The national discussion about fear the past few days has been enlightening, to say the least. But not really in a good way. More than any one issue or politician or side, this has me so saddened and, frankly, a bit worried about the state and the soul of our country. I can’t stand by and say nothing. So here goes.
(Let me first say this. Though sparked by a political discussion, this post is actually going to be as a-political possible. This is a gleaning from across the board, learning through personal development, working on mindset, reading books, listening to talks, podcasts, sermons, and seminars. (Personally I’ve pressed into my faith, but that’s just my choice.) This is not a religious thing, this is not a left/right thing or a politics thing. This is a human thing.Leaders across the board and from various disciplines seem to agree about this topic. Entrepreneurs, Democrats, Republicans, people of faith in God, faith in the universe, or just plain faith in the human spirit, and those who create great change, and often help others do it, too, all agree.
Fear is not your friend.
photo courtesy @norwood via unsplash
Yes, fear is a very real part of being human. So this is not to dismiss your feelings or the realities you might be facing. It’s more about understanding that fear shouldn’t dictate your life, dominate your thoughts, or call all of the shots.
Yes, fear packs a strong punch. It places a heavy burden on your shoulders, and if you’re not careful, is a strong undertow that will pull you under.
So, yes, fear of course is real. But it shouldn’t take the headlines.
Speaking of headlines, our president – love him, hate him, or indifferent (I fall toward the last, though many think it impossible) -told us not to fear something. And we’re up in arms.
How insensitive, disrespectful, misguided! These pronouncements were made by the hundreds of thousands. Anger and indignation. Even mainstream news was outraged. “President downplays the threat” read the news headline. (Now, is that actually considered news or does that fall into the op/ed category?? But that another story for another day.)
It’s interesting, because what I heard him say was “don’t be afraid of ‘it’ and don’t let it dominate your life.” That’s not the same as saying “it’s not a risk” or “it’s not real”. Rather, it’s saying don’t let fear be in charge.
“Don’t be afraid” is NOT the same as
Don’t take action
Don’t care
Don’t be informed
Don’t be wise
In fact, it’s all of those things and more. It’s feeling an emotion, like the one of being scared, but choosing appropriate action instead.
Bravery is an important and powerful part of our human story. It’s an important strength and characteristic that needs to be grown and exercised and strengthened. We don’t need less of it, we need more. Which means we need to lose the fear, every chance we get. On repeat.
Tell me, without bravery, how will we lead our children? How will we care for others? How will we lead even ourselves, if we cannot be brave? If we cannot even be told to not be afraid without taking offense, or becomes entangled in anger at the mere suggestion.
Do we remember the words of Winston Churchill, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” They were during a dark time in history when we were sending our young man across the ocean to storm the beaches and parachute behind enemy lines. To fight a very real evil and a horrible enemy that was killing people by the millions? It’s not that there wasn’t anything to fear. There was plenty. Yet we were told not to fear, which happens to be some of the sagest advice ever.
We didn’t collectively balk and defend our right to fear, pointing out all of the reasons why we should or could or must fear. We buckled down and we did what was necessary. To see our country through to the other side. We didn’t demand empathy for the widows or the mothers. Perhaps because we realized that those things are not mutually exclusive. We can have empathy and STILL do what needs to be done, to get through tough times. We can have problems and difficulties and STILL have the fortitude to get through them. We can care so deeply and understand our inadequacies and weaknesses and STILL yet rise to the challenge.
Once I was in a plane that we all thought was likely going to crash. I watched someone tell another passenger not to worry about it, “Don’t be afraid.” Was that suggestion reckless, ruthless and cruel? I honestly questioned at the time. Meanwhile, my hands were clammy with fear, my heart was beating like a drum, and I literally thought I would never see my family again. Graciously we landed and my worst fears were not realized. I didn’t regret those emotions I had—they were so real. Though I actively tried keep them at bay, they were quite vivid. But I didn’t think afterwards that I should have feared more. What exactly would greater panic have accomplished??
Did I take action when I was in what felt like a burning plane? You better believe I did! I prayed and did what I could to prepare to meet my maker, quite honestly. Did my actual fear save me or guide me to a safe landing? No. Because fear doesn’t save you from anything. Taking appropriate actions, even with the fear, and sometimes with measured risks, however, does. Which translates to bravery.
Did I think another person’s words saying not to worry were unkind? No way. They were gracious. Because there was little good that would have been accomplished by causing that person to worry more about something over which they had literally no control.
I know that many feel that we are in a burning plane, going down, politically and maybe even as a nation. Yet, whether that us the case or not there are still many choices we DO have. There are many ways we can be safe and wise, even in the middle of the pandemic. So take them. Even if, God forbid, you were to get sick, you don’t also need to be sick in your soul and your mind, riddled with fear. You still can find your bravery.
