Mother’s Day is here! It’s flowers and elephants everywhere. Elephants, you wonder? Yes, there’s an elephant in the room, and I want to talk about it. There are so many beautiful, amazing women that feel pain, longing or discomfort on Mother’s Day. Because motherhood is a deep, indisputable part of woman’s soul, whether a woman ever has any children or not, I want to talk about that beautiful, important elephant. To honor women everywhere, who are Mothers in many different ways. Happy Mother’s Day, to those nobody calls mom.
There are women who do not bear the official title of mom, yet for so many, a part of her soul feels connected to the heart of motherhood. Like a pulse underneath her skin that cannot be denied, but merely has trouble being defined.
Mom, not mom. Foster mom, surrogate mom, miscarriage mom, waiting mom. Some of us struggle with the definitions. Though you understand and maybe know in theory that your worth cannot be defined by one title alone, without people call to call you a certain name, there’s a vagueness that feels uncomfortable. We struggle to properly realize or define the feelings in our heart.
Though I am a mom now, I felt that for a long time myself. Before anyone ever called me “mom”, I struggled to define my feelings, and often celebrated Mother’s Day sorting through them. For nine years I was married, mothering as part of my vocation, and unsure if I would ever have (or need) children of my own. I was a mothering non-mom. I know there are so many of us. I see you, too. I honor that struggle. With a varying sense of wonder and appreciation for beauty, understanding your own innate value, and acknowledging some level of pain accepting your own story and honoring the gaps. I know deep in your heart and have trouble justifying some of what this day of cards and flowers means for you.
It’s funny that I mentioned the elephant in the room. I merely meant to use it as a saying, the thing unmentioned that should be mentioned. But the more I thought about it, the more the elephant visual speaks. Elephants are faithful, elephants have long memories. Women elephants care for the young that are all around them, even those that are not their own. Elephant aunts are an incredibly important part of elephant society. Elephants are innately mothering and caring for one another. I believe women are too. And it’s not just always about children.
I believe that there are not enough categories to define the ways that a woman brings life to the world. To people, to places, to love. A woman’s heart is made to bear, to hold close, and to bring life to things, in a myriad of ways. Maybe it’s an idea, a creative work, a business. Sometimes it’s a human being, but that is not the only chance in life to mother. There are chances all along the way. Many of us practice as little girls, caring for our stuffed animals and dolls, dogs and siblings. Becoming a mom is not the final culmination of that innate dream. It is merely one of them.
Photo by Sasha Freemind
Am I not a mother, or less of a woman if nobody calls me “mom”?
No, no you are not. You are not, you are not.
Whether or not you want to ever go on to bear children, you have probably have found something or someone in life right now that you love well. It is a part of womanhood that cannot be limited or defined by one expression. There are Caretakers, nannies, helpers, wives, who care with the spirit of a mother, for hours and hours at a time, for their whole lives. Women whose hearts hold as much love as it can contain for another soul. There are gardeners, animal lovers, nature preservers. Your love has made a difference to something. Any act of love becomes multiplied by sharing. In caring for what you have cared for, you have connected with the spirit of creation and of motherhood.
You pour the all-encompassing, life giving love of a mother onto your families, your sisters, your parents. Your gardens, your home, your books, your pets. You give space and attention, the devotion of motherhood, to the things around you, and you make them the most valuable.
It matters. And the whole earth thanks you, for sharing the beauty that is in you, the power to bring life. You are a mother, simply because you are a woman. Women cannot help but create, bring life to something out of love.
Yes, we should throw flowers at mother’s whose sleep is disrupted and thoughts interrupted daily on repeat. But we should not deny the spirit of a mother that is in all of us. It should be celebrated, acknowledged, and honored every day, and Mother’s Day is no exception.
Sometimes the things that she loves have no words to describe, or yet, no voice, to utter thanks. Today, I will try to be that voice.
Happy Mother’s Day to those who are not called “Mom”.
From the places you made more beautiful or safe, an otherwise neglected corner of the world, hear the “thank you” whispered in the breeze.
From the pets that you care for so deeply and love so well, hear the ‘thank you mom’ come from their contented sigh.
From the womb that held, even for a little while, a life, hear it. “Thank you, mom. You gave space for my heart to beat.”
From the children you cared for in a season, who can’t find the way for the words to reach you. Hear this, “thank you. Your love helped save my life.”
When you look at your garden, or what you created in your kitchen or with your hands, I hope you see it smile back, “Thank you for making me beautiful.”
From the business you are building, pouring in sweat and tears. The people it will bless, the legacy it will leave. Hear “thank you for new opportunity.”
May you feel the love you have given return to you, in thanks. A hug, an embrace for your care. A bow, a whisper, in gratitude, for all of the love you have given the life you have brought forth.From heaven itself, from a Father who sees
what one else does, “It’s Me that you please.”
