I’m Not Really The Cool Mom (or, what to do if you’re not sure you belong)

by admin | Jan 26, 2020 | Purpose

Have you ever started something new, with great excitement and a deep sense of purpose, only to arrive on the scene and suddenly feel like changing your mind? Even though you felt so determined upon arriving, once you had a chance to look around you started to seriously question the whole idea. Well, I bet the better question isn’t have you, because who hasn’t ever felt like that. The real question is, what should you do when you’re not sure you belong.

Starting new in this world of blogging, I kind of didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I didn’t follow any blogs on the regular. I was only sort of was on Instagram over the years, a slight dabble here and there. (Early on I discovered an interesting hack that the app would let me take pictures, somehow miraculously save them when my camera roll was otherwise full, and still keep them private.) I only stumbled upon these things from time to time, clicking links, getting recipes, finding the occasional article. So I didn’t know how impressive and expansive this ecosystem of bloggers and influencers really was. That’s probably a good thing. Because if I had, I’m not sure I would ever have even showed up.

When I really started connecting, it was eye opening, to say the least. I hadn’t comprehended the magnitude of pretty darn perfect, the amount of “fancy” and “fantastic” that I’d find there. Sometimes I see the perfectly styled photos and the lives documented so beautifully, and I wonder…

What am I even doing here?

Now, to be clear, I love my life, I think it’s so beautiful. But in the world of professional photos, gorgeously styled people, houses, and lives so it seems, it feels funny to put myself out there sometimes. I know the beauty in my own life, but sometimes it seems lost a little in translation when I take the pictures or go to share.

It feels vaguely familiar.

It’s like I’m the 13 or so year old girl who walks into a party, feeling so good about herself, her outfit, her potential to make friends and have an awesome time. She arrives in excitement, only to push though the door and find that everyone’s better dressed, better looking and clearly have it more together than her. She feels, well, amateur in comparison.

She looks down at her second-hand formal dress dress and realizes how outdated and immature it really is. The lighting in her room made that her feel so good anout her makeup and about herself clearly isn’t the same as the lighting in this fancy space. Now her details don’t quite seem measure up.

Have you ever felt that way?? Maybe you’re in a new space or place and, even though you came with purpose and thought you could belong. But now that you’ve arrived you wonder if you really do belong.

I step through the door and see my faults, my shortcomings.

She turns to go, feeling less than, and not a little inferior. But no. Something stops her in her just barely cool enough hand me down shoes. Her heart beats boldly in her chest, even if not unafraid. She has something to say. She has something to share. She was going to make friends, she was going to connect. She planned to laugh, she was maybe even going to cry. She knows that she has something to offer. She’s a great friend and she has good things in her heart, things worth giving and sharing.

I’m not the coolest mom, or the hippest girl in general. I don’t listen to all the newest music, I’m not wearing the trends until they’ve managed to trickle downstream a bit to my line of vision. I don’t do my hair most days (so many ladies seem to, every day, and even make their messy buns look amazing!). I’m fit-ish, and proud of some of my accomplishments, but I have too many flaws and bumps to mention, both seen and unseen.

It’s not just the cool things, though. It’s all the areas where I don’t see myself quite measuring up.

I’m not as good of a mom as I aspire to be every day, I’m not patient as I always want to be. Im not as consistently amazing as I’d love to be with every meal from my kitchen or as perfect as I’d like to be with the laundry room, or most any room, really. I don’t always follow through the way I would like to, and too often I’m running a few minutes late.

My house isn’t a decorator’s show piece. (Though we recently did go through a kitchen remodel, coincidentally right around the time I was trying to get this blog off the ground. I love our new space and loved the process, and will happily share about that with anyone who wants to listen.) We aren’t crazy DIYers over here with a list of upcoming projects. My husand won’t be taking pictures of me for Instagram, and I won’t be sharing pictures of my kids. I already got married and styled my baby bumps (both of which seem to be some of the hottest trends.)

