Hey Rachel. I’m not really Pam. It’s me, your pal, Courtney. Well, to be fair you don’t really know me, and that’s okay. Though I *did* think we shared a quick moment at Rise Business. (You’re a fire breathing dragon on stage, by the way, and that weekend provided massive momentum and clarity for me. So thanks for that.) I had pretty good floor seats, and I swear we made eye contact while you were throwing out sign language “I love you”s. Huh. That’s ironic, because now that I think about it, that’s really the topic that brings me here. Love.
Rachel, fire breathing dragon onstage
Listen, I know you had a really big week and everything. Last Sunday, while my family was excitedly awaiting our first visit from the tooth fairy, my phone was tucked away out of reach, and you announced the end of your marriage. It didn’t catch the news live, but I’m fairly certain it dropped somewhat like a bomb or an earthquake. It felt for many like the Fairy Godmother of personal development had taken a ‘fall’ from the pedestal they had made. The shockwaves reverberated. I felt them too.
I did a lot of soul searching this past week, most of it completely unrelated to you, by the way. But I found some really interesting things about how I have lived in fear instead of love. One of those deep ways was in sisterhood. (Personal development is like that though, isn’t it? No matter how many times you clean out your closet or fridge, you can find something that’s old, outdated and tragically disgusting.)
Though I am NOT Pam, I have *ahem* found a few Pam-like tendencies. I really tried to be loving but I found a few things getting in the way. As we’re learning, even a little shade is still shade, even a little hate is still hate. And it’s time for more love. So here goes.
First of all, I want to say I’m sorry. I know you told us to stop apologizing and everything, but sometimes an apology is necessary. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through, sorry that it’s probably gutting you, and I’m sorry that it may have been for a while. And I’m so sorry that my initial response was uneasy and a little scared, although extremely polite.
A few weeks ago I some massive shifts in how I see racism and mercy. I was compelled to stop piling up stones, and stop taking sides. The more I looked, the more I saw Jesus over in the dirt, not gathering stones, and I decided thats where I wanted to be too. It’s a good thing too, because, honestly, your announcement had me teetering, even though I decidedly was trying not to take sides.
That even slight discomfort that I felt deserved looking into. (The “problem” isn’t ever really the problem. The problem is just pointing a giant flashing arrow to something that’s off in our own hearts.)
Humans feel this incredible need to justify our own beliefs and behaviors through processing the actions of others. We identify or disassociate. We take sides. We project our judgments onto others because of fear and uncertainty and thoughts of scarcity, for ourselves and our own outcomes and success.
Seeing you in a place of vulnerability or change or ‘failure’ scares people. We measure ourselves against what you are experiencing. We learned from you, so it can feel like your ‘failure’ might mean that we are more likely to. And that if they can judge you, we can differentiate and separate ourselves from that possibility.
We see this and wonder “what does it mean for me?” I’ll tell you what it means. It means…Nothing. It means absolutely nothing for us and our success unless we want it to. (More on that later.)
Your Pal, Courtney here
About that pedestal, though. Yes, you put yourself on stages or soapboxes. You did things with passion and drive, out of a deep desire to help people. The pedestal piece? Yeah, if that happened, we did that all for ourselves. Even if we didn’t realize it.
We’re not supposed to be putting each other up on pedestals. I know responsibility and leadership and authenticity, blah blah blah. These are all things people desire for our own security and sense of justice. It doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Putting you up there made a fall inevitable, really. If it wasn’t this one, it could have been a hundred others. When we’re constantly measuring ourselves and each other, we’ll never measure up.
Also, this is less seen at first, but massively important: having you up there meant we could call the spot taken, and absolve ourselves from having to step fully and bravely into who we were meant to be. If you are up there, reigning, as it seemed, we might more safely stay in the shadows. Your success can cause us to think that it concerns us in any way, good, bad or allowing our indifference.
To be honest, it always kind of made me uncomfortable the way people fanned over you. When I looked at you, I saw a really cool friend with a microphone. You felt similar to me in some ways, different in others, and obviously way further ahead in others. You had done some things I might never do.
Seeing you have a very real moment truly exposed my fear of having one someday, too. It uncovered a place where I’ve been kind of hiding out, afraid of being seen, of making mistakes, of putting myself “out there.”
But, the anthem that has been building in my soul is this…There isn’t any fear in love.
This is about first self love and secondly, sisterhood. I heard myself say a few times time, without any intended malice, “I don’t LOVE Rachel.” Though I thought it was discerning and wise, as in I liked you, I cherry picked what I consumed, and I didn’t fawn over you the way some people did, maybe it was something deeper. I didn’t LOVE you, the way we’re supposed to LOVE one another. Because I wasn’t giving myself full permission to be me, I held you at an arms length. In not trusting myself to be me or you to be you, I projected my own fears and insecurities onto you, even slightly. I didn’t allow any real room for either of our mistakes, actual or feared.
That’s not what sisterhood was meant for. I should know, I just had some major healing in one of my sister relationships after 23 years this week. Twenty three years!! We were high school friends and our parents got married at the beginning of our senior year after a quick courtship. A friend said we were like an after school special. Now one of us just needed an eating disorder. Well we didn’t have that, but we had buckets and buckets of polite resentment, underlying uncertainties, and unwanted competition. So there’s all of that.
We just miraculously reconciled (in no small part on my end because of the deep work I was doing last week, with extra special thanks to Gina DeVee). In that moment of finally opening up, I realized that I had rejected her emotionally all of those years ago when our parents got married, because of her big emotions and because she “didn’t handle it as well” as I did. I thought I was protecting myself from injury or trouble. I truly didn’t realize I was creating it. For both of us.
