The Importance of Disagreeing

I think it’s safe to say that there’s no shortage of disagreements these days. It’s especially easy with something like an election to think, “Well, clearly, about half of us are getting it wrong.”
We’re pretty sure that we are right. It’s enough to make us want to simultaneously wield a sword in debate, and also run and hide. (How’s that for fight or flight?) What’s a person to do? It’s important that we don’t forget the art, the importance of disagreeing. The way that we do it is of utmost importance.

It can be baffling as to why others don’t see things as we see it. I know extremely good, intelligent, kind people on both sides, and you probably do too. How come we can look at the same thing and see it so differently?? It’s not supposed to be all about ‘being’ right or wrong. Because no one person ever is, all right, all wrong.

We’re all walking circles around the truth. Trying to find it, discuss it, decipher it. It’s too big for any of us to hold all of it. While is exactly why we need to keep talking about it.

Have you ever been driving down the road with someone, kids especially. You see something that they might find interesting, you point it out, then only to be bombarded with “where”s, or “I don’t see it”. Then ensues a maddening conversation about what it was, where it was, and frustrations on both side. You wonder how they don’t see it, you question that they did. It is so frustrating. You then have a couple of choices. 1) Keep arguing (though yelling “THERE, Idiot!” , in frustration rarely works), 2)try again, hopefully more successfully, by pulling over, circling back, and/ or using better descriptions, or 3) let it go.

We can’t force our vision on each other, nor really should we. We’re not supposed to agree about everything ( two humans can), nor do we have to in order to live together. With our own defenses, we’re too quick to put one another or ourselves in certain categories (Blue/Red, Left/Right/Center. All words and ideas that define, and often ultimately divide us. It is then far too easy to disregard the human being behind the label. To forget as well, the importance of disagreeing itself. The key then is to be able to agree to disagree about some things and not let disagreement turn to hatred.

We shouldn’t give in to the temptation to discredit one another personally just because we see things differently. We should be able to, are supposed to be able to, talk about the things, attempt to see them from a different angle or experience, and remember that on the other side of that line, there lies a real, true fellow human being. Not disregarding one another, but remembering our shared humanity. We too, must let go of the outcome of these discussions.

Humans will never agree about everything, and those moments of disagreement make us want to fight or flight. It’s uncomfortable. But growth IS always uncomfortable. Growing your perspective and your thoughts, learning to see things through the eyes of your fellow human beings is some of the most important work of all.

It’s like when you work on something around the house. Your efforts are solid. Yet never quite good enough. Each venture merely uncovers more projects and issues that need to be tended to.  It reminds me of when the previous owner of our house handed over the keys to us, the newlyweds. “Feels like I’ve been working all of this time and just now, when I’ve gotten everything situated, we’re leaving.” 

True, wasn’t much that needed to be done right then. Just a little paint in the kitchen, get rid of the purple and green curtains, too. But over time, of course there was more to do. Our perfect yellow needed changing, then the next thing, then the next. If the previous owner had stayed, he’d probably have found more work to do, too.
The reality is, the work is never done. 
Until we’re done.
So then I guess the question is do I want to be done? Or do I want to keep becoming, do I want my community to keep becoming something better?
If so, what will it take?

Do I set down the hammer and nail ?
Or do I swing and hit more nails?

It depends, most of all, on what you’re busy hammering. Are you crucifying people with those words, those nails. Or are you trying to building bridges between yourselves?

When we use words and emotion to attack one another, we drive ourselves apart further. Red, blue. Black, white. When we use our words, emotions, and intellect to lay planks of understanding between another, we build bridges.

All of the best intentions sometimes are mere shadows of what it might take to build better bridges. We must keep trying.

I’ve gotten pulled into conversations lately, and it’s not always comfortable. Okay, most them I stepped into willingly, something burning in my heart, seeking to do no harm. But often times, I’m left wondering. Wrestling. Some started with a tie dip. Some where more bold steps into the shallow, or even downright deep end. Some felt, by the end, like I’d stepped into a pile of proverbial horse manure.  Some of which make me wish that they never happened.

Because we humans can be frustrating, frighteningly cool, even downright volatile.
After engaging as open minded, level headed, heart centered and calm- natured as I can be, I most often feel like I am none of those things enough at all.

I walk away bothered. By judgement calls, misunderstanding. Presuppositions. And I’m counting the troubling words, at the same time that I’m wiping the blade clean from the mess mine may have made.
Correction. Most probably have made.

The righteousness indignation is strong in that one. Even when she thinks it not.

Sometimes, the very thing we find and what troubles us is actually what we find out about ourselves. These conversations hold up a mirror for ourselves. But sometimes (often?) we cant realize or accept what it is showing us about ourselves. That perhaps is what often brings the most discomfort. And also why it is most important.

Maybe that’s one of the best things that can happen from disagreement. These conversations give us the chance to look in the mirror. The hold up the mirror for ourselves to remember our own flaws. Then we have also the chance to look for more goodness – goodness that exists outside of ourselves, with our neighbors, instead of just looking within us.

I think that those who say “You won’t change anyone’s mind on Facebook” are most definitely true. But maybe that’s not really the point anyway. Maybe we don’t need to talk about things because we will ever convince someone “otherwise”. But because we need to keep trying to find the truth ourselves.

For that very reason, I think we need to keep having the conversations, especially when you can do so respectfully. Don’t be afraid or limited to being fully right or wrong.
Keep listening, and talking, inquiring, and most of all, not injuring with your words as much as possible. Agreeing when you can, without feeling you must blend completely in to anyone’s worldview. Disagreeing, yet continuing at times to discuss because we want to collectively find truth, and what it looks like here on this broken earth.

As for Truth— none of us are standing firmly on top of it all, holding court for the whole, a victor. (I do believe that only One is, the Maker of the stars.) The rest of us are merely trying to sort things out here on earth as best we can.

Weighing and measuring our earthly troubles and problems. The ones which are both immeasurably important and infinitely small compared with the whole, both what has been and what will be.

Use your knowledge and intellect, heart and soul, to build bridges of understanding and hope. Even when we don’t understand (yet) or even slightly agree.

Better days will be coming, already are on the way. Don’t shut your mind or your heart out from trying to find truth. Grapple with it. Wrestle with it. Let it overtake you. But don’t wrestle with each other. We’re together, in this same arena. Circling the same stories, trying to find what’s true.

Keep looking for Truth. Looking for it, talking about it, trying to figure it out. Don’t forget that disagreeing does not have to mean division. Be okay living in the tension of not fully understanding.If you’re heated, maybe take a breathe, step back. But don’be afraid to try again. Common ground is only found in proximity. Conversations are connection.
Aim to build bridges not walls.

We all still have so much to learn, so much to build. I guess that’s why we’re still here. ❤️

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