I know you probably started making a mental list of your flaws while I did there, too. We all have them. We all have things that might ‘disqualify’ us or keep us stuck if we let them.

All these things can cause us to pause. To think about turning and walking back out the door, the girl in her dress again.

“Do I even belong?”

But yet, the truth is, these flaws do not diminish you or me, they do not make us unworthy in any way, or incapable of going after, or experiencing something new.

We are not called to something new- a relationship, a job, a career, a dream- because we are perfect. We are called because we ARE. We are, already, enough for what lies inside of the door we are walking through. And not only that, you are enough to share. You will grow and evolve and continue to develop. But you are already enough, at the start.

So this is a reminder for you (and for me.)

-If you are in, ever have been in, or are thinking about being in new situation…. If find yourself trying to figure things out, to see if you measure up… if, based on new-to-you metrics you question whether you have any value to add….if you find that others are already doing it, and doing it so well…if you wonder if you’re good enough…

Let me say…sis, you belong. You have value to add. You are enough. No matter what your eyes might see, no matter what your judge mental self might try to tell you otherwise.

Where your heart wants to go, you belong. Even if it’s doesn’t feel or look to you like you do. You belong where you’re headed. That’s why you want to go there in the first place. Your heart told you to go. (So listen to it, and stop listening to your mind that will tell you all the reasons why not.) Because you have something unique and special and lovely to share with your corner of the world, and maybe even beyond. You don’t need to be perfect to start, or picture perfect to continue. You just have to be you.

When you do something or start something new and feel a little like a fish out of water, it’s so important to connect with why you started. (Especially when things look different than you imagined or you feel differently than you imagined.). You shouldn’t spend all of your time trying to learn the ecosystem (aka, to fit in. Because you weren’t meant to.) If you do, you might forget why you came in the first place. You have to remind yourself of what it is you came for, what you have in your heart to add to the experience, and what is most valuable to you, both to extract from and add to the experience.

(Remember, you are enough, darling!)

Even if she isn’t as cool or as beautiful or as advanced as the other girls. She knows deep in her heart (thanks to her mom and her camp counselor and her prayers echoed back from God, all which all told her) that she belongs anywhere she wants to. And tonight, she can belong here. Not to fit in, not to prove anything . But because she has something to offer in this little corner of the world. And that it’s one of the most truly beautiful things in the world, connection and heart.

I didn’t come to be a fashion blogger or a style maven (obviously!) I didn’t come to share every detail of my life. (I have learned a few good things along the way, though, and I am the girlfriend that will tell you about the new camisole that she loves, that great kitchen tool, her favorite shoes or cheap glasses. I’ll share a favorite book or a recipe that I love.). But I’m so extremely ordinary. Maybe that’s the exact value that I have to share. I came to this space because I want to share heart talk, to write words that encourage, because I care deeply. Because we all need reminders to go after the best things in life, and because the best things in life have more to do with being your best and not having the best. I’m like a cheerleader on the sidelines, the girl who can’t help but see your struggles and say “you’re OK! You’re doing great! You’re more than enough!“

I’m here to share myself even when it’s not Insta-lovely. (So I should probably stop worrying about not being insta-lovely enough.)

I’m not trying to be anyone but myself, and I’m pretty darn happily me, most of the time, especially when I’m not scrolling Instagram (ha! That’s the edge of the sword right there.)

I’m here because you are too. I’m here because I know that life doesn’t happen in a bubble, and nothing that we experience should be wasted, forgotten or under appreciated. We’re here, together. It’s what matters most, these human connections.

“Joy shared is doubled, and pains are cut in half.

I want to remind you that you’re not alone, in so many ways. In your feelings of self-doubt, and not thinking you measure up to the people you see around you. I want to remind you today that you are enough. Enough of whatever it is you think you actually are lacking. Good enough to walk through that door, and good enough to show up. What is lovely and amazing is already inside of you.