I realized that my need to stay safe, follow the rules, check the boxes, and stay in line, like a nice, good girl, led me play both small and safe, and to reject others emotionally when they didn’t fit the little boxes. I’m a kind and loving person; I thought I was being smart and safe and doing the best job that I could. I couldn’t see all of the ways my “niceness” was motivated by fear. I didn’t even usually realize it. But here I was, doing it again to you. And that is not right.
We are not supposed to throw one another to the wolves because we’re scared that we will become like them or wind up in the same position. We are are not supposed to reject one another in times of need because we’re afraid of their wounds or scars. Maybe that’s what wolves do. But maybe we aren’t supposed to be wolves
We are a pack of, well…gosh darn lionesses. They can live in a peace together without shame or fear or judging (This thought just comes to me as I write. I go research a little about lionesses in a pride – “no rank or hierachy among females”. WOW and YES!!)
We have been pitted against one another as women for far too long. Rejecting each other, judging, taking sides, FEARING. But that’s not what we were meant to do. We’ve been played a massive lie that we all can’t be at the top. But, oh, maybe we can. Maybe that’s just a lie that darkness has sold us, that keeps us all stuck and infighting and scared.
Maybe we CAN allow one another space to heal as well as space to fly. Maybe we don’t need to be so afraid of one another anymore.
So Rach, let me say humbly, I’m sorry. I wasn’t made to be smart and safe and try my best —check, check, check. I was made to be extraordinary. And so were you. I’m deciding not to be afraid of that anymore.
Let me be one who gives you the space for whatever it is you need. Your success or failure has nothing to do with me. But my rejection or acceptance of you does. It has everything to do with me.
So, just like you first shouted encouragement in my ear, two years ago, a week after I made a big decision, with your two minute video telling me that I was “made for more”. Maybe now if you read this, a week after a dramatic move of your own, I can be that for you. (I never doubted I could add to your life if I had a chance. I just needed a lot more love.) Maybe now I can whisper in your ear encouragement and acceptance. Even if I don’t understand your decision.
Why ‘even if‘? Because Love loves without condition. Without condition, thought or fear for itself. Because your success or failure have nothing to do with mine. Because you need and deserve support from your sisterhood, no matter what we feel. I want to love you the way we’re supposed to truly love our sisters. You don’t have to be a lone wolf, leading the pack, fearing failure or being rejected for your failings.
My stance might be tested, I’m not infallible. But I’m tired of loving less because I’m afraid of getting the answers wrong, like this is some kind of test. That’s not the Love of a Savior that I know, that I am learning all over again So let’s learn together. How to have a Pride without pride, competition, or fear of rejection. Let’s love like Jesus loved. Wildly, with abandon, and not withholding because of any of our shortcomings. That’s the kind of world Jesus made possible when he came here. And that’s the kind of LOVE that the world needs now.
We love you, Rach. Even though you were a hero for many, you were never meant to be a savior. God doesn’t ask us to be perfect and we shouldn’t ask each other to, either.
. The one thing I would say Rach, is that you don’t have to just hustle. You can rest too. So rest up, heal up I’m ready now, and will be here, God/willing, with open arms and hearts to embrace you, however you show up. And we’ll meet you on the other side. Like a pride of lions, we’ll be here for you ❤️
This week something in me changed as I witnessed the death of George Floyd. Until I watched him die, horribly, casually, and uselessly in broad day light, I somehow had on a blinder, and not one that I ever intended to be there. But it was and now, both slowly and suddenly, it’s not. My eyes are still trying to adjust to what I see in the blinding light. And also, it is through tears that I say for the first time, Black Lives Matter.
It’s not the first time because I didn’t believe it. I knew black lives mattered. From an outside glance I might look a lot like a privileged white woman. But in my heart I’m still that awkward 13-year-old who grew up alongside black friends, Double-Dutching on the playground, learning about their beautiful, different hair as I sat next to them in the classroom, and laughing so hard that I had to tie a sweater around the waist of my navy blue uniform skirt. I grew up with them, I dated them, I stood up for their weddings, I shared apartments, and life and friendship.
I never once doubted that one of these beautiful black lives mattered. I never thought someone whose skin color was different than mine was of any less value or beauty. But I thought believing it meant I didn’t have to say it. “Of course black lives matter! All lives matter! We’re all equal!” Which is absolutely true.
However.
It need to be said because quite sadly not everyone seems to feel this way. And I didn’t want to accept that.
Racism is a problem that I didn’t want to exist.
Because it doesn’t exist in my heart. Because I didn’t hate. Because I had black friends and black classmates and black roommates. Because I grew up struggling more than privileged, learned love over hatred, and kept learning in repeat. Because I know more people that love, than hate.
Because, honestly, I didn’t want it to be true. And if I focused on all of the love that there was, maybe it would lessen.
https://unsplash.com/@siora18
Of course, I knew there were some jackasses in the world. Hateful, awful people, people whom I wanted to think were few and far between. Whom I wanted to, frankly, unsee. Call them hateful bigots, turn off the television, move on. Go love more, perhaps make up in love for what others do in hate. (And that has its place. But so does speaking truth.)
I didn’t think it was a huge problem. (It’s painful now to write those words.) But a problem is still a problem. As the saying goes, what you don’t face only gets bigger. Like termites in your house, even if you can’t see them behind the walls, each day that you don’t confront them, the problem worsens. Underlying problems are still problems, and when you don’t confront them, or can’t call them out, call for help, they will not get better.
