will have a lot of chance to practice what we’re learning. I also know that if we don’t get it right, love and life will find a way to give us more chances to learn. Let’s just hope it’s not another pandemic. And let’s hope we’re learning what we need now. ❤️

Tell me, what are you having to relearn? How are you realigning with your greatest joys in life after unplugging for a while? I really want to hear. I’m pretty sure many of us feel even more connected to where we thought we should be anyway.