Don’t we need more courage, boldness and bravery? Don’t we want to lead our families well, teach our kids well, forge new paths of goodness for our country, for our neighbors, our streets and our towns?
Courage is doing something in spite of fear. Courage and fear often coexist and wrestle with one another for the chance to call the shots. Which one will you let win? Of course we all have fears. Don’t let fear dominate you.
Submitting to fears instead of living life with intention and joy and courage is an incredible loss. For all of us, but most of all for you.
So instead of taking offense if someone tells us not to be afraid, maybe we should listen. Instead of clinging more tightly to our right to be afraid, or even to the fears themselves, let us cling to hope. Because Hope IS audacious, and it is needed, perhaps now more than ever. In fact, another president wrote those very words. And we weren’t offended then. Because we never should be offended when we’re reminded of our potential for bravery, our hope for better days. Those are the very things we cling to in life, the ideas that help them come.
And even you’re facing something real and you wonder if it’s the devil himself whispering to you not to be afraid- tell him to go to hell and then take appropriate, brave action, though maybe for very different reasons. The truth is that you don’t have to be afraid. You can choose brave.
(For the record, fear thrives in darkness and darkness hates the light. However, light shines into darkness, changes it, and tells you not to be afraid. Tuck that tidbit in your hat; it makes an excellent measuring stick, should you ever need it.)
So don’t be so afraid of anything but being afraid. ❤️
Have you ever been disappointed or frustrated with where you are because it doesn’t feel as impressive as where you once were? Whether that’s a fitness level, a relationship, a project at work that’s completed, or just a general stage of life, there’s not much worse than feeling that you have had better days than the one that you’re in. I think we’ve probably all been there, one way or another. So maybe the real question isn’t then have you ever felt this way. But rather, what can you do when you do when you find that comparing your yesterday to your today has you coming up short.
Over the weekend, I headed out for a hot, probably sluggish run, when I ran into a neighbor. We got talking and naturally, running came up.
“I have to start leaving my GPS watch at home. It bothers me, you know. My pace isn’t what it used to be, and it’s frustrating,” my neighbor confided.
“I do know,” I told him. I know exactly what you mean. I have been in that exact place of discontent.
Having competed in multiple marathons and two Ironman triathlons, I have known what it means to be in great shape and have high levels of fitness. Having also completed and recovered from two pregnancies, I have known great challenges and the humility that comes with recovery and rebuilding. At times, often far removed from the post partum experience, I have been dissatisfied and disappointed with my the current fitness state. It has always been because I have been noticeably comparing my current situation and results with ones from the past. Ones that appeared to be much better.
Last year I was in that place. My naturally positive, energetic and happy self was having trouble getting out of bed each morning, though the rest of me was rising and carrying on as usual. I went through the practices that bring me joy, adjusting and defining, trying to fix things. I was running and writing, actively pursuing goals, counting my blessings, taking snatches of extra sleep in the morning to try to recharge. I was trying to be intentional with my kids and my husband, choosing kindness and connection. I made small important adjustments and improved, but still, something was not quite right.
Thanks to an amazing podcast by one of my favorites, Ed Mylett, I figured it out. “Happiness cannot exist where there is comparison.” Bingo. I knew in that moment, that this was the unsolved part of my missing happiness equation. What I had been doing that truly knocked my mental game down severeal notches is that I had been caught in a slew of comparisons and I’ve been coming up short.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I was caught up comparing myself over and over again to…myself. This might possibly be the worst kind of comparison of all.
Comparison to the people that live down the street, or that you see on social media, is a dangerous thief. That one I know to avoid as much as possible. When those thoughts arise, I’ve learned that it’s much better to cease and desist as soon as possible. Nothing good comes from it, and none of our lives are free from trouble and challenges. I choose to love my life as best I can.
But what I was doing this time was comparing myself to myself a few years and maybe a couple of kids ago. Myself today against myself at the top of a very different mountain than the one found myself climbing now today.
And that is the whole thing. Each season of life, and each day sometimes, is a mountain and an opportunity that is valuable, important, unto itself. Each one builds upon the other, and they are not meant to be compared to another in order to be valuable.
See, this adversary, this type of comparison is more insidious, more covert. It, too, is a thief and a liar, though it may cloak itself in sentimentalism or self-improvement. It will steal your confidence as well as your joy. It’s comparing myself to myself, Courtney from about 6 years ago, and I had been coming up short. (If I had chosen a Courtney from other times, I may have been winning, but see, this is what makes it so tricky. This type of self comparison’s entire attempt is to make you think of things that you cannot change or control, to try to discredit the importance of what IS, and thereby steal your chance to fully embrace it, and do so with joy.
Joy is a powerful thing. Joy IS opportunity, joy sees opportunity, joy creates opportunity. All joy comes with the express ability to be present with and participating in the miracles that are all around you.