But also, darling, you’re more than enough. Enough is full to the brim, within its own limits. You are more than enough. You are abundant, and overflowing. The things you’ve learned and experienced, give them away. They were never meant to be yours alone. In love and in community we are meant to share.

Even if we’re not all “the cool moms”, or styled enough or hip enough, or patient enough, or organized enough, we are all enough. I hope that we can all show up for our lives, our dreams, our people, and ourselves, by remembering this Truth.

Now, reminiscent of that 13 year old girl, **Hikes up her “good enough” dress, pushes through the door, glancing back over her shoulder at you..***

I’m going to this party and I’m going to have a great time. I’m going to laugh and kick up my heels and tell stories and joke and maybe even cry a little. Because it’s our party and it’s our lives and we’re supposed to enjoy it.

Care to join me?!!!

(Also, it should be noted, my adult me will meet you in there. We can drink wine and dance while the kids are asleep. Or we can go to bed early. I’m totally down with that too.)

Just Remember, Friend, You’re In Control

by admin | Jan 21, 2020 | Purpose

Is something happening that feels out of your control? Does some situation at work or home have you feeling defeated, discouraged, or down? First of all, I’m sorry. So sorry, whatever it is. But I’m here to remind you of something really important.

No matter what it is, you are ultimaty in control of what happens next.

It may feel like your boss, your spouse, your circumstances, or any other outside factors are.   It feels like these things are so beyond your control or not anything that you’d choose.   That is often true… to a degree.  

But the reality is, that degree is much smaller than we think. 

Because what happens now is totally up to you. Circumstances may be calling some shots, but the next play is ALL YOU.   No one gets to tell you what your future will look like but you.

You’ve still got that pen in your hand, friend, waiting to scrawl out the next lines. What will they say?

She quit? He believed he wasn’t good enough? She stayed that way? He got stuck?

Or maybe..

‘She tried again.’ ‘He knocked on a different door.’ ‘He didn’t believe them when they said he wasn’t good enough.’ ‘She found a new path.’

We have a saying in our house that my daughter echoes back the most now: “If you say you can’t, you’re right.”

You won’t be able to do whatever it is if you tell yourself you can’t do. It will be true that you can’t, because you believe and tell yourself it is. But if you start telling yourself that you CAN and that you WILL, you will find a way.

Whether that’s learning how to buckle your seat belt (like my daughter) or learning to tackle that frustrating tech issue (me) or succeeding at a demanding project in a tough work environment (maybe you), you’ll be right.

So start telling yourself you can.

That is the first step. Allow yourself to believe in yourself. Remember that pen that is in your hand, or if you set down, pick it back up along with whatever other tools you need to get the job done. But start with that first one.

The next steps that will follow, along with your openness to what could come next, hing upon YOU believing and deciding that you are in control.  Then you can make the necessary moves to get where you want to be.

 (I know, but what about God? Isn’t He in control you might be asking. I think we who believe have used that phrase to defer action all too often. It has caused us to wait, to cease doing our part, and to forget that we actually should be using the tools that he has already given us. Yes, “God is in control”. But he put you on this earth and he put tools in your hand to do the best possible job, not so you could sit and wait, amass tools in inaction. He didn’t give you purpose to sit on it or get buried underneath life’s junk. He meant for you to do something with your tools and talents. Do the things, use the things! Stand up into your destiny, dear. Stop waiting.)

YOU need to believe and understand that you have a unique set of circumstances and skills and talents and opportunity that you bring to the table.  To the table in front of you, or to any table at all.

You can bring that greatness with you where you choose.  But it’s so important to start where you are. If you stay where you are, great. If you bring your talents somewhere else eventually, also great. Don’t wait to start being great, though. Be great right now. 

Remember you’re still writing the story. Make it a good one.