We are no less of a woman because of loss or difference, lack or what seems like a void at first glance. We all are Mothers, in whatever way we are meant to be right now. We, too, honor you.
This Great Reset has indeed lived up to its name, hasn’t it? In unplugging from so much of what our lives had become, a giant reboot is happening inside of many of our hearts and our homes. We’ve had the chance to reevaluate, to grow, find pain points, and to come to realizations along the way. You know what’s interesting? Almost everything I’m learning is actually a re-learning, learning all over again things that I already knew (or thought I did). I’m re-realizing some I had once known and kind of forgotten, and others I needed to practice a little better. Anyone with me?
It’s interesting how Life keeps handing you the same lessons, sometimes. A curriculum on repeat.
It feels like you must be really dumb, or a really slow learner, or pretty thick headed to circle back to these things again. That may not necessarily be the case. Maybe it is (raising my hand!) Either way, each chance to relearn the most important things is actually an opportunity to go deeper, and to embody truth more truthfully and deeply. To clarify. Life get complicated and cluttered. Sometimes you need to clear some space and get back to the core.
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Like a car whose alignment had gone off-kilter from some serious bumps in the road, I had too. I was struggling to steer straight, even more than I realized. This time has been a giant recalibrating to my truest self. There have been no seismic shifts or grand enlightenments. But yet, in reconnecting to my core in a deeper way, maybe there has.
“Life is made for enjoying, for loving, and for sharing. Quality time with my young family is one of my greatest joys, whether we are taking a special trip together or watching the sun set from our backyard.” That’s what I wrote on my first attempt at an “about me” page on my blog. While truer words I’ve hardly spoken and it’s truly how I really feel most of my life, this time has shed a light on a few cracks in the walls, and I’ve seen them loud and clear. Those words have never been put to the test more than right now.
Now, on the one hand, I shouldn’t be surprised, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. I just was set to embark on a new journey, becoming a mostly stay-at-home mom. I had found myself too rushed, too short with my kids, too hurried. I realized that my schedule had ceased to work for me, and instead, was causing me too much resistance towards what I value the most- loving well, and connection.
So, here I found myself, in the pandemic like everyone else. Alone, but not alone, all but locked in the house with my kids and husband. And it was great, except for the parts where it wasn’t. The beginning was the scariest, of course. The fear was palpable. But after some time, that feeling started to recede, the tide of fear rolling out in much the same way that I came in, a natural ebb receding to open up a little more space. When my time was free of some of the all-encompassing scariness of it all, it gave way to some more of the natural disturbances. The needs of the kids, the upkeep of the house, the endless meals and clean up. It all moved along into its usual areas of great, boring, difficult and lovely. Normal life in a nutshell.
Each day, each week as it ticked by was another chance to get it more right.
I realized I was having trouble connecting. I was distracted. I was short. I looked at my children when they spoke to me and wondered why i felt impatient instead of present. I was following through on many of the actions, doing what I most value, but I was feeling disconnected from the JOY.
Eventually, I came to realize that my greatest resistance wasn’t actually my schedule. It was who I was becoming, slowly and without realizing it, as I moved throughout my days. Maybe it started because of my schedule and it’s added pressure. But the schedule was merely a catalyst, an outside factor that started to touch on and expose some of my own internal failings.
And by failings I mean flaws in my choices when under pressure. The places where I was falling short, where I would feel an emotion, and fall onto something else in order to get by. All of those tiny crutches, the habits I didn’t really give too much thought to. Leaving the house for an adventure, escape, or a distraction. A glass of wine to relax. A schedule and routine that provided appropriate disruption from my discomfort. A cookie, coffee and wander at the bookstore. None of them bad, but all of them used as an escape sometimes.
When they disappear, you’re left with you.
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With each type of escape that was removed, the only few that still remained available became blaringly obvious. Like my go-to emotions, the distractions of housework, or honestly, the stupid phone. I could see more clearly those tiny choices I was making that were causing a disconnect between what I most wanted out of life and what I was actually creating.
I had somehow lost touch with some of my deepest seated values. I still ascribed to them in theory, as well as in practice. But a disconnect had happened in my heart somewhere along the way, small points of contact got missed, and I really could feel the effects. It probably looked mostly the same from the outside. But inside, I felt off. I needed to get realigned.
Life is full of check points, places where we can stop and see, consider how things are going. This time is a grand example of that, but there are always points like this along the way.
Right now, in this season, I needed some time to practice. And God knew I need not allow myself any distractions from really seeing clearly, or from allowing myself the chance to really do a better job. Being present, being loving, being kind.