This problem is much bigger than just having a termite problem, or any type of pest bothering your home. This is like a gaping wound on a our nation’s body, on our collective soul. One that has deepened and festered over time. And it needs addressing and it needs to be tended to, or we risk a deathly infection. For many, we’ve reached that point already.
I just couldn’t fathom just how much hate was growing and coexisting in ignorance. And also, in silence. Mine included.
So now, with the blinders off, what do I see?
I see a lot of pain and hurting. I see beautiful people with broken hearts.
Brothers and sisters, children of God. I’m so sorry. So sorry that the system has failed you. I’m so sorry that life has failed you. I’m so sorry where we as fellow humans had failed you. For the times where hate has, by all accounts, seemed to have won.
We won’t let it. Not anymore.
We love you. We love you. I love you. We as a human race, open our arms to you. We embrace you, we acknowledge the sins, even the ones of omission, committed in the silence of what we thought was “understood”. Words are not enough. But they can be a start. To clarity. To healing. To love.
So I want to be really clear. Black Lives Matter.
I still believe that more love and good exists in our world than hate. But, I until Love gets louder, until love shows up more boldly, speaks up more clearly, hate will get the headlines and seem to win on the front lines. Come out from your hiding place, Love!
Photo by:Rafael De Nadai
Sometimes the worst hatred of all can be seen as indifference. But there is no indifference in love. That’s part of what bothers me so much. Outside in the middle of the day, a man died under the knee of a man with an impassive face. I don’t know what was going through his mind, but I know that a man died and he didn’t seem to care. George Floyd’s blood has been like the blood of a martyr sprinkled on our nations soil, hopefully softening the hearts of this country.
I pray that it waters the seeds of forgiveness and unconditional love and not further hatred. Because that would be a double injustice. Our nation needs healing. The only thing I want to see us all hate, is hate.
If I believe it’s true that a man shouldn’t be judged by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character then I better keep looking inside my own heart and keeping working on that character. For my sake and the sake of our nation should be doing the same.
Just because I don’t hate doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. That’s why we’re here, why are still having this conversation. Because clearly it’s a conversation that needs to be had by ALL of us. If, in wanting to be a good citizen, I ignore that there is indeed racism, no matter how “small” or how outnumbered, I am also allowing it. No matter how big or how small it may seem, I must say ENOUGH.
There are systematic problems, political problems, and we will have discussions and disagreements about how to fix these problems. But can we all pause and agree and say that YES, black lives matter. We look hatred it in the eye and call it what it is, as a nation of people.
We are all made in the image of God. You matter. We matter. It matters that we choose to love one another, full stop. BLACK LIVES MATTER.
Say it, and say it again. One more time, for the people in the back. And on repeat. Until the hate stops ❤️❤️❤️
Mother’s Day is here! It’s flowers and elephants everywhere. Elephants, you wonder? Yes, there’s an elephant in the room, and I want to talk about it. There are so many beautiful, amazing women that feel pain, longing or discomfort on Mother’s Day. Because motherhood is a deep, indisputable part of woman’s soul, whether a woman ever has any children or not, I want to talk about that beautiful, important elephant. To honor women everywhere, who are Mothers in many different ways. Happy Mother’s Day, to those nobody calls mom.
There are women who do not bear the official title of mom, yet for so many, a part of her soul feels connected to the heart of motherhood. Like a pulse underneath her skin that cannot be denied, but merely has trouble being defined.
Mom, not mom. Foster mom, surrogate mom, miscarriage mom, waiting mom. Some of us struggle with the definitions. Though you understand and maybe know in theory that your worth cannot be defined by one title alone, without people call to call you a certain name, there’s a vagueness that feels uncomfortable. We struggle to properly realize or define the feelings in our heart.
Though I am a mom now, I felt that for a long time myself. Before anyone ever called me “mom”, I struggled to define my feelings, and often celebrated Mother’s Day sorting through them. For nine years I was married, mothering as part of my vocation, and unsure if I would ever have (or need) children of my own. I was a mothering non-mom. I know there are so many of us. I see you, too. I honor that struggle. With a varying sense of wonder and appreciation for beauty, understanding your own innate value, and acknowledging some level of pain accepting your own story and honoring the gaps. I know deep in your heart and have trouble justifying some of what this day of cards and flowers means for you.
It’s funny that I mentioned the elephant in the room. I merely meant to use it as a saying, the thing unmentioned that should be mentioned. But the more I thought about it, the more the elephant visual speaks. Elephants are faithful, elephants have long memories. Women elephants care for the young that are all around them, even those that are not their own. Elephant aunts are an incredibly important part of elephant society. Elephants are innately mothering and caring for one another. I believe women are too. And it’s not just always about children.
I believe that there are not enough categories to define the ways that a woman brings life to the world. To people, to places, to love. A woman’s heart is made to bear, to hold close, and to bring life to things, in a myriad of ways. Maybe it’s an idea, a creative work, a business. Sometimes it’s a human being, but that is not the only chance in life to mother. There are chances all along the way. Many of us practice as little girls, caring for our stuffed animals and dolls, dogs and siblings. Becoming a mom is not the final culmination of that innate dream. It is merely one of them.
Photo by Sasha Freemind
Am I not a mother, or less of a woman if nobody calls me “mom”?
No, no you are not. You are not, you are not.