 You don’t permission to excel. You don’t need to talk to your boss or your spouse to ask to start using your talents better. You need to start now, whatever the circumstances are, with the knowledge and the belief that YOU CAN do amazing things. And then do them. Start loving more effectively, listening better, showing more excitement, engaging more fully, today, as things are. Bring yourself, and talents to the table more fully.  Don’t wait to use your tools, your personality, your talents, your perspective, your excitement. Use them right away, with fervor.

Grab your pen to write the best script now. You call the next shot.  You always do. Whether you have chosen to or not.

So today you HAVE to know…

You are extremely capable and talented. 

You can and will succeed in whatever you decide to do, even if it’s something new or scary.

This does not hinge upon anyone’s opinion of you.  

The feedback you’ve received in your life about situations or roles or performances are just that.  Feedback.  THEY DO NOT DIMINISH YOU. 

The biggest thing that the ol’ devil would want you to do is to feel bad about yourself, to see your failures, to feel disappointed in yourself, to see your shortcomings in blazing technicolor.  AND TO STAY THERE.  

The worst thing that actually can happen with any seen setback or failure is that we stop.  That we stop believing in what we’re capable of.  That we pull in to ourselves, that we allow ourselves to feel bad, to feel less than.  That we shrink back and let the criticism diminish us or worse, finish us. 

Those rocks won’t drown you if you don’t let them. Get out from under them. They are just stepping stones.  

Whatever has happened in your life does not downgrade you or your opportunities.  It opens you up, to more life, to other and new OPPORTUNITIES. It’s freedom, it’s not failure.   

“Fly, fools!”

THERE IS GREATNESS IN YOU, RIGHT NOW, THAT YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN AND THAT YOU NEED TO OWN.  

Because the reality is, what we ARE capable of a WHOLE HECK OF A LOT MORE than we often give ourselves credit for on a random Tuesday.  

You are extremely talented.  

You have immense value to give. 

Stand up and believe that. 

Choose to see that. 

Choose to LIVE that.  

You call the next shots. 

YOU get to decide what happens next.  

Make it great.  

AND IT WILL BE! 

Because you, my friend, have greatness to share with the world 👊🏻

Stop waiting for it to be recognized. You recognize it. You start believing the greatness, again or for the first time. Call it out of the depths of yourself.

Believe in the beautiful incredible that’s inside of you. Step into it.

Come out from under the rocks that have been piled upon you. Step out from underneath them and stand on top of those things instead. Own them. Use them.

Your next level is waiting. Show up.

Xoxox

Excited To Be At The Barre (Barre Blend, that is)

by admin | Jan 6, 2020 | Purpose

I started something new this week, which sounds so clique the first week of January, and is not my usual thing to do. Except this time, it is! I started a 60 day Barre Blend workout program today. While today was only day one, I did the sample workout a few times already too, and before I even finished the sample workout, I knew it was right for me. I’m kind of in love! Let me tell you why I think it’s kind of amazing.

It’s good to try something new! Barre has been on my radar for a while, but I had yet to try a workout. I always default to my same favorite workouts (anyone else do that?) For me it’s yoga and running. But if you always do the same thing, you always get the same results. Something different is good. While I’m a cardio girl junkie and running is my go-to, my therapy, and my best “me” time, I committed to doing something different this year. After my fall marathon, I decided to work on getting really fit and strong.

So when high school friend reached out to me with a sample Barre Blend workout, I was excited to try it. This was a perfect opportunity without having to commit to classes or even leave my house.

Because I really like working out at home.

After having kids, I never wanted to leave the house and go to the gym or bring them along to the gym and drop them at the daycare. I thought I would, and even switched to a closer gym after having my daughter. But I never wanted to go. This totally surprised me, because going to the gym was such a part of my life for a lot of years before having kids (about 13!).

But yet it really shouldn’t have surprised me, for other reasons. I really love quality time. Traveling to and from takes extra time, and I don’t need any more reasons to run around from here to there. I’m very self motivated for workouts, and once I made the switch in my schedule and babes were on a good sleeping pattern, I have had no problem getting up early to workout before the kids wake up. Plus, I’m a total germa-phoebe, so, there’s that stacked against the gym scene. At home workouts for the win! For now, at least, I very happily do it all at home.