What is it about our lives and the pace we keep, that we forget how to practice what we value most deeply? I mean, how had I forgotten how to love well??? It’s not that I wasn’t trying. I really was. But I was a little off. I guess sometimes you really do need a reset. It was time to get back to dead center.
It’s as if everything I knew to be true about what is truly important has had a chance to travel further from my head and deeper into my heart. And then it’s had a chance to come out better through my hands, my mouth, and my body.
The question hangs in the balance here: will there be great changes that happen from this, or will life default back to its normal rhythms of school, work, and activities? Everyone talks of changes but what will it really look “after” this?
I don’t know, but I do know we each will have a lot of chance to practice what we’re learning. I also know that if we don’t get it right, love and life will find a way to give us more chances to learn. Let’s just hope it’s not another pandemic. And let’s hope we’re learning what we need now. ❤️
Tell me, what are you having to relearn? How are you realigning with your greatest joys in life after unplugging for a while? I really want to hear. I’m pretty sure many of us feel even more connected to where we thought we should be anyway.
So, have you met anyone interesting lately? Wait, did you just laugh? No, you say? You’re in quarantine. Right. Well, hold on just a minute, I bet you have. I think you’ve had the unique opportunity to deeply connect with the most interesting person around. The most important one you could ever meet in your lifetime.
Now, social distancing certainly has provided some rather interesting opportunities for connection. Not the usual kind, of course, but opportunities nonetheless. Zoom birthdays, bookclubs, college and preschool classes, even weddings are happening in homes across the world. Social distance meet ups, masked walks, and even parties where you park your cars closely or bring your own chair. Interesting, indeed. One things is certain, the person you’ve connected with the most is yourself. I think this is perhaps the greatest gift this strange quarantine has given each of us: the unique opportunity to meet yourself, yet again, and deeply.
You, meet YOU.
Hello, old friend. It’s so very nice to see you. Yes, come in, come in. Stay a while. No actually, stay a long while. You won’t be going anywhere for quite some time. Those trips to your favorite store to wander the aisles casually, your favorite equipment at the gym, a night out with friends? Yeah, you can kiss those goodbye. Those won’t be happening for a while.
You can just sit down and get reeeeeal comfortable.
Or uncomfortable, as it might be.
When life is changed, under pressure, and even stripped down from so much of the usual cloak and dagger of it all, we get the chance see more clearly who we really are at our core, how we’ve learned to function in the world, and whether or not it’s working for us.
Turns out, you didn’t need that mountaintop experience or to travel the world in self discovery, after all. You have the same opportunity right here. To be an observer of yourself. It’s not so much about what’s going on in the world. If you’re paying attention, it’s about what’s going on inside of you. And if you allow it, you have the opportunity to grow in the space of the uncomfortable.
Like an internal questionnaire, quarantine asked us at “intake”:
How are your habits? Are they good? Do you exercise regularly, eat well, sleep well? How’s your mental game? Do you manage stress well? Are you prone to anxiety? Do you let stress build up in your body? Do you bottle your emotions, crack under pressure, or disconnect when things get tough? What about coping mechanisms? Did you even realize you had them? Do you train your mind, feed it good things, work the muscles of choice and thought? What do you enjoy? How do you like to spend your time. Introvert or extrovert. Planner or fly by the seat of your pants? Are there some things you think you can’t live without? (You might have to try.)
Then we have had the chance to ask ourselves these or very similar questions again and again. Checking in weekly, daily, even hourly sometimes. Looking for changes, noticing cracks. Trying not the break. Trying maybe even to grow. Learning as we go.
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Your habits have be exposed in quarantine, maybe amplified, or possibly disrupted. The good ones have become even more helpful, and have been lifelines. For many, including me, that’s exercise and fresh air. The less desirable ones have also been brought into the dazzling light of quarantine, too, laid bare for you to notice. Impatience, lack of process, self-sabotaging tendencies have probably brought frustration.
There’s probably a lot of things that you already knew about yourself that this has further solidified. Your status as an introvert or extrovert is probably startling clear. Maybe you miss social events, hugging people, or strolling the aisles of your favorite store. You might have discovered whether you truly enjoy putting on makeup or did it because you felt that you had to. You’re team get dressed, get ready to feel your best or cozy sweatpants all day is totally your thing. Do you really love structure as much as you thought did, or are you appreciating the reprieve?
What about the tasks you didn’t do before because you “didn’t have time”? You realize you were actually just avoiding them for another reason, because now you have “all the time” and you still don’t do them. The things you turn to for comfort , even somewhat unknowingly before, you see more clearly now.
Have you ever played the wine or coffee game? My husband and I have asked this question over the years, a funny game of truth or dare, either/or with two favorite beverages. It feels more accurately like Sophie’s choice: which would you pick, wine or coffee? Though the choice is a difficult one, coffee usually wins. Life is full of opportunities to be taken, workouts and works, and coffee is a much more effective helper. (Plus add in kids, it is wins by a landslide for more effective parenting. Ha!)