Whether or not you want to ever go on to bear children, you have probably have found something or someone in life right now that you love well. It is a part of womanhood that cannot be limited or defined by one expression. There are Caretakers, nannies, helpers, wives, who care with the spirit of a mother, for hours and hours at a time, for their whole lives. Women whose hearts hold as much love as it can contain for another soul. There are gardeners, animal lovers, nature preservers. Your love has made a difference to something. Any act of love becomes multiplied by sharing. In caring for what you have cared for, you have connected with the spirit of creation and of motherhood.
You pour the all-encompassing, life giving love of a mother onto your families, your sisters, your parents. Your gardens, your home, your books, your pets. You give space and attention, the devotion of motherhood, to the things around you, and you make them the most valuable.
It matters. And the whole earth thanks you, for sharing the beauty that is in you, the power to bring life. You are a mother, simply because you are a woman. Women cannot help but create, bring life to something out of love.
Yes, we should throw flowers at mother’s whose sleep is disrupted and thoughts interrupted daily on repeat. But we should not deny the spirit of a mother that is in all of us. It should be celebrated, acknowledged, and honored every day, and Mother’s Day is no exception.
Sometimes the things that she loves have no words to describe, or yet, no voice, to utter thanks. Today, I will try to be that voice.
Happy Mother’s Day to those who are not called “Mom”.
From the places you made more beautiful or safe, an otherwise neglected corner of the world, hear the “thank you” whispered in the breeze.
From the pets that you care for so deeply and love so well, hear the ‘thank you mom’ come from their contented sigh.
From the womb that held, even for a little while, a life, hear it. “Thank you, mom. You gave space for my heart to beat.”
From the children you cared for in a season, who can’t find the way for the words to reach you. Hear this, “thank you. Your love helped save my life.”
When you look at your garden, or what you created in your kitchen or with your hands, I hope you see it smile back, “Thank you for making me beautiful.”
From the business you are building, pouring in sweat and tears. The people it will bless, the legacy it will leave. Hear “thank you for new opportunity.”
May you feel the love you have given return to you, in thanks. A hug, an embrace for your care. A bow, a whisper, in gratitude, for all of the love you have given the life you have brought forth.From heaven itself, from a Father who sees
what one else does, “It’s Me that you please.”
We are no less of a woman because of loss or difference, lack or what seems like a void at first glance. We all are Mothers, in whatever way we are meant to be right now. We, too, honor you.
This Great Reset has indeed lived up to its name, hasn’t it? In unplugging from so much of what our lives had become, a giant reboot is happening inside of many of our hearts and our homes. We’ve had the chance to reevaluate, to grow, find pain points, and to come to realizations along the way. You know what’s interesting? Almost everything I’m learning is actually a re-learning, learning all over again things that I already knew (or thought I did). I’m re-realizing some I had once known and kind of forgotten, and others I needed to practice a little better. Anyone with me?
It’s interesting how Life keeps handing you the same lessons, sometimes. A curriculum on repeat.
It feels like you must be really dumb, or a really slow learner, or pretty thick headed to circle back to these things again. That may not necessarily be the case. Maybe it is (raising my hand!) Either way, each chance to relearn the most important things is actually an opportunity to go deeper, and to embody truth more truthfully and deeply. To clarify. Life get complicated and cluttered. Sometimes you need to clear some space and get back to the core.
https://unsplash.com/@giulia_bertelli
Like a car whose alignment had gone off-kilter from some serious bumps in the road, I had too. I was struggling to steer straight, even more than I realized. This time has been a giant recalibrating to my truest self. There have been no seismic shifts or grand enlightenments. But yet, in reconnecting to my core in a deeper way, maybe there has.
“Life is made for enjoying, for loving, and for sharing. Quality time with my young family is one of my greatest joys, whether we are taking a special trip together or watching the sun set from our backyard.” That’s what I wrote on my first attempt at an “about me” page on my blog. While truer words I’ve hardly spoken and it’s truly how I really feel most of my life, this time has shed a light on a few cracks in the walls, and I’ve seen them loud and clear. Those words have never been put to the test more than right now.
Now, on the one hand, I shouldn’t be surprised, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I just was set to embark on a new journey, becoming a mostly stay-at-home mom. I had found myself too rushed, too short with my kids, too hurried. I realized that my schedule had ceased to work for me, and instead, was causing me too much resistance towards what I value the most- loving well, and connection.
So, here I found myself, in the pandemic like everyone else. Alone, but not alone, all but locked in the house with my kids and husband. And it was great, except for the parts where it wasn’t. The beginning was the scariest, of course. The fear was palpable. But after some time, that feeling started to recede, the tide of fear rolling out in much the same way that I came in, a natural ebb receding to open up a little more space. When my time was free of some of the all-encompassing scariness of it all, it gave way to some more of the natural disturbances. The needs of the kids, the upkeep of the house, the endless meals and clean up. It all moved along into its usual areas of great, boring, difficult and lovely. Normal life in a nutshell.
Each day, each week as it ticked by was another chance to get it more right.
I realized I was having trouble connecting. I was distracted. I was short. I looked at my children when they spoke to me and wondered why i felt impatient instead of present. I was following through on many of the actions, doing what I most value, but I was feeling disconnected from the JOY.
Eventually, I came to realize that my greatest resistance wasn’t actually my schedule. It was who I was becoming, slowly and without realizing it, as I moved throughout my days. Maybe it started because of my schedule and it’s added pressure. But the schedule was merely a catalyst, an outside factor that started to touch on and expose some of my own internal failings.
