You’re Beautiful, and there’s enough For Today

We sat on the library’s carpeted floor together. A new space in a familiar place. We sit crossed legged, tiny boots tucked under hands that are clasped together in anticipation and excitement. It’s been two long years since we were here. They may have started a while ago, who knows, but today is our first, and for us it is a triumphant return.

It is March.  We are emerging from a long winter’s retreat of sorts.  Like we always do.  Only different.  Because #twoyears. Because #lastyears.  But I again, doggedly refuse to return to the mental thoughts on a path to guilt. 

Two years ago we were coming out from the winter past, too. Once again facing spring, we were ready for adventure again, less layers to lug, less incliment weather and winter fevers to juggle. Closely followed was the anticipation of kindergarten in the fall. The thoughts of “seize the time!” run strong in transitions, and here we are again, another time, another story, similar theme. I almost felt upset for a moment- at what was lost during those two years. But I know that’s not true, it’s not really helpful. If I’m being really honest with myself I probably wanted to kick myself more for the times I didn’t go and I could have. But that isn’t either. So instead, I listen and look around me, where we are, today.

I hear the old songs and some new stories.  I watch as my son dances and spins. An older one among them, but still young enough to be free.  To dance and jump.  A leader now, but still following the music, instructions, delight.  Yes, it is a delight to watch this.  

Then I hear again that familiar song. The old one I know do well, if not by the number of times I’ve heard it, by the depth.  
“I see something beautiful…Beautiful… I hear something beautiful.  It’s beautiful. .”
The song is song by the same musical storyteller.  It speaks of babies crying, sisters sleeping, dads laughing.  People, at their best and their worst, beautiful. At their silliest, their boldest, in their missteps and striving, resting and playfully.  Both. All. Beautiful.  It makes me cry.  Every. Time. (This thought will not surprise my husband.) But this is so deep it’s different even.

 
I remember that one time, probably three years back, when I first heard it.  Arriving late (as usual) with my young children.  Frustrated, faltering, at myself and my failings.  At being late. Imperfect.  Frustrated.  The circle of it all.  

Being surrounded by bolder wilder hair, chubbier hands, fluffier cheeks, even more colorful clothing choices.  And I remember that song.  Traveling all the way from the front of the room where Jason sang, allll the way to the back where I stood, rocking and juggling both babes and my own guilt.  That song went straight through, all the way back there, straight through to my heart. I cried then, just as I did today. I felt so seem.  As if someone looked right at my good and bad, troubled, yet loving heart, and said.  “I see you.  And you are beautiful.  Even in all of your failings and falterings, you’re still so beautiful.” 

They had really.  We’re all told to sing along.  I heard us all sing it.  I heard myself sing it.  But I heard it as if it were sung straight to my heart.  And, it was. 

It’s always been playing.  Over all of us.  We just need the ears to hear it.  To listen.  We’re just too stubborn or selfish or slow to.  To stubborn to hear it.  Instead we’re stubbornly looking at what’s wrong with us and what we’re doing wrong.  

Which is why now, as I hear it (and cry again) I stubbornly refuse to give in to that thinking.  Of looking back over my shoulder. Counting my faults and all the ways it could have been even slightly better.  

Hindsight isn’t always as 20/20 as it tends to be rose colored instead. When you think of what you missed or are missing, the ball that you dropped, you can forget what you chose instead- morning cuddles, warm cozy, peace of mind, avoiding the hustle and bustle sometimes. Always there were Kids to keep track of, personalities and things in the mix. That will never change. We may all grow and change, but we still get hungry and tired and thirsty. We have still have sicknesses, schedules, work, deadlines, dinners, busyness and bossiness. All of the things. When you look back, you can forget why you weren’t there or were. You might wish for a different ratio of things. “I Wish I’d done more of this…, less of that.” You can forget what you were thinking and feeling at the time of decision.

It will always be that way if you let it.  You will always be doing something “wrong.”  Dropping the ball.  Noticing your lack.  

But you forget, when you do this, you were doing your best at the time. So don’t. Not this time. There is enough for this moment.

Do you notice what IS, right before? What’s surrounding you, right now?

The GRACE for today. The mercy that’s surrounds you and your every feeble move and heart beat? JUST HOW beautiful you are? HOW MUCH YOU ARE LOVED? Right now? 

Today, you are loved and seen and known.  Just as you are. And you don’t have to be “doing” any better.  Just BE.  You’re already beautiful, momma. You’re doing a beautiful job.

You don’t have to keep looking back in your rearview mirror wistfully, or longingly forward, worrying about what you might mess up next, or be messing up today.  Just accept that it doesn’t have to be perfect. Not you, not them, not your partner, or your circumstances. None of it.  It doesn’t have to be perfect for you to be loved. it doesn’t have to be perfect for you to enjoy it. You just need to be there, where you are, and show up. 

You’re embraced- where are you are, wherever your feet go today.

Whether you’re surrounded by chubby feet or those are long gone. Whether you think you did a good job or not. You are beautiful.  Stop looking back, stop striving. 

You’re beautiful, and Loved.  

Just as you are. Today.   

Hear that song, singing over you today, too. Right where you are. Loved.