Quarantine has given me the chance to test this theory out. Turns out, I was right all along. I have not had a glass of wine since the last was poured two days into quarantine. I’m not a willing participant for any extra trips to the store, so I’ve done without my nightly glass of chilled white wine. To be fair, I have substituted and gotten a little creative with the liquor cabinet’s forgotten contents. So this story is not about complete abstinence, but it is about self discovery.
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I have discovered that I don’t really need that glass of wine. I mean, I’ll take it when I can in the future, but until then, I’ll be just fine without it. I would probably discover this about coffee, too, if I allowed myself the chance. Though I don’t volunteer as easily for that one, we have come dangerously close to testing it out. I just don’t want to go down that road at this time, and I’m okay with that.
See, self discovery. If you can’t do some of the things that you normally do, you’ll begin to understand what you truly need in your life and what you in fact, don’t.
It should be said, you have gotten to meet who you are today in your life. Not who you were or even who thought you were. Who you actually are. We are ever-changing human beings and don’t always realize how we’ve changed or grown until you we stop and notice.
It’s like when you have a kitten. When it’s yours, and you live with it day in and day out, don’t don’t always realize how much it’s growing. Until, that is, a friend comes over and says “wow, your cats gotten so big!” You turn to look at your kitten and see, for the first time, that it is, indeed, now a much different cat. It’s like that with ourselves. Space allows us a chance to see change.
We are ever-changing human beings and you don’t always realize how we’ve changed or are growing until you we stop and notice, and even allow. Quarantine has provided this exact opportunity.
I hope you have found some things you are proud of and love about yourself, and you probably found some things you don’t, and that frustrate you. Whatever you find as see yourself more clearly, I hope that you’re taking notes. Like, literally, taking notes. Don’t forget what you’re learning.
It’s in this learning, noticing, and the exploration of what we do and who we are, even when it might be a little uncomfortable, where we can grow. In all the life’s discomfort, there lies the opportunity for growth if we allow it.
KNOW, And GROW.
Think of teeth breaking through a baby’s gums, teenage legs aching with quick growth, a mother’s belly swollen with new life. Think of a student’s brain stretching and growing as they struggle through learning something new, a marathoner training thier legs to go further and farther. Despite any pain, or maybe because of it, in these moments, growth is happening. They are becoming stronger, better at something.
So are you. This pause has opened up a space in time, creating an awareness for all of us, that we cannot allow to pass. There’s such incredible opportunity. We are often more capable than we give ourselves credit for, and more is happening than we realize.
You’ve probably even changed as you’ve proceeded through it. Maybe you’ve learned some new things- a skill from YouTube, tried your hand at a new hobby, taken an online course, or read an interesting book. Those are wonderful things. I hope you can continue them.
You’ve had a chance to reacquaint more clearly, deeply, and without any of the usual pretext as you are today. I hope you can appreciate what you’ve noticed and I hope you maintain a front row seat to your own continued growth. You can’t fix all of the things at once. Life is a complicated journey of discovery. But Keep noticing and growing, because with each discovery, more beauty is revealed.
To be honest, I was wondering on what thought to even end here. After all, growth is the kind of conversation that is both ongoing, and to me, fascinating. I set aside my writing, watched a movie with my family.
Turns out, that movie would be just the things. It was Dr. Dolittle, starring Robert Downey Jr., (which, I realized later, was just released in January.) And how appropriate this movie was. Not only is it a little bit of art imitating life, it brought it all together for me, and I hope it might do the same for you. (Don’t worry, it wasn’t the talking to animals part. But you can find messages of hope in the most unlikely of places!) I’ll give you the quick synopsis, beginning and end, and you’ll see what I mean.
Like Dr. Dolittle, you meet you
In opening scene, two young kids find him alone in his house, listless, living in solitude and mourning the loss of someone he loved. His hair is a mess, his beard is outrageously long, he has lost all hope of living the life he loved. He is all of us, on some days at least, in quarantine. Outwardly, or inwardly. Eventually he is pulled from him home, reluctantly, but with choice, in order to help save both the queen and his livelihood. This adventure take some him across the world, and though this may be where our journeys differ, the truths of self discovery and possibility are available to all of us as well, no matter where we are. How does it end, you ask? Here is a rather interesting and timely quote that sums it all up.
“Our story ends the way it began. Mostly. There once was a peculiar doctor who found he was at his best when sharing his extraordinary ability with others. Soon, he reopened his gates. Doolittle discovered his place in the world, once again. After all, it’s only by helping others that we can truly help ourselves.”