And by failings I mean flaws in my choices when under pressure. The places where I was falling short, where I would feel an emotion, and fall onto something else in order to get by. All of those tiny crutches, the habits I didn’t really give too much thought to. Leaving the house for an adventure, escape, or a distraction. A glass of wine to relax. A schedule and routine that provided appropriate disruption from my discomfort. A cookie, coffee and wander at the bookstore. None of them bad, but all of them used as an escape sometimes.
When they disappear, you’re left with you.
https://unsplash.com/@pixel_talkies
With each type of escape that was removed, the only few that still remained available became blaringly obvious. Like my go-to emotions, the distractions of housework, or honestly, the stupid phone. I could see more clearly those tiny choices I was making that were causing a disconnect between what I most wanted out of life and what I was actually creating.
I had somehow lost touch with some of my deepest seated values. I still ascribed to them in theory, as well as in practice. But a disconnect had happened in my heart somewhere along the way, small points of contact got missed, and I really could feel the effects. It probably looked mostly the same from the outside. But inside, I felt off. I needed to get realigned.
Life is full of check points, places where we can stop and see, consider how things are going. This time is a grand example of that, but there are always points like this along the way.
Right now, in this season, I needed some time to practice. And God knew I need not allow myself any distractions from really seeing clearly, or from allowing myself the chance to really do a better job. Being present, being loving, being kind.
What is it about our lives and the pace we keep, that we forget how to practice what we value most deeply? I mean, how had I forgotten how to love well??? It’s not that I wasn’t trying. I really was. But I was a little off. I guess sometimes you really do need a reset. It was time to get back to dead center.
It’s as if everything I knew to be true about what is truly important has had a chance to travel further from my head and deeper into my heart. And then it’s had a chance to come out better through my hands, my mouth, and my body.
The question hangs in the balance here: will there be great changes that happen from this, or will life default back to its normal rhythms of school, work, and activities? Everyone talks of changes but what will it really look “after” this?
I don’t know, but I do know we each will have a lot of chance to practice what we’re learning. I also know that if we don’t get it right, love and life will find a way to give us more chances to learn. Let’s just hope it’s not another pandemic. And let’s hope we’re learning what we need now. ❤️
Tell me, what are you having to relearn? How are you realigning with your greatest joys in life after unplugging for a while? I really want to hear. I’m pretty sure many of us feel even more connected to where we thought we should be anyway.
So, have you met anyone interesting lately? Wait, did you just laugh? No, you say? You’re in quarantine. Right. Well, hold on just a minute, I bet you have. I think you’ve had the unique opportunity to deeply connect with the most interesting person around. The most important one you could ever meet in your lifetime.
Now, social distancing certainly has provided some rather interesting opportunities for connection. Not the usual kind, of course, but opportunities nonetheless. Zoom birthdays, bookclubs, college and preschool classes, even weddings are happening in homes across the world. Social distance meet ups, masked walks, and even parties where you park your cars closely or bring your own chair. Interesting, indeed. One things is certain, the person you’ve connected with the most is yourself. I think this is perhaps the greatest gift this strange quarantine has given each of us: the unique opportunity to meet yourself, yet again, and deeply.
You, meet YOU.
Hello, old friend. It’s so very nice to see you. Yes, come in, come in. Stay a while. No actually, stay a long while. You won’t be going anywhere for quite some time. Those trips to your favorite store to wander the aisles casually, your favorite equipment at the gym, a night out with friends? Yeah, you can kiss those goodbye. Those won’t be happening for a while.
You can just sit down and get reeeeeal comfortable.
Or uncomfortable, as it might be.
When life is changed, under pressure, and even stripped down from so much of the usual cloak and dagger of it all, we get the chance see more clearly who we really are at our core, how we’ve learned to function in the world, and whether or not it’s working for us.
Turns out, you didn’t need that mountaintop experience or to travel the world in self discovery, after all. You have the same opportunity right here. To be an observer of yourself. It’s not so much about what’s going on in the world. If you’re paying attention, it’s about what’s going on inside of you. And if you allow it, you have the opportunity to grow in the space of the uncomfortable.
Like an internal questionnaire, quarantine asked us at “intake”:
How are your habits? Are they good? Do you exercise regularly, eat well, sleep well? How’s your mental game? Do you manage stress well? Are you prone to anxiety? Do you let stress build up in your body? Do you bottle your emotions, crack under pressure, or disconnect when things get tough? What about coping mechanisms? Did you even realize you had them? Do you train your mind, feed it good things, work the muscles of choice and thought? What do you enjoy? How do you like to spend your time. Introvert or extrovert. Planner or fly by the seat of your pants? Are there some things you think you can’t live without? (You might have to try.)
Then we have had the chance to ask ourselves these or very similar questions again and again. Checking in weekly, daily, even hourly sometimes. Looking for changes, noticing cracks. Trying not the break. Trying maybe even to grow. Learning as we go.
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Your habits have be exposed in quarantine, maybe amplified, or possibly disrupted. The good ones have become even more helpful, and have been lifelines. For many, including me, that’s exercise and fresh air. The less desirable ones have also been brought into the dazzling light of quarantine, too, laid bare for you to notice. Impatience, lack of process, self-sabotaging tendencies have probably brought frustration.