There’s not much worse than being disappointed and dissatisfied with yourself. That’s especially true when you can point to a time where you felt better, stronger, or more capable than you do right now. Your goals are not just an enticing pie-in-the-sky idea of what you could be. There is a concrete and tangible person that you know well, feel, and can almost touch. Except you actually can’t because that person is you, and he or she feels buried in yesterday.
People like to say sometimes be better than you were yesterday. If you’re just starting, or peaking, that might be a great motivator. But that doesn’t always work out. When we compare ourselves to what we did before or accomplished in the past, and you’ve had great successes, it doesn’t always work out that trying to be better than yesterday should be your goal. Because life doesn’t always work like that. Life is not linear. Only time is. Growth doesn’t happen in a bubble, and and all of our measuring sticks are interconnected, yet independent in measuring value.
At some point, athletic careers plateau, fast times and championships are behind you, and you wonder what that means for your success today.
Now, here’s the thing-
I firmly believe that success looks different for each person at different stages of their life, and honestly, even each day. There are so many variables. Success six years ago was working out for 5 or 6 hours each weekend, consuming incredible calories, covering ridiculous miles swimming, biking, and running, and falling into be at night exhausted and exhilarated. I loved each of those days, though vastly different. But if I start comparing and measuring them against one another, I may actually be stealing the joy from today and creating my own heartbreak. No matter how much you love or don’t love your current life, if you stop seeing the current opportunities for the blessing that they are, you’ll stop using them well, and subsequently miss out on today’s possible greatness.
See the man with the stiff leg, the tired mom, the mom with grown children, and the new graduate who had to say to goodbye to a school that she loved and now stares ahead at yet- to-be-filled future. They all have something in common. They can compare their “now” with their yesterday or their last week or their 20 years ago. They’ll find blessings and pain, both.
But whatever is found, if they dwell there, there will be no winning today.
When you play the comparison game, sometimes you’ll win and sometimes you’ll loose. It’s a gamble. But the cost, the currency is always this: you’re trading in some of today and its joys, just to play this often-loosing game. Having once had or been something “better”-as you see it at least- can be harder to handle. Because it’s not just theory .
The thief of comparison will bring your former wins and stack them against your current situation just to stifle you. In showing you how you’re failing to tell you that they aren’t measuring up. But this type of measurement is all wrong. Because see, who you were then and what you accomplished then made you who you are today and allowed you to grow into the strengths and talent that today requires.
So why trade in today’s joys? Why compare at all? Why use last year or last month’s measuring stick to gauge success now, with different circumstances? (In fact, the measuring stick you held yesterday might not have been all that accurate, anyway.) With each days’ sunrise there also arises new variables, goals, and opportunities. In fact, even a new chance to be a better you. You just have to make sure you’re measuring things that matter today.
Maybe it’s time to set down yesterday’s measuring sticks. Good self reflection will make you feel empowererd about what you can do, not make you feel defeated
“You should just run for the joy of it,” was my response to my neighbor, as the conversation continued.
“You know, I did that once and it was awesome. I was taking pictures, I was so happy! It was great.” He already had been on the right track. He knew the watch had been frustrating him. He just had to say it out loud. And give himself permission to set it down.
So if you are struggling. If your positive, happy self is still there, but a bit buried underneath disappointment, and having trouble breaking through. If it’s heavier to walk around and today has gotten you down, maybe it’s not actually today that has gotten you down. Maybe by comparing your current self with your past one, you think that you’re coming up short and feeling a whole lot of less-than.
The previous wins don’t show today as a failure. They enable you to succeed at what is ahead of you today. If you allow yourself, that is.
Today, who are they? Today what does success look like? Not last week’s or yesterday’s or a decade ago. TOday, in this skin, what does it mean to be successful? Measure yourself only in this way. Use the past or the future as fuel to help you get in positive directions, but do not use it to measure yourself, because time changes things, changes your success equation. Accept it, let your past measuring sticks go, And go boldly forward into today. With JOY and not comparison.
Here’s the funny thing. I have been writing this post over a series of many months, and even over a year in fact. My perspective continues to shift and the lessons deepen and grow. Looking at what I wrote yesterday and the day before that and the months before that, I find new things, and greater clarity.
I am living again, and discovering, how our choices, our decisions and our thoughts focused in any direction are so powerful They guide our energy and create future paths.
Take what you learn, and keep going. Don’t discredit who you were yesterday or the importance of what has brought you here. But never allow it to hold you back. Your Best days are yet to come. Especially if you believe it.
Lay down the things that would make you think otherwise.
Stop measuring what WAS.
Start counting what IS and make today something beautiful.
One last parting note. I would be remiss I’m not saying this. I trust One, who IS making all things beautiful. 💗👏🏻
“Arise, shine for your light has come and the glory of the Lord shines upon you!”