Spoken by Emma Thompson, voice of the narrator, Doctor Dolittle 2020
Why does it matter, anyway, all of this self awareness. Not only is being comfortable and confident in your own skin a really wonderful thing. But something else magical comes from that place of understanding. You can better understand and appreciate your place in this beautiful world. The beauty that you bring to it.
When quarantine is over and the doors to your home are reopened, I hope that for you the gates in your heart are reopened as well. That you find that with this chance to meet yourself, that you have discovered, again, and more fully, your own beautiful place in this world.
I’ve had a theory for a long time. One I like to call “The Good Enough Years”. I used it to refer to those early, intense years when your kids are very little and require so much hands on time as the Good Enough Years. You know those ones, where things seem messy and bulky and you are kind of waiting for a chance to catch up?
Except, the thing is, as soon as you might get the chance to catch up, it seems that more things come along that take your time and energy. Funny how that works. My thoughts about this have changed dramatically over the years. My neat little definition of “the good enough years” has expanded to fit the vast reality.
We are all in the “Good Enough Years”. It looks different for everyone, and it changes with the seasons, but we are all, indeed, there. Let me explain.
Because, the reality is, life happens. Interruptions happen, hiccups happen, and new things are constantly added. Life is always handing us challenges, causing us to change, to adapt, and redirect our energy. Some things more intensely getting our focus, while other things must fall into the “good enough” category.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Those early kid years really are intense. You work so hard keeping your children fed and alive and mostly clothed, and the house working well enough. Those things require a lot of time and care, and though you love it, some things may have to move to the back burner. Your perfectly dusted home, your nights out with girlfriends, a clear laundry room, your hair and wardrobe. (You know if you know. )
Some things aren’t a top priority at that time, because they just can’t be. You only have so much time, so many resources, and so much energy. You must pick and choose. And you hold on to hope for a brighter, cleaner, more put together day.
As your children transition to school, they begin to cycle between hours at home and hours away (also known as breathing room.) It becomes a time to catch up around the house a little, to organize deeper, to find space for improvement. You transition from a time of barely keeping up, to more time with strategic plans for growth.
Or so you think. And it might be in a lot of ways. But never quite as much as you imagine. Life, with this next stage, floods in again. There are sick days, school projects, and volunteering. There are home projects, things that need to be shopped for, pickups and drop offs, the mess left behind from the morning whirlwind. There is so much to do, still. After school becomes more intense too, and things need to shift to make time for the more “all hands on deck” approach that is needed. Which changes how the rest of your days and evening might look.
What you thought you might have more time for, you do, but not in the same way, and not ever as much as you thought. Good enough comes into play, again.
In high school, with all of the sports and activities, your good enough is take out food and minutes carved out together in the car. In the young years your good enough is bins that you can use to throw all the plastic bits, doing your best to keep them off the ground. The good enough years in grade school could be just keeping up with laundry and lunches. When your kids are to college your good enough might be organizing your storage area and FaceTime.
The good enough years are when you clean the baseboards on schedule because your kids are away at school or when you’re recovering from an injury that required surgery that puts the gym on hold, but you find time for knitting and those baseboards. Or when you’re recovered, when they’re a bit neglected so you can make it to the gym for your favorite workout twice a week at 10am.
We are ALL in the Good Enough Years. It may be for a variety of reasons, different and rotating through your calendars and your days, but we’re all pretty much in the same boat.
These three ideas can help you make sense of the changing seasons and know what Good Enough really means.
1. Choose what’s most important.
Ask yourself is most important for you right now. What are your priorities- In this season, in this week, in this year, in this hour?
Now, some are imposed (work or school projects, for example, or keeping your children fed) and some are chosen (after school activities or hobbies, making a homemade meal or baking a cake). The lines might get a little blurry, but the basics are non negotiable and important. It’s those extra things that need figuring out.
You can make homemade meals every night, have a sparkling home, have young kids , workout very regularly, run a business, be a great at croquet, be fashion forward, run a non profit, volunteer at school, play an instrument OR pull homemade cookies out of the oven every afternoon. You can choose a few of those things, but not all of them at the same time, and definitely not by yourself.
Because, in case you didn’t realize, you can’t do all of it yourself all of the time. Show me someone that you think IS doing all of these things and you can bet she’s getting help or she headed toward a major meltdown sooner than later. If it’s the latter, good for her. If it’s the former, God bless her soul and maybe you can be the shoulder that she cries on later. You can show her how it’s really done. Good Enough is really quite great.
It’s simply unattainable to do everything all the time. Some things have to give for others to flourish. So what are your priorities?
Only you can decide what’s most necessary and important for you and your family. And then you use the time and resources you have to make those things happen. Spend wisely on the things that light you up and reap the most benefit.