However, I could a little structure. This workout is a part of a Beachbody program that rolls out early January for an extra cost, or for all members in June. Now I am a BeachBody on Demand member, and even though I don’t use it regularly, I enjoy having the options. I actually joined after having my second child, and I found the accessibility for working out in so many ways whenever I wanted (with a pause button!) so incredibly helpful during a transition time for my health and family. I still find it helpful to have the options and I will occasionally add in a beachbody workouts, especially if traveling and definitely more often in the winter months. But I’ve never gone through a whole series

It’s a simple set up and straight forward execution. You need a mat (or not). You need weights between 1-5 pounds (or not). You need a chair or counter to act as your Barre, and you need a streaming device. It’s SO not complicated. The workouts all seem to be between 30-40 minutes, which is a really achievable amount of time to tackle.

It is a great mix of strength, cardio, and grace. Since I haven’t make strength as much of a priority as I want to, this Barre Blend program provides the great opportunity for me to do so. It’s got enough movement and cardio to keep me interested, both grace and expression with ballet-type moves, some hints of yoga, and resistance training. It uses body weight, lighter weights, range of motion, repeated reps on targeted areas, and you can definitely feel the burn. I know that it will help develop more of the lean muscle that I crave. I consider myself pretty strong (I can still carry both kids at the same time, one in each arm, and even squat their total weight of 70 pounds or so, which I love in so many ways.) However, I really want to improve full body toning and take it to the next level. Plus, the serious core work is so very much welcomed after recovering from serious diastasis recti with my second child.

It is interesting and fun. I really enjoy the instructor, Elise (and who wouldn’t want the kind of lean muscles she’s got!?) I enjoy her energy and positive spirit. She also adds a nice sprinkle of powerful positive self-talk with a serious growth mindset. So I’m a big fan of that mind work, which is so deeply connected to the body work.

I’ll keep you posted how it goes. (I’m feeling the burn already!). I’m still running several times a week, at least walking every day, and I’m pretty sure I’ll use plenty of yoga to rest and reset those tired muscles.

Have you tried Barre or Barre Blend? Are you starting another fitness journey that I can cheer you on in? Let me know in the comments!! I’d love to give you a virtual high five. Xox

PS. If you’re interested in trying it, feel free to connect with my Beachbody friend Brooke Henderson with this link https://form.jotform.com/brookelhenderson/request-barre-sample-workout Or you can reach out to anyone you might know that’s a Beachbody coach. It’s a great chance to try something new, and fantastic!

Happy “You Nears”

by admin | Jan 1, 2020 | Purpose

Happy New Year! Happy You Nears! No, that’s not a typo. It’s my new mantra!

My daughter accidentally said “Happy YOU NEARS!” to me yesterday afternoon on NYE. It was a rare mix up for such a vocabulary-rich five year old, and it was too cute to correct. (It was familiar, along the lines of her mistakenly saying “You Nork City” when she was three and a half and we took at trip to the Big Apple.) I actually think that her slip up was kind of poignant and it really struck me as I was just that day, the last day of the year, processing the change of the calendar. Let me tell you why.

Because the best dream destination you could set for yourself is not even a destination as much as it is a journey to becoming your best self possible.

Let me explain by starting at the beginning. Or actually, the ending of the year. (Same, same. All beginnings are endings, all endings have a new beginning.). I was starting my last day of the year the way I like to start every day, new decade not withholding. I went for a run after an unusual late sleep in, and was now thoroughly turning my attention toward to New Year.

*See, this seems to be how I roll, in life in general and heading in to a new year. I’m sucking the marrow out of the present and don’t rush ahead to the next. I’ll be at the beach or the pool the last day it’s open for the season, I try to sneak in one last snowman building session with the kids as the snow melts, I squeeze in one more minute at the playground than we should, one more hug at bedtime.