Our most creative, abundant God who loves us immeasurably said “I came that you might have life and life more abundantly.” I feel in my heart it’s a time, a call for a new awakening . A new level. We’ve been dwelling in the shadows of burial and death for too long. I think it might be time to shed our grave clothes and arise.
I learned more about a vision of abundance and how it could be displayed on earth after entering the business world than I did in the church. It’s quite possible the problem was with my own interpretation. Maybe it was how it was taught, heavy on humility and suffering. Those are not wrong concepts, I should point out. I mean, Sacrifice and suffering can definitely be a part of life, on some or maybe even many levels.
But maybe we forgot to circle back around to the abundant part. And what it might mean to fully live out your purpose. To be blessed, to be a blessing to other. There might be more talk about the Abundance and provision and beauty that is available to us. After all, Jesus did say, “Life More Abundantly!!“
In church, I learned a lot of incredible things about the love of God and His character. But I learned more theory about it than what it might actually look like on earth for every day people. What would it look like to live here and now without limits. It was when I began to work in business and personal development that I learned the difference between a lack mindset and an abundance mindset. As in, there are no limitations on your life except the ones that you put there.
We limit our thoughts of greatness -and wealth and making a difference and abundance- because we doubt or fear or just plain don’t realize that it is available to us.
Don’t get me wrong. There is beauty in brokenness. There’s a work of the cross in our lives. There’s a dying to ourselves and taking up our cross and following him. But Jesus also said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
If you think abundance is only mean for the business world but not for anyone else, then you are mistaken. Why all of the focus on the struggle or the sin or darkness? This kind of focus often keeps us trapped, under what we perceive as the cross. As opposed to rising above it all, even the challenges of the world, the way God intended.
I ask this question: Did Jesus not die already? Did he not take our sin and suffering and pain? Why can’t we then live like it yet? Because we have held on to it as if it is our cross to bear.
The working out of our salvation. But maybe that’s not what Paul was really talking about.
Maybe God wants us to work out our salvation from the place beyond the cross. Beyond the grave. The place where Jesus actually left off. With the Holy Spirit having defeated death and sin and darkness already. Having ascended to heaven, His work finished, completed.
Not that we won’t have trouble. We will. We do. But why do we cling to trouble like it’s our job when that was Jesus’ job all along. One that He completed.
We are no longer supposed to be slaves to anything, let alone fear. We are children of God. “He whom the son sets free is free indeed.” If the power of the One who raised Jesus from the dead lives in me, I no longer live but Christ lives in me.
What maybe we’ve been misinterpreting this, too. We’ve taken it as self-flagellation. Die to self. Die to flesh. Be safe. Be submissive. Be careful. Be good. Don’t be big. Big is selfish.
Maybe it’s not. Maybe “I no longer live” means my worry, my doubt, my fears.
But CHRIST lives in me.
Maybe it’s time for the resurrection power of Jesus. Not I who lives, small and shy and afraid. But Christ who lives in me. Boldly, shining like stars in the heavens, loving and gracious, for the whole earth to see.
We’ve been playing small, church. In our backyards, debating with the flashlights, hidden inside our cloaks of righteousness, limitations, lacks, and fears of getting it wrong. Maybe it wasn’t about taking up a cloak to cover ourselves and live in humility. Or maybe it was before. But maybe it’s not time for that anymore.
Maybe now is time for a coat check. To leave behind all of the things that have held us back. Maybe it’s time to let go of what has limited us, and realize, not only do we have the permission to shine, but also now, the mandate.
Maybe now is the express, inspired time TO play BIG.
Because I no longer live, But Christ lives in me.
Instead of debating the inches and measures of rightness and righteousness maybe we need to allow ourselves to push our feet off the ground and really fly!
What is bigger and bolder than Love from heaven come to earth, shattering the spiritual realm, upturning religious piety and status quo and rule following that wants to ensure our own security. Love that comes in order to bring true freedom and peace.
Among those promises was your destiny.
I don’t know who shines brighter than the sun?? Imagine imagine if every one of us stopped being polite and worrying and holding back and fear of getting it wrong Or better yet, stopped talking with one another and debating about what it means to get it right.
Imagine if we shed our self limitation and unshackled, allowed ourselves to shine the way God wanted us to all along
Boldly. Brightly. Fully.
What could ever stop that kind of love, what could dim down this light? Only ourselves with our fears or our doubts. “The darkness will be as light to you, your brightness like the noon day sun.”
What if we stopped talking about how dark it was getting and we set aside those sins that so easily beset us (self-righteousness, envy, doubt, fear) and we allowed the light of Christ really shine through us? What would that look like? How would the world shine then?
“Arise shine for your light has come.”
Those days of forgetting and waiting are passing. Have past.