It’s kind of like those choose your own adventure books. You have choices to make, and you can’t have all of the pages open at the same time.
Is time outside in nature super important? Or making music? Or following a thorough cleaning schedule? Do you like fashion and nice outfits, or long runs and sweatpants? There’s no wrong answer. There’s just deciding what’s most important for you deep in your soul. Not what your in laws want or you thought you should do. What you actually want to do.
And remember, you can choose. It may not even seem like there’s a lot that you can choose, there might not be a lot of wiggle room left after the non negotiable things. But there’s probably more that you can decide than you’ve let yourself believe. Do less of something you thought you had to do and more of something that you want to. Find some space, even if it’s inches.
It doesn’t mean choosing (or implementing) will be easy, or perfect. It just means that you work for something, because you can, and because it’s okay for something to be important for you.
Because, mostly, later is an illusion.
One choice at a time, you are making room for what’s most important in your life. True priorities don’t just exist in your mind, you see them lived out in your reality. And if you want something badly enough, you make the time for it.
2. Be okay with what’s not.
*Remember what you’ve chosen and remind yourself. Not only is it okay, it’s good, both the choosing and the letting go. Because you can’t do all of it all the time, you must choose not only what’s most important for you, but also what to let go of. What becomes “Good Enough” is good enough because something is better. Some things can be more important and somethings can be less important. It’s necessary, even.
Good enough means you’re doing the best with your resources, time, and mental and emotional capacity. If you are intentional with the resources that you have, you can let go of the guilt. You are, quite literally, doing the best that you can. It’s not a cop out or an excuse for mediocrity. It’s reality. Many of us have a lot of things that pull us in a lot of different directions. With so much on our plates, it’s more than okay to choose.
Focusing on one area more intensely means that another area has to take a back seat. If everything was getting equal time, that would mean that everything was getting only fraction of your resources. Everything is good enough. So maybe having some things be good enough is okay.
Don’t feel guilt about it. Remember, your choices are about what means the most to you right now. That’s all you could ever hope for yourself.
Sometimes I tell myself these lies. That I don’t look or dress a certain way because I don’t have the time. Then I see moms with perfect hair and styled outfits and before my eyes I see what I thought was impossible be made possible. How do they do it? Honestly, because they made it a priority. If I wanted it badly enough, I could have that too.
Time isn’t infinite, though, so that means that something else would have to give. I could trade in fifteen minutes of Instagram or even my workouts, or my baseboards, but do I really want to? I shouldn’t complain, but I can choose differently if I want. At this point, I obviously don’t.
3. Adjust as you need to, want to, and as life continues to unfold.
I used to spend two days getting ready to host an evening with friends. I’d dust all the rooms, wash the baseboards, maybe even polish the silverware. There would be homemade everything, maybe a theme that touched on the book. Like the time I sought out moonshine, just before the curve where it was really cool, all because we had read a book set in bootlegging West Virginia. Sigh. That was fun.
The last time I hosted Bookclub, I cleaned only the room that we’ll be in, and the kids help me set the table. I prepped the salad, chopped the veggies. I skipped mopping the floor like I had planned, because the day was beautiful and called for me to bring the kids outside for an hour at the the park. I have no hope of reading the book, or even watching the movie like my husband and I discussed as plan B (an option I had never used before but was prepared to. I still couldn’t manage. Even plan B was deserted, and that was okay.) I managed to make a homemade dessert that wasn’t pretty, but tasty, and an easy dinner. It didn’t diminish the wonderful time that I had with my friends, in the least. And I had time with my precious children. That was a double win. I showed up, I opened my doors, deeply ensconsed in the good enough years.
Winning looks different in different seasons.
These are what it look ps like, right now. Kids, and clean enough and homemade enough, and hopefully, love enough. Next week’s Good Enough may look different, next month’s even, and next year’s probably will. That’s okay; it’s good, even.
I’ll probably still ignore my baseboards for most of each week, try to get outside everyday, hopefully with my kids, workout most every day and ignore my hair about the same amount. But I know I can change and choose whenever life demands or I decide.
In all of it, our Good Enough Years Are Good Enough. They are enough. Because there is never enough time, we must be gracious with ourselves. Realistic of ourselves. Purposeful with our resources. May your Good Enough be a reflection of what’s most important to you. May you let go of what you must, find delight in what you have set as a priority and let go of guilt for what must be “good enough”.
So tell me? What do you choose to be Good Enough, so that something else might be great? I want to hear. Because those are the very decisions that make life great. Extraordinary, even.
Go bask in the glow of your “good enough” today. Xox
I walk in my neighborhood, just like everyday, only now I see neighbors I have never met before. There they are, now walking down the road in the middle of the day, enjoying fresh air. The coin is heads up.