There’s probably a lot of things that you already knew about yourself that this has further solidified. Your status as an introvert or extrovert is probably startling clear. Maybe you miss social events, hugging people, or strolling the aisles of your favorite store. You might have discovered whether you truly enjoy putting on makeup or did it because you felt that you had to. You’re team get dressed, get ready to feel your best or cozy sweatpants all day is totally your thing. Do you really love structure as much as you thought did, or are you appreciating the reprieve?
What about the tasks you didn’t do before because you “didn’t have time”? You realize you were actually just avoiding them for another reason, because now you have “all the time” and you still don’t do them. The things you turn to for comfort , even somewhat unknowingly before, you see more clearly now.
Have you ever played the wine or coffee game? My husband and I have asked this question over the years, a funny game of truth or dare, either/or with two favorite beverages. It feels more accurately like Sophie’s choice: which would you pick, wine or coffee? Though the choice is a difficult one, coffee usually wins. Life is full of opportunities to be taken, workouts and works, and coffee is a much more effective helper. (Plus add in kids, it is wins by a landslide for more effective parenting. Ha!)
Quarantine has given me the chance to test this theory out. Turns out, I was right all along. I have not had a glass of wine since the last was poured two days into quarantine. I’m not a willing participant for any extra trips to the store, so I’ve done without my nightly glass of chilled white wine. To be fair, I have substituted and gotten a little creative with the liquor cabinet’s forgotten contents. So this story is not about complete abstinence, but it is about self discovery.
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I have discovered that I don’t really need that glass of wine. I mean, I’ll take it when I can in the future, but until then, I’ll be just fine without it. I would probably discover this about coffee, too, if I allowed myself the chance. Though I don’t volunteer as easily for that one, we have come dangerously close to testing it out. I just don’t want to go down that road at this time, and I’m okay with that.
See, self discovery. If you can’t do some of the things that you normally do, you’ll begin to understand what you truly need in your life and what you in fact, don’t.
It should be said, you have gotten to meet who you are today in your life. Not who you were or even who thought you were. Who you actually are. We are ever-changing human beings and don’t always realize how we’ve changed or grown until you we stop and notice.
It’s like when you have a kitten. When it’s yours, and you live with it day in and day out, don’t don’t always realize how much it’s growing. Until, that is, a friend comes over and says “wow, your cats gotten so big!” You turn to look at your kitten and see, for the first time, that it is, indeed, now a much different cat. It’s like that with ourselves. Space allows us a chance to see change.
We are ever-changing human beings and you don’t always realize how we’ve changed or are growing until you we stop and notice, and even allow. Quarantine has provided this exact opportunity.
I hope you have found some things you are proud of and love about yourself, and you probably found some things you don’t, and that frustrate you. Whatever you find as see yourself more clearly, I hope that you’re taking notes. Like, literally, taking notes. Don’t forget what you’re learning.
It’s in this learning, noticing, and the exploration of what we do and who we are, even when it might be a little uncomfortable, where we can grow. In all the life’s discomfort, there lies the opportunity for growth if we allow it.
KNOW, And GROW.
Think of teeth breaking through a baby’s gums, teenage legs aching with quick growth, a mother’s belly swollen with new life. Think of a student’s brain stretching and growing as they struggle through learning something new, a marathoner training thier legs to go further and farther. Despite any pain, or maybe because of it, in these moments, growth is happening. They are becoming stronger, better at something.
So are you. This pause has opened up a space in time, creating an awareness for all of us, that we cannot allow to pass. There’s such incredible opportunity. We are often more capable than we give ourselves credit for, and more is happening than we realize.
You’ve probably even changed as you’ve proceeded through it. Maybe you’ve learned some new things- a skill from YouTube, tried your hand at a new hobby, taken an online course, or read an interesting book. Those are wonderful things. I hope you can continue them.
You’ve had a chance to reacquaint more clearly, deeply, and without any of the usual pretext as you are today. I hope you can appreciate what you’ve noticed and I hope you maintain a front row seat to your own continued growth. You can’t fix all of the things at once. Life is a complicated journey of discovery. But Keep noticing and growing, because with each discovery, more beauty is revealed.
To be honest, I was wondering on what thought to even end here. After all, growth is the kind of conversation that is both ongoing, and to me, fascinating. I set aside my writing, watched a movie with my family.
Turns out, that movie would be just the things. It was Dr. Dolittle, starring Robert Downey Jr., (which, I realized later, was just released in January.) And how appropriate this movie was. Not only is it a little bit of art imitating life, it brought it all together for me, and I hope it might do the same for you. (Don’t worry, it wasn’t the talking to animals part. But you can find messages of hope in the most unlikely of places!) I’ll give you the quick synopsis, beginning and end, and you’ll see what I mean.
Like Dr. Dolittle, you meet you
In opening scene, two young kids find him alone in his house, listless, living in solitude and mourning the loss of someone he loved. His hair is a mess, his beard is outrageously long, he has lost all hope of living the life he loved. He is all of us, on some days at least, in quarantine. Outwardly, or inwardly. Eventually he is pulled from him home, reluctantly, but with choice, in order to help save both the queen and his livelihood. This adventure take some him across the world, and though this may be where our journeys differ, the truths of self discovery and possibility are available to all of us as well, no matter where we are. How does it end, you ask? Here is a rather interesting and timely quote that sums it all up.
“Our story ends the way it began. Mostly. There once was a peculiar doctor who found he was at his best when sharing his extraordinary ability with others. Soon, he reopened his gates. Doolittle discovered his place in the world, once again. After all, it’s only by helping others that we can truly help ourselves.”