MY LOVE WILL GIVE YOU STRENGTH. HIS POWER IS MADE PERFECT IN WEAKNESS.
NOW love. Jesus loved by the well, in the river, in the shade of a tree, in the byways, on the hills, in the boats and houses and walkways, afternoon tables and gatherings. He forwent tradition and inviting all to his banquet. Invitations to all. Welcome all, you are loved. Love that is limitless. And because it is, so are you.
Sing and fill this earth with the truth of His love! Do not be shy. Sing and speak of the truth that IS LOVE. Love that breaks chains, overturns tables, disrupts the status quo. Do not be silent or sit in fear.
“Arise shine for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn.“
It’s time to let the Love that is Jesus shine brighter, friends. Feel that light, know that light, Be that light, shine that light. The world needs it now more than ever in our lifetime.
Yesterday a friend put out a call out on Facebook. Someone that she knew was in immediate need. A mom of three suffered a house fire and subsequently lost her boys’ clothes and all of her own. My friend asked if anyone could help. My mind immediately went to the overstuffed closet that I have, filled with clothes that are the same size she’s looking for. The closet I’ve been wanting to get to, but have been putting off because of other priorities, like summer, other projects, and family time.
Suddenly though, this project moved from “sometime” or “when I get around to it” to RIGHT NOW. A ‘someday-project’ suddenly had a sense of urgency about it. There was an actual person that wouldn’t just like or benefit from what I possibly had to share. There was someone who NEEDED it. Now, and possibly even yesterday.
In the midst of making a coffee cake, taking care of the kids and cleaning the kitchen, I found 20 minutes out of nowhere logically available, I grabbed a garbage bag, and I headed straight to my room to start bagging. I opened the overstuffed dresser and began making decisions faster than ever before. I wasn’t worried about getting it perfectly done, about making a mistake, or someday maybe missing the shirt that I gave away. Items I had hemmed and hawed over previously became crystal clear yes or no, and for the few that caused a moment more to think, I asked myself would I be happier to wear it or might someone else? I filled one bag faster than ever before and I probably donated about a third of what was there. Easily, effortless, and JOYFULLY!
What was the difference? Someone NEEDED IT. An actual person across town was in sudden and desperate need. And though I still didn’t know a face or a name, it was a real person. That brought a sense of urgency and life to a project that previously was theoretically good or driven by only a vague sense of obligation to an ideal of “a good idea”.
I thought of all of the other projects and ideas, prayers and hopes that are in my heart and that maybe are in yours too. What if we ceased to look at them as nice and admirable things that are on our to-do list. Things that often get relegated to leftover minutes or saved for rainy days that are magically matched by your enthusiasm.
What if you saw every project and idea and dream that is one your heart as URGENT. What if, even without a name or a face yet, you knew that a PERSON was out there, waiting for THE EXACT things that you have in your heart. Waiting for you to speak up, to LOVE, to create, to pray.
What if.
What if you gave freely, right now? https://unsplash.com/@lmtrochezz
What if we filled this earth, your town, your life, your neighborhood, your heart with all of the goodness that you wish to see, and that you seek to find? What if you dig into the closet of everything you have right now and you shared from what you have judged as maybe not good enough or important enough to share, and you realized the bounty that you have to offer. And you gave it freely and without judgement and with LOVE. Imagine what life might look like if we gave more freely.
As if someone’s life or way of life actually depended on it.
Chances are, right now, it does.
Go into your closets, the projects that wait, the places in your heart where Love beats. Take inventory. Don’t be shy or stingy. Give, freely. Make, create, and Love. The world needs your light.
Hey Rachel. I’m not really Pam. It’s me, your pal, Courtney. Well, to be fair you don’t really know me, and that’s okay. Though I *did* think we shared a quick moment at Rise Business. (You’re a fire breathing dragon on stage, by the way, and that weekend provided massive momentum and clarity for me. So thanks for that.) I had pretty good floor seats, and I swear we made eye contact while you were throwing out sign language “I love you”s. Huh. That’s ironic, because now that I think about it, that’s really the topic that brings me here. Love.
Rachel, fire breathing dragon onstage
Listen, I know you had a really big week and everything. Last Sunday, while my family was excitedly awaiting our first visit from the tooth fairy, my phone was tucked away out of reach, and you announced the end of your marriage. It didn’t catch the news live, but I’m fairly certain it dropped somewhat like a bomb or an earthquake. It felt for many like the Fairy Godmother of personal development had taken a ‘fall’ from the pedestal they had made. The shockwaves reverberated. I felt them too.
I did a lot of soul searching this past week, most of it completely unrelated to you, by the way. But I found some really interesting things about how I have lived in fear instead of love. One of those deep ways was in sisterhood. (Personal development is like that though, isn’t it? No matter how many times you clean out your closet or fridge, you can find something that’s old, outdated and tragically disgusting.)
Though I am NOT Pam, I have *ahem* found a few Pam-like tendencies. I really tried to be loving but I found a few things getting in the way. As we’re learning, even a little shade is still shade, even a little hate is still hate. And it’s time for more love. So here goes.
First of all, I want to say I’m sorry. I know you told us to stop apologizing and everything, but sometimes an apology is necessary. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through, sorry that it’s probably gutting you, and I’m sorry that it may have been for a while. And I’m so sorry that my initial response was uneasy and a little scared, although extremely polite.
A few weeks ago I some massive shifts in how I see racism and mercy. I was compelled to stop piling up stones, and stop taking sides. The more I looked, the more I saw Jesus over in the dirt, not gathering stones, and I decided thats where I wanted to be too. It’s a good thing too, because, honestly, your announcement had me teetering, even though I decidedly was trying not to take sides.
That even slight discomfort that I felt deserved looking into. (The “problem” isn’t ever really the problem. The problem is just pointing a giant flashing arrow to something that’s off in our own hearts.)
Humans feel this incredible need to justify our own beliefs and behaviors through processing the actions of others. We identify or disassociate. We take sides. We project our judgments onto others because of fear and uncertainty and thoughts of scarcity, for ourselves and our own outcomes and success.
Seeing you in a place of vulnerability or change or ‘failure’ scares people. We measure ourselves against what you are experiencing. We learned from you, so it can feel like your ‘failure’ might mean that we are more likely to. And that if they can judge you, we can differentiate and separate ourselves from that possibility.
We see this and wonder “what does it mean for me?” I’ll tell you what it means. It means…Nothing. It means absolutely nothing for us and our success unless we want it to. (More on that later.)
Your Pal, Courtney here
About that pedestal, though. Yes, you put yourself on stages or soapboxes. You did things with passion and drive, out of a deep desire to help people. The pedestal piece? Yeah, if that happened, we did that all for ourselves. Even if we didn’t realize it.
We’re not supposed to be putting each other up on pedestals. I know responsibility and leadership and authenticity, blah blah blah. These are all things people desire for our own security and sense of justice. It doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Putting you up there made a fall inevitable, really. If it wasn’t this one, it could have been a hundred others. When we’re constantly measuring ourselves and each other, we’ll never measure up.
Also, this is less seen at first, but massively important: having you up there meant we could call the spot taken, and absolve ourselves from having to step fully and bravely into who we were meant to be. If you are up there, reigning, as it seemed, we might more safely stay in the shadows. Your success can cause us to think that it concerns us in any way, good, bad or allowing our indifference.
To be honest, it always kind of made me uncomfortable the way people fanned over you. When I looked at you, I saw a really cool friend with a microphone. You felt similar to me in some ways, different in others, and obviously way further ahead in others. You had done some things I might never do.
Seeing you have a very real moment truly exposed my fear of having one someday, too. It uncovered a place where I’ve been kind of hiding out, afraid of being seen, of making mistakes, of putting myself “out there.”
But, the anthem that has been building in my soul is this…There isn’t any fear in love.
This is about first self love and secondly, sisterhood. I heard myself say a few times time, without any intended malice, “I don’t LOVE Rachel.” Though I thought it was discerning and wise, as in I liked you, I cherry picked what I consumed, and I didn’t fawn over you the way some people did, maybe it was something deeper. I didn’t LOVE you, the way we’re supposed to LOVE one another. Because I wasn’t giving myself full permission to be me, I held you at an arms length. In not trusting myself to be me or you to be you, I projected my own fears and insecurities onto you, even slightly. I didn’t allow any real room for either of our mistakes, actual or feared.
That’s not what sisterhood was meant for. I should know, I just had some major healing in one of my sister relationships after 23 years this week. Twenty three years!! We were high school friends and our parents got married at the beginning of our senior year after a quick courtship. A friend said we were like an after school special. Now one of us just needed an eating disorder. Well we didn’t have that, but we had buckets and buckets of polite resentment, underlying uncertainties, and unwanted competition. So there’s all of that.
We just miraculously reconciled (in no small part on my end because of the deep work I was doing last week, with extra special thanks to Gina DeVee). In that moment of finally opening up, I realized that I had rejected her emotionally all of those years ago when our parents got married, because of her big emotions and because she “didn’t handle it as well” as I did. I thought I was protecting myself from injury or trouble. I truly didn’t realize I was creating it. For both of us.
I realized that my need to stay safe, follow the rules, check the boxes, and stay in line, like a nice, good girl, led me play both small and safe, and to reject others emotionally when they didn’t fit the little boxes. I’m a kind and loving person; I thought I was being smart and safe and doing the best job that I could. I couldn’t see all of the ways my “niceness” was motivated by fear. I didn’t even usually realize it. But here I was, doing it again to you. And that is not right.