I return home, catch a snippet of not so great news -terrible, even. Maybe my neighbors do, too. The coin flips. Tails.
I think of this time at home. The extra snuggle and baking and reading, perhaps some worthy projects. The stuff some of us have craved. A pause. A rest. A reset.
Then I think of those who are forced by trade and responsibility to go out and work, fight even, for health and the good of others, to help. I feel the weight of their sacrifice. I feel guilty even.
The coin flips yet again.
All day with the ones you love and nowhere to go. Flip.
More dishes for all the eating at home. More snacks, more clean up. Balancing school and work and housework. The more time, less time continuum goes on, just here inside your four walls.
The concern for safety, the worry. More washing- the floors, the clothes, everything we touch, our hands a hundred times, our groceries even.
The song that gives you hope, that seems to reach into your bones and embolden you. Flip.
Baked bread in the middle of the day. The smell, the joy of it. Flip.
You remember you baked it because there was bread at the grocery store. Flip.
Two sides of the coin. The blessings and the immense challenges. The interdependence and vulnerability of society, and the flip side of personal responsibility. The individual as well as the team effort. Faith in the human spirit and resilience, yet, ultimately, dependence on a gracious God.
I had been finding a lot of coins in the last months, before all of this. Around my house, on the street. I would look for the head to be upon. Most of the time, it was. I would take it as a good sign. I even found one the other day. Right there in the middle of the road as I ran a few mornings ago. I was listening to a podcast, running to find hope and to try to shake off a bit of the eery feeling many of us have right now. I stopped when I saw that penny, took a picture. Grasped for hope. A penny heads up.
But really, what does heads up or heads down mean except for the value that we place on it?
Because nothing has only one side. No coin, no dollar. No lesson, no opportunity, no gain, no experience. There is never just one side. Every heads up has a tail.
Now matter how something comes to you, whether it is found, earned, or gained, a surprise or sought, there are two sides. Much like a coin, these experiences are currency.
Here, on either side, there is opportunity.
Each coin has only the value that you give it, that we give it collectively as a society. So when the coin flips back and forth, back and forth, may you see it all as value. To teach you, to guide you, to help you to grow. In grace as well as in strength.
When one side of the coin or the other shows itself to you, may you find the value that is to be found there. The inherent value of the human experience and the truth that you can and will find what it takes to make it. To improve, even in the incredible face of challenges.
Because I’ve heard of stacking dimes. But sometimes, all you can stack is the pennies you can find. Using what you have to make life better, one small thing at a time. No matter what, Life improves as you count the things of value. You will always have enough if you look for the treasures, no matter what side you found them on.
I rise early, to think and write, to possibly pray. But I feel something different this time. (These are different days, indeed.)
I start with the usual feeling of gratitude and yet… something shifts. I can’t just check the boxes, business as usual.
The actual vulnerability of my children, of myself, of any of us, grips my chest. I feel scared in this moment, something I maybe don’t allow myself to feel most of the time.
There, in the darkness and quiet of the morning, I feel the danger of all that could be. There, in the dark, I finally feel afraid.
It grips my chest. And I must pray. (What else can I do?? I already wrote my affirmations, have already expressed my gratitude. But it is not enough. No, it is indeed not. Not now.)
The prayer is a psalm that comes to mind. It is one that I have trouble saying at first. The words are heavy on my tongue and make me fearful. I don’t want to say them out loud. I don’t want to need them.
But, my family. Our lives. My sweet children sleeping upstairs, and my strong husband, too. All of our futures unknown, our safety unsure.
I’m brought back to the words. What other choice do I have? When you can’t ignore your reality any more, you must face it. Even if it’s just the reality of what’s in your heart. I must pray them.
“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.”
I don’t want to walk through that valley. I don’t want to say that word. I don’t want to think of it or feel it or even talk about it. I don’t even want to pray it. Saying the words would make it feel too real or possible.
I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
But I feel lost in the darkness, literally.
“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. FOR YOU ARE WITH ME. YOUR ROD AND YOUR STAFF THEY COMFORT ME.”
I cry at the thought of that. A big strong shepherd, there beside me. With a rod and a staff.
I am not alone.
‘Good shepherd, kind and strong, beat away the wolves that are around us. Please draw me closer to safety with your staff, though I may try to wander away. Help us and please keep us safe.” I cry and my words are simple. Their meaning, however, is not.
None of this is easy. These things never are.
Faith in the dark is hard fought. Faith anytime is, I remember.
I feel like I have to walk into the other room to grab my little leather bound bible. One I haven’t cracked open in a long time.
(Judge me if you must, one way or another. I don’t open it often. Faith still beats in my heart and it won’t let me go, even if I wrestle. Even though it looks different than it used to or than I thought it should. God is bigger than my preconceived notions. Perhaps yours, too.)