Spoken by Emma Thompson, voice of the narrator, Doctor Dolittle 2020
Why does it matter, anyway, all of this self awareness. Not only is being comfortable and confident in your own skin a really wonderful thing. But something else magical comes from that place of understanding. You can better understand and appreciate your place in this beautiful world. The beauty that you bring to it.
When quarantine is over and the doors to your home are reopened, I hope that for you the gates in your heart are reopened as well. That you find that with this chance to meet yourself, that you have discovered, again, and more fully, your own beautiful place in this world.
I’ve had a theory for a long time. One I like to call “The Good Enough Years”. I used it to refer to those early, intense years when your kids are very little and require so much hands on time as the Good Enough Years. You know those ones, where things seem messy and bulky and you are kind of waiting for a chance to catch up?
Except, the thing is, as soon as you might get the chance to catch up, it seems that more things come along that take your time and energy. Funny how that works. My thoughts about this have changed dramatically over the years. My neat little definition of “the good enough years” has expanded to fit the vast reality.
We are all in the “Good Enough Years”. It looks different for everyone, and it changes with the seasons, but we are all, indeed, there. Let me explain.
Because, the reality is, life happens. Interruptions happen, hiccups happen, and new things are constantly added. Life is always handing us challenges, causing us to change, to adapt, and redirect our energy. Some things more intensely getting our focus, while other things must fall into the “good enough” category.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Those early kid years really are intense. You work so hard keeping your children fed and alive and mostly clothed, and the house working well enough. Those things require a lot of time and care, and though you love it, some things may have to move to the back burner. Your perfectly dusted home, your nights out with girlfriends, a clear laundry room, your hair and wardrobe. (You know if you know. )
Some things aren’t a top priority at that time, because they just can’t be. You only have so much time, so many resources, and so much energy. You must pick and choose. And you hold on to hope for a brighter, cleaner, more put together day.
As your children transition to school, they begin to cycle between hours at home and hours away (also known as breathing room.) It becomes a time to catch up around the house a little, to organize deeper, to find space for improvement. You transition from a time of barely keeping up, to more time with strategic plans for growth.
Or so you think. And it might be in a lot of ways. But never quite as much as you imagine. Life, with this next stage, floods in again. There are sick days, school projects, and volunteering. There are home projects, things that need to be shopped for, pickups and drop offs, the mess left behind from the morning whirlwind. There is so much to do, still. After school becomes more intense too, and things need to shift to make time for the more “all hands on deck” approach that is needed. Which changes how the rest of your days and evening might look.
What you thought you might have more time for, you do, but not in the same way, and not ever as much as you thought. Good enough comes into play, again.
In high school, with all of the sports and activities, your good enough is take out food and minutes carved out together in the car. In the young years your good enough is bins that you can use to throw all the plastic bits, doing your best to keep them off the ground. The good enough years in grade school could be just keeping up with laundry and lunches. When your kids are to college your good enough might be organizing your storage area and FaceTime.
The good enough years are when you clean the baseboards on schedule because your kids are away at school or when you’re recovering from an injury that required surgery that puts the gym on hold, but you find time for knitting and those baseboards. Or when you’re recovered, when they’re a bit neglected so you can make it to the gym for your favorite workout twice a week at 10am.
We are ALL in the Good Enough Years. It may be for a variety of reasons, different and rotating through your calendars and your days, but we’re all pretty much in the same boat.
These three ideas can help you make sense of the changing seasons and know what Good Enough really means.
1. Choose what’s most important.
Ask yourself is most important for you right now. What are your priorities- In this season, in this week, in this year, in this hour?
Now, some are imposed (work or school projects, for example, or keeping your children fed) and some are chosen (after school activities or hobbies, making a homemade meal or baking a cake). The lines might get a little blurry, but the basics are non negotiable and important. It’s those extra things that need figuring out.
You can make homemade meals every night, have a sparkling home, have young kids , workout very regularly, run a business, be a great at croquet, be fashion forward, run a non profit, volunteer at school, play an instrument OR pull homemade cookies out of the oven every afternoon. You can choose a few of those things, but not all of them at the same time, and definitely not by yourself.
Because, in case you didn’t realize, you can’t do all of it yourself all of the time. Show me someone that you think IS doing all of these things and you can bet she’s getting help or she headed toward a major meltdown sooner than later. If it’s the latter, good for her. If it’s the former, God bless her soul and maybe you can be the shoulder that she cries on later. You can show her how it’s really done. Good Enough is really quite great.
It’s simply unattainable to do everything all the time. Some things have to give for others to flourish. So what are your priorities?
Only you can decide what’s most necessary and important for you and your family. And then you use the time and resources you have to make those things happen. Spend wisely on the things that light you up and reap the most benefit.
It’s kind of like those choose your own adventure books. You have choices to make, and you can’t have all of the pages open at the same time.
Is time outside in nature super important? Or making music? Or following a thorough cleaning schedule? Do you like fashion and nice outfits, or long runs and sweatpants? There’s no wrong answer. There’s just deciding what’s most important for you deep in your soul. Not what your in laws want or you thought you should do. What you actually want to do.
And remember, you can choose. It may not even seem like there’s a lot that you can choose, there might not be a lot of wiggle room left after the non negotiable things. But there’s probably more that you can decide than you’ve let yourself believe. Do less of something you thought you had to do and more of something that you want to. Find some space, even if it’s inches.
It doesn’t mean choosing (or implementing) will be easy, or perfect. It just means that you work for something, because you can, and because it’s okay for something to be important for you.
Because, mostly, later is an illusion.
