Aim To Disappoint

Hi, I’m Courtney, and I’m a recovering People Pleaser (raising hand high.) Anyone else? Well you’re in good company. I have spent a great deal of time in my life aiming to please people, longing for approval, and craving recognition for a job well done. Sound familiar? Keep reading. Because I’m not doing it anymore (mostly), and I’m going to tell you why. There are many things that have brought me to this realization, like the slow unpeeling of an onion, and I am in many ways, still arriving here.

For years I heard Kelly Ripa say, “I aim to disappoint everyone just little bit each day.” I always thought that was crazy. I’d laugh, though, and think, ‘That works for her. But that’s not me.” I may have even secretly thought ‘I must be more selfless or giving.” Ha. A few years, a few adventures, and a few kids later, I GET IT.

It began first for me with the inability to do so after having my second child. I mean, a first child can be the catalyst for some, for others, it might be their fourth or fifth. For me, however, as a super hustler with a side of people pleaser, I could do so much still with my one child. She was mostly agreeable, and her schedule was super flexible and I could bring her (almost) anywhere- mountain tops, restaurants, and almost anywhere in between . My people pleasing life continued after she arrived with very little disruption.

However, child number two changed all of that. Have one kid, will travel. two kids, and it didn’t work out quite so seamlessly. By necessity, I learned to establish some boundaries for myself. It took me becoming physically incapable of obliging all of the time to, well, stop obliging. So that was a good start.

Then something else started happening. I started connecting with my own dreams, and beyond just dreams, but PURPOSE. I suddenly realized I could not pursue both simultaneously. And also, this bottom line truth:

I was not put on this earth to. please. other. people.

Let that sink in a little bit. We did not arrive on this planet to make other people happy. We were put on the earth to do great things- in big and small ways- to do them well, and to share our unique creativity and perspective. But we were not put here for the feedback.

Being motivated to help people is not the same thing as being a people pleaser.

We may serve, or bless, but our goal should never be just have other people pat us on the head, compliment us, congratulate us, or feel happy with us. Being a people pleaser means the focus is on the feedback, the sense of self worth, and the sense of love or security we feel in that.

I have a natural bend toward helping, and maybe you do too. Some of us are more likely to grow into these habits than others. Maybe it’s the way that we were raised, maybe it was too much praise at home or a lack thereof. Maybe it’s tied up to your natural giftings as a performer or tendency as a helper. You do something, or help, then people appreciate you, maybe give you a pat on the head, so you go out and help/do/be more. Now, this cycle of recognition/reward is a very natural side effect. But it’s a side effect that can too easily become our CAUSE.

DOING what we were born to do should be our cause. Though I want to help, making others happy with my efforts should not be my goal. My focus should be on doing my part, not the desired outcome feedback.

Let’s be honest. Trying to please other people is an effort to fill a deep need for acceptance and recognition, wrapped in a package of kindness. But at the core, you’re looking for feedback and love based on what you’re doing. It causes you to rely on the feedback. People’s feedback is malleable, based on their day, their desires, their own process. It sometimes has absolutely nothing to do with you. It may connect with something you’ve done in a meaningful way, but it’s not indelibly tied to your life or meaning.

The reality is, if you’re aiming to please those around you all day, the only one that you will disappoint at the end of the day is yourself. I think it also speaks to boundaries. If you’re not “failing” others little, you’re failing yourself and your destiny more completely.

You’re a conscientious person and a very good worker. You’ve honed skills and developed a fantastic work ethic. But, allowing worth to be immediately tied to work, and even more specifically to the feedback from the work, is not a healthy approach. All that you do is important, and it is best when it comes from a deep sense of value that you know, not be the thing that makes valuable.

Whether you’re mowing a lawn, ironing a shirt, stocking a shelf, designing a website, building a birdhouse, or creating a piece of art, if you can approach it with that distinction, your heart will be more clear and I bet that your work will be even better. You are doing the thing you are doing to the best of your current ability because you are a creative, strong, intelligent, capable, and hard working person, who has value to share. If it blesses other people, that’s fantastic, and you hope it does. But that is neither your goal nor your business. When something falls flat or you make a mistakable, it doesn’t crush you so deeply. Your value is not tied to the outcome or the feedback. Your value is in that deep seated individual spark that God put in you from the very moment you were created.

God didn’t place you on the earth to receive great feedback and not upset anyone. He didn’t place you here to make other people happy. Your aim is to add and provide value wherever you go, and with whatever work that you do, But not to seek your value from it.

I am now okay with disappointing. It is a new stance that I have taken out of necessity, some level of failure (I cannot do it all), and with the realization of what it means to walk toward my destiny. It’s not that I’m actually TRYING to disappoint anyone. I’m just learning my own limitations. I have learned to ALLOW myself to not please everyone or anyone at any given time, while still doing my best. It’s called being free.

I hope that you can join me.