Same goes for Christmas. The week between Christmas and New Years I’m always still neck deep in celebrating with out of town family, and even if I wasn’t I think I’d be searching for Christmas lights and magic, eking every bit of magic out of the season. This year was no exception. We said our many family goodbyes and settled back into regularly scheduled programming at home at just about the same time for pulling out a fresh notebook, putting goals down on the page and champagne on ice.

It just seems especially crazy to me how New Years falls one week after the most beautiful, special (and emotionally loaded, draining and sometimes demanding) holiday of the year. Maybe you’re like me, or maybe you start looking ahead long before. But I often feel like I don’t have much time for looking back. The train barely slows down before screeching into the station for next year’s boarding.

I wanted to end the year the way I wanted to start tomorrow, and that seemed even more important. So this was my chance, that last day, as I’m about to start the next thing, that I can most fully can look ahead.

I felt on my run maybe like some of us do in the new year. Not sure what it would hold, but knowing I had to get something good going. The new year is, with all of the intentions and resolutions, hopes, goals and dreams, a bold reminder that we can steer the ship of our lives where we want them to go. I had to get a good “first-footing”, run a few miles, shake off the dust and get going. I was thinking I’d probably push myself to my general minimum of three.

I wasn’t sure how it might shake out, but forward progress is forward progress. Even if it’s slow, or messy or uninspiring. It’s better than sitting on the couch.

So I started the day, the month, the year, the DECADE the way I hope to tackle each day that is gifted after this one.

By showing up.

I showed up for my run. For myself. As I intend to show up for my family, and for our dreams.

There will be times that it feels easy and energized. There will be times that it feels muddied and difficult, a slog. You don’t get to decide that part. You just get to decide if you show up. Sometimes it’s a run, sometimes a walk. Sometimes a crawl. Each day that you show up means progress and more possibility.

I wasn’t sure how much I had to give on that morning run, and I wasn’t too concerned about it either way. I just knew that I had to move, that something was better than nothing, and I came to give it what I had to give.

As my mom would say, “I’ll be dipped!” I tricked myself into giving more than I intended.

Three miles would have been fine and great and a blessing (as moving your body always is). But then I tricked myself into DOUBLING it. The three miles became four, which then became five, and then why not a nice rounded out six. I mean, why not spend a full hour of work on myself, for myself, for today, for my future.

It was possible just because I showed up. Which is exactly what I intended to do with this year. Keep showing up. For myself, for my family, for my dreams and our goals.

During the Christmas week, I was feeling low on energy, low on excitement. But I kept doing my best to show up. It lead us to a long awaited first ice skating experience for my daughter. I didn’t have the emotion that would normally seem appropriate for me in that situation, but I tried my best to show up. As my daughter’s ice skating dreams were finally realized on that outdoor rink, I asked her how it felt. “Amazing!” she said with a beaming smile. And wouldn’t you know, I started to feel more excitement and warmth myself. Just because I showed up. Sometimes enthusiasm leads, sometimes it follows. It’s not always an easy follow, but it’s pretty much guaranteed not to follow if you don’t put yourself in the places to connect.

Whether you have goals or not, starting a new day or a new year can seem daunting. You might have big goals or you might not even be sure what goals to set. But let me encourage you, you don’t need to overthink it or psych yourself out. Just get out there and try to make some forward progress. Start by showing up every day for the day, for your life, the best that you can.

Now, I do have some definitive goals for the year, ones that I intend to go after, and, effort-ensuring and God-willing, accomplish. But some days can feel kind of foggy, even sometimes the start. Energies ebb and flow, there’s resistance and challenges. All I know is that in SHOWING UP, progress will happen. By showing up each day, both you and I will get somewhere.

The “where” is different for all of us.

But the universal destination that is available is to become a better version of ourselves. The goals are never about a destination as much as they are about a transformation. The most important transformations that occur are the ones that allow you to break free from your shackles (the past, present or perceived future ones) and become more clearly how you’re meant to be in life. More than anything else, the New Year is reminder, a chance, that this year you can become more completely your very best possible self.