I like to say I’m a bit of a recovering bible school graduate. Who married a Catholic and has all but officially become one herself , since I began attending mass almost two decades ago. (I’m a slow adaptor.) Who never stopped believing, but whose ideas and perspective have changed a lot over time.
I grab the bible from the other room and head back to where I was sitting. Psalm 139 is all I can think. I know it’s the message of God knitting us together, forming us in the womb. But that’s not the part that calls me. I’m not sure what is. But I pick it up anyway.
Lord you have searched me and know me. You know my sitting down and my uprising, you know my thoughts from afar. There is not a word on my tongue but you know it altogether. You are behind me and before. You have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me. It is high. I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I ascend up into heaven YOU ARE THERE. If I make my bed in hell, behold, YOU ARE THERE. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there shall your hand lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. Yes, the darkness hides not from thee. The night shines as day. The darkness after light are alike to thee. ❤️
Psalm 139
God knew I would stumble on the words “the valley of the shadow of death.” I realize now it doesn’t even necessarily mean death. It means the shadow of it, the darkness, the fear. But, “I will fear no evil. Because you are with me.”
He knew it all. My hesitance. My fear. The darkness around me, the darkness of my faith, the wrestle in the dark.
Not to make light of it, but it’s kind of like those blue scissors that my son asked for during craft time. I got up and looked all over the house for them. Upstairs, downstairs, everywhere. I came back to the room where we were set up, to report that I couldn’t find them. Then I looked back where I started and I burst out laughing. They were right there beside me, all along.
”You are behind me and before me. You have laid your hand upon me.”
How I think of faith has changed a lot over time. This morning in the dark, even, it became deeper.
We can’t loose it as easily as you might fear. God doesn’t let us go that easily.
Much like a wife who may have forgotten how to love her husband. She doesn’t merely cease to be married, even if she ceased to hold up her end of the bargain. That’s not how covenant works.
Real love keeps loving, even when it’s not being reciprocated. Real love is a choice. And a long time ago, God chose you.
He did, in fact, knit you together in the womb.
He is, in fact, beside you in the mountaintop, and in the depths.
He already knows the prayers that are so hard to whisper in dark, or even the ones that don’t ever make it off of your lips.
And still, He chooses you.
That’s a love that’s bigger than your fears in the dark.
I don’t know too much and certainly not everything. But I do know that God had been there all along. That he has not left us alone, even when we haven’t seen him, or we’ve forgotten about him for a while, or maybe even tried to forget. He had never forgotten us.
So keep whispering your prayers. I will too.
In the darkness and in the light, in feeble faith or bold. It’s okay. Because it turns out it’s not really that dependent on us anyway.
He’s STILL right there.
May he walk with us through the valley. Eventually, we’ll make it to the other side, whatever that looks like. He’ll be with us when we get there. But also, we don’t have to wait. He’s already here with us now. And He always has been.
Hey, I'm Courtney, a pretty ordinary girl who thinks we've all been called to an extraordinary life and love story with God. I'm passionate about family, faith, motherhood, and the adventure of every day. I write lots of words, mostly because I can’t help it- and I think it's one of the things I was born to do. I hope that something I write encourages you, to walk in your own unique purpose and calling, set free to love and give it away, starting wherever you are today. That's what Courting the Extraordinary is all about. Finding the good all around you, and giving it away. Finding, too, the God of all goodness who wants to walk with you.
I love quiet mornings, coffee, prayer and “work” before sunrise. Quality time with my family is my jam. I can be found grinning ear to ear when we're out on an adventure. Whether that's in our own backyard or exploring someplace new all-together, I’ll for sure note something beautiful about nature aloud-and maybe repeatedly, ha!. Life is a beautiful, precious gift, and an adventurous path to travel! We might as well learn how to love.
Hey, I'm Courtney, a pretty ordinary girl who thinks we've all been called to an extraordinary life and love story with God. I'm passionate about family, faith, motherhood, and the adventure of every day. I write lots of words, mostly because I can’t help it- and I think it's one of the things I was born to do. I hope that something I write encourages you, to walk in your own unique purpose and calling, set free to love and give it away, starting wherever you are today. That's what Courting the Extraordinary is all about. Finding the good all around you, and giving it away. Finding, too, the God of all goodness who wants to walk with you.
I love quiet mornings, coffee, prayer and “work” before sunrise. Quality time with my family is my jam. I can be found grinning ear to ear when we're out on an adventure. Whether that's in our own backyard or exploring someplace new all-together, I’ll for sure note something beautiful about nature aloud-and maybe repeatedly, ha!. Life is a beautiful, precious gift, and an adventurous path to travel! We might as well learn how to love. 