One choice at a time, you are making room for what’s most important in your life. True priorities don’t just exist in your mind, you see them lived out in your reality. And if you want something badly enough, you make the time for it.
2. Be okay with what’s not.
*Remember what you’ve chosen and remind yourself. Not only is it okay, it’s good, both the choosing and the letting go. Because you can’t do all of it all the time, you must choose not only what’s most important for you, but also what to let go of. What becomes “Good Enough” is good enough because something is better. Some things can be more important and somethings can be less important. It’s necessary, even.
Good enough means you’re doing the best with your resources, time, and mental and emotional capacity. If you are intentional with the resources that you have, you can let go of the guilt. You are, quite literally, doing the best that you can. It’s not a cop out or an excuse for mediocrity. It’s reality. Many of us have a lot of things that pull us in a lot of different directions. With so much on our plates, it’s more than okay to choose.
Focusing on one area more intensely means that another area has to take a back seat. If everything was getting equal time, that would mean that everything was getting only fraction of your resources. Everything is good enough. So maybe having some things be good enough is okay.
Don’t feel guilt about it. Remember, your choices are about what means the most to you right now. That’s all you could ever hope for yourself.
Sometimes I tell myself these lies. That I don’t look or dress a certain way because I don’t have the time. Then I see moms with perfect hair and styled outfits and before my eyes I see what I thought was impossible be made possible. How do they do it? Honestly, because they made it a priority. If I wanted it badly enough, I could have that too.
Time isn’t infinite, though, so that means that something else would have to give. I could trade in fifteen minutes of Instagram or even my workouts, or my baseboards, but do I really want to? I shouldn’t complain, but I can choose differently if I want. At this point, I obviously don’t.
3. Adjust as you need to, want to, and as life continues to unfold.
I used to spend two days getting ready to host an evening with friends. I’d dust all the rooms, wash the baseboards, maybe even polish the silverware. There would be homemade everything, maybe a theme that touched on the book. Like the time I sought out moonshine, just before the curve where it was really cool, all because we had read a book set in bootlegging West Virginia. Sigh. That was fun.
The last time I hosted Bookclub, I cleaned only the room that we’ll be in, and the kids help me set the table. I prepped the salad, chopped the veggies. I skipped mopping the floor like I had planned, because the day was beautiful and called for me to bring the kids outside for an hour at the the park. I have no hope of reading the book, or even watching the movie like my husband and I discussed as plan B (an option I had never used before but was prepared to. I still couldn’t manage. Even plan B was deserted, and that was okay.) I managed to make a homemade dessert that wasn’t pretty, but tasty, and an easy dinner. It didn’t diminish the wonderful time that I had with my friends, in the least. And I had time with my precious children. That was a double win. I showed up, I opened my doors, deeply ensconsed in the good enough years.
Winning looks different in different seasons.
These are what it look ps like, right now. Kids, and clean enough and homemade enough, and hopefully, love enough. Next week’s Good Enough may look different, next month’s even, and next year’s probably will. That’s okay; it’s good, even.
I’ll probably still ignore my baseboards for most of each week, try to get outside everyday, hopefully with my kids, workout most every day and ignore my hair about the same amount. But I know I can change and choose whenever life demands or I decide.
In all of it, our Good Enough Years Are Good Enough. They are enough. Because there is never enough time, we must be gracious with ourselves. Realistic of ourselves. Purposeful with our resources. May your Good Enough be a reflection of what’s most important to you. May you let go of what you must, find delight in what you have set as a priority and let go of guilt for what must be “good enough”.
So tell me? What do you choose to be Good Enough, so that something else might be great? I want to hear. Because those are the very decisions that make life great. Extraordinary, even.
Go bask in the glow of your “good enough” today. Xox
Hey, I'm Courtney, a pretty ordinary girl who thinks we've all been called to an extraordinary life and love story with God. I'm passionate about family, faith, motherhood, and the adventure of every day. I write lots of words, mostly because I can’t help it- and I think it's one of the things I was born to do. I hope that something I write encourages you, to walk in your own unique purpose and calling, set free to love and give it away, starting wherever you are today. That's what Courting the Extraordinary is all about. Finding the good all around you, and giving it away. Finding, too, the God of all goodness who wants to walk with you.
I love quiet mornings, coffee, prayer and “work” before sunrise. Quality time with my family is my jam. I can be found grinning ear to ear when we're out on an adventure. Whether that's in our own backyard or exploring someplace new all-together, I’ll for sure note something beautiful about nature aloud-and maybe repeatedly, ha!. Life is a beautiful, precious gift, and an adventurous path to travel! We might as well learn how to love.
Hey, I'm Courtney, a pretty ordinary girl who thinks we've all been called to an extraordinary life and love story with God. I'm passionate about family, faith, motherhood, and the adventure of every day. I write lots of words, mostly because I can’t help it- and I think it's one of the things I was born to do. I hope that something I write encourages you, to walk in your own unique purpose and calling, set free to love and give it away, starting wherever you are today. That's what Courting the Extraordinary is all about. Finding the good all around you, and giving it away. Finding, too, the God of all goodness who wants to walk with you.
I love quiet mornings, coffee, prayer and “work” before sunrise. Quality time with my family is my jam. I can be found grinning ear to ear when we're out on an adventure. Whether that's in our own backyard or exploring someplace new all-together, I’ll for sure note something beautiful about nature aloud-and maybe repeatedly, ha!. Life is a beautiful, precious gift, and an adventurous path to travel! We might as well learn how to love.