Ed Mylett talks about getting to heaven some day and meeting the version of himself that he could become in the best case scenario. The baddest, bad ass version of himself. Heaven he says, would be getting there and looking an awful lot like the best “Ted” version of himself that he knows he’s capable of becoming. I understand this, on so many levels (in fact I’m married to a quite dashing Ted, so there’s also that!).

I’m not sure what the very best “you” looks like. It’s deeply personal. Maybe you’re strong as Sylvester or as accomplished as your favorite Nobel Peace prize winner. Maybe you’re a published author or an accredited yoga instructor. Maybe you are a calm and patient parent, one who is truly present when you’re with your kids.

Whatever it looks like, it is who you know deep in your heart that you’re capable of being. Even when you look in the mirror and don’t see that most amazing you, it’s the one you know can exist. It’s the one you feel deep in your heart and see in your wildest dreams.

You get a whole year of chances to move closer to your goals this year, and closer to your truest self. You can help close the gap this year between who you are now and who you’re truly meant to be. In the New Year, you can get closer to the very best “you”.

There will be many decision points and choices that you can make each day that help us succeed or slide through, crush or be crushed, live ordinary or extraordinary lives.

Just keep showing up. Even when it’s hard. Even when you’re not sure where you’re headed. (You’re headed to your best YOU!) Even when you’re not sure what you have to give.

The truth is, you always have more to give than you might think. That includes, and even ultimately means, love. Whatever your specific dream goals look like, the more love and kindness and generosity of spirit that you give, the better off you will be. Its one thousand percent true that that love will not only help get you to your goals, it will probably help you do it faster, and definitely in better style.

Love is the grease in the wheels, the filler of the cracks, and the gas in the car. If you can allow yourself to find more chances to love well and love purposefully, you can enrich your journey as well as the journey of every person that is alongside you.

Nothing done in love is ever wasted.

If you can keep showing up for your life and your goals and your family, and loving well even when it’s hard, you’ll surprise yourself. Even when you’re not sure what you have to give, or when your enthusiasm lags after a draining time- Christmas otherwise. Keep showing up.

If you do the best you can with each sunrise, you’ll get somewhere incredible this year. Whether it looks like your dreams or different, you will ultimately find YOURSELF better. The very best version of YOU, NEAR.

Cheers to the new year. The best you.

Xoxoxoxo.

Making room

by admin | Dec 23, 2019 | Purpose

It’s the weekend before Christmas and I found myself with my family, in our jammies, surrounded by piles of paper and glitter and glue, toys and games. But none of them were being used (except the ones my two year old kept getting into). We weren’t making any wonderful creations for giving at Christmas or wrapping presents. The glitter was spilled from the back of the drawer, the toys were old. We weren’t in some magical Christmas spirit. We were cleaning up the junk -the drawers, the closets, the craft things. It wasn’t pretty. But it was pretty important.

We moved a few pieces of furniture recently, which lead us to empty out some things. It wasn’t planned, but the opportunity presented itself, along with an unplanned Saturday, so we did it. Junk drawers and toy chests came first. Two bags- trash and giveaway- were carried from spot to spot.

Next came the beast of a job, the one that I almost put off. It was like Monica’s closet in Friends, except it’s an armoire, loaded with toys, crafts, games, everything. You know the kind. You maybe even have one, or something like it. You shudder at the thought of cleaning it out, or at least I did.

I danced around it a bit, hemming and hawing if I had what it took to do the job today. I then finally braved the thought of it. I poured more coffee, corralled the kids into the room with me and turned on the Christmas carols. I pulled the bags close for filling, and hoped I wouldn’t get too lost.

Going through that stuff can be exhausting. Overwhelming. You have to face so many different items and decisions and memories. Looking at bits of your life can be wonderful and interesting. It can also be so disorienting. I went through