We are not supposed to throw one another to the wolves because we’re scared that we will become like them or wind up in the same position. We are are not supposed to reject one another in times of need because we’re afraid of their wounds or scars. Maybe that’s what wolves do. But maybe we aren’t supposed to be wolves
We are a pack of, well…gosh darn lionesses. They can live in a peace together without shame or fear or judging (This thought just comes to me as I write. I go research a little about lionesses in a pride – “no rank or hierachy among females”. WOW and YES!!)
We have been pitted against one another as women for far too long. Rejecting each other, judging, taking sides, FEARING. But that’s not what we were meant to do. We’ve been played a massive lie that we all can’t be at the top. But, oh, maybe we can. Maybe that’s just a lie that darkness has sold us, that keeps us all stuck and infighting and scared.
Maybe we CAN allow one another space to heal as well as space to fly. Maybe we don’t need to be so afraid of one another anymore.
So Rach, let me say humbly, I’m sorry. I wasn’t made to be smart and safe and try my best —check, check, check. I was made to be extraordinary. And so were you. I’m deciding not to be afraid of that anymore.
Let me be one who gives you the space for whatever it is you need. Your success or failure has nothing to do with me. But my rejection or acceptance of you does. It has everything to do with me.
So, just like you first shouted encouragement in my ear, two years ago, a week after I made a big decision, with your two minute video telling me that I was “made for more”. Maybe now if you read this, a week after a dramatic move of your own, I can be that for you. (I never doubted I could add to your life if I had a chance. I just needed a lot more love.) Maybe now I can whisper in your ear encouragement and acceptance. Even if I don’t understand your decision.
Why ‘even if‘? Because Love loves without condition. Without condition, thought or fear for itself. Because your success or failure have nothing to do with mine. Because you need and deserve support from your sisterhood, no matter what we feel. I want to love you the way we’re supposed to truly love our sisters. You don’t have to be a lone wolf, leading the pack, fearing failure or being rejected for your failings.
My stance might be tested, I’m not infallible. But I’m tired of loving less because I’m afraid of getting the answers wrong, like this is some kind of test. That’s not the Love of a Savior that I know, that I am learning all over again So let’s learn together. How to have a Pride without pride, competition, or fear of rejection. Let’s love like Jesus loved. Wildly, with abandon, and not withholding because of any of our shortcomings. That’s the kind of world Jesus made possible when he came here. And that’s the kind of LOVE that the world needs now.
We love you, Rach. Even though you were a hero for many, you were never meant to be a savior. God doesn’t ask us to be perfect and we shouldn’t ask each other to, either.
. The one thing I would say Rach, is that you don’t have to just hustle. You can rest too. So rest up, heal up I’m ready now, and will be here, God/willing, with open arms and hearts to embrace you, however you show up. And we’ll meet you on the other side. Like a pride of lions, we’ll be here for you ❤️
This week something in me changed as I witnessed the death of George Floyd. Until I watched him die, horribly, casually, and uselessly in broad day light, I somehow had on a blinder, and not one that I ever intended to be there. But it was and now, both slowly and suddenly, it’s not. My eyes are still trying to adjust to what I see in the blinding light. And also, it is through tears that I say for the first time, Black Lives Matter.
It’s not the first time because I didn’t believe it. I knew black lives mattered. From an outside glance I might look a lot like a privileged white woman. But in my heart I’m still that awkward 13-year-old who grew up alongside black friends, Double-Dutching on the playground, learning about their beautiful, different hair as I sat next to them in the classroom, and laughing so hard that I had to tie a sweater around the waist of my navy blue uniform skirt. I grew up with them, I dated them, I stood up for their weddings, I shared apartments, and life and friendship.
I never once doubted that one of these beautiful black lives mattered. I never thought someone whose skin color was different than mine was of any less value or beauty. But I thought believing it meant I didn’t have to say it. “Of course black lives matter! All lives matter! We’re all equal!” Which is absolutely true.
However.
It need to be said because quite sadly not everyone seems to feel this way. And I didn’t want to accept that.
Racism is a problem that I didn’t want to exist.
Because it doesn’t exist in my heart. Because I didn’t hate. Because I had black friends and black classmates and black roommates. Because I grew up struggling more than privileged, learned love over hatred, and kept learning in repeat. Because I know more people that love, than hate.
Because, honestly, I didn’t want it to be true. And if I focused on all of the love that there was, maybe it would lessen.
https://unsplash.com/@siora18
Of course, I knew there were some jackasses in the world. Hateful, awful people, people whom I wanted to think were few and far between. Whom I wanted to, frankly, unsee. Call them hateful bigots, turn off the television, move on. Go love more, perhaps make up in love for what others do in hate. (And that has its place. But so does speaking truth.)
I didn’t think it was a huge problem. (It’s painful now to write those words.) But a problem is still a problem. As the saying goes, what you don’t face only gets bigger. Like termites in your house, even if you can’t see them behind the walls, each day that you don’t confront them, the problem worsens. Underlying problems are still problems, and when you don’t confront them, or can’t call them out, call for help, they will not get better.
This problem is much bigger than just having a termite problem, or any type of pest bothering your home. This is like a gaping wound on a our nation’s body, on our collective soul. One that has deepened and festered over time. And it needs addressing and it needs to be tended to, or we risk a deathly infection. For many, we’ve reached that point already.
I just couldn’t fathom just how much hate was growing and coexisting in ignorance. And also, in silence. Mine included.
So now, with the blinders off, what do I see?
I see a lot of pain and hurting. I see beautiful people with broken hearts.
Brothers and sisters, children of God. I’m so sorry. So sorry that the system has failed you. I’m so sorry that life has failed you. I’m so sorry where we as fellow humans had failed you. For the times where hate has, by all accounts, seemed to have won.
We won’t let it. Not anymore.
We love you. We love you. I love you. We as a human race, open our arms to you. We embrace you, we acknowledge the sins, even the ones of omission, committed in the silence of what we thought was “understood”. Words are not enough. But they can be a start. To clarity. To healing. To love.
So I want to be really clear. Black Lives Matter.
I still believe that more love and good exists in our world than hate. But, I until Love gets louder, until love shows up more boldly, speaks up more clearly, hate will get the headlines and seem to win on the front lines. Come out from your hiding place, Love!
Photo by:Rafael De Nadai
Sometimes the worst hatred of all can be seen as indifference. But there is no indifference in love. That’s part of what bothers me so much. Outside in the middle of the day, a man died under the knee of a man with an impassive face. I don’t know what was going through his mind, but I know that a man died and he didn’t seem to care. George Floyd’s blood has been like the blood of a martyr sprinkled on our nations soil, hopefully softening the hearts of this country.
I pray that it waters the seeds of forgiveness and unconditional love and not further hatred. Because that would be a double injustice. Our nation needs healing. The only thing I want to see us all hate, is hate.
If I believe it’s true that a man shouldn’t be judged by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character then I better keep looking inside my own heart and keeping working on that character. For my sake and the sake of our nation should be doing the same.
Just because I don’t hate doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. That’s why we’re here, why are still having this conversation. Because clearly it’s a conversation that needs to be had by ALL of us. If, in wanting to be a good citizen, I ignore that there is indeed racism, no matter how “small” or how outnumbered, I am also allowing it. No matter how big or how small it may seem, I must say ENOUGH.
There are systematic problems, political problems, and we will have discussions and disagreements about how to fix these problems. But can we all pause and agree and say that YES, black lives matter. We look hatred it in the eye and call it what it is, as a nation of people.
We are all made in the image of God. You matter. We matter. It matters that we choose to love one another, full stop. BLACK LIVES MATTER.
Say it, and say it again. One more time, for the people in the back. And on repeat. Until the hate stops ❤️❤️❤️
Hey, I'm Courtney, a pretty ordinary girl who thinks we've all been called to an extraordinary life and love story with God. I'm passionate about family, faith, motherhood, and the adventure of every day. I write lots of words, mostly because I can’t help it- and I think it's one of the things I was born to do. I hope that something I write encourages you, to walk in your own unique purpose and calling, set free to love and give it away, starting wherever you are today. That's what Courting the Extraordinary is all about. Finding the good all around you, and giving it away. Finding, too, the God of all goodness who wants to walk with you.
I love quiet mornings, coffee, prayer and “work” before sunrise. Quality time with my family is my jam. I can be found grinning ear to ear when we're out on an adventure. Whether that's in our own backyard or exploring someplace new all-together, I’ll for sure note something beautiful about nature aloud-and maybe repeatedly, ha!. Life is a beautiful, precious gift, and an adventurous path to travel! We might as well learn how to love.
Hey, I'm Courtney, a pretty ordinary girl who thinks we've all been called to an extraordinary life and love story with God. I'm passionate about family, faith, motherhood, and the adventure of every day. I write lots of words, mostly because I can’t help it- and I think it's one of the things I was born to do. I hope that something I write encourages you, to walk in your own unique purpose and calling, set free to love and give it away, starting wherever you are today. That's what Courting the Extraordinary is all about. Finding the good all around you, and giving it away. Finding, too, the God of all goodness who wants to walk with you.
I love quiet mornings, coffee, prayer and “work” before sunrise. Quality time with my family is my jam. I can be found grinning ear to ear when we're out on an adventure. Whether that's in our own backyard or exploring someplace new all-together, I’ll for sure note something beautiful about nature aloud-and maybe repeatedly, ha!. Life is a beautiful, precious gift, and an adventurous path to travel! We might as well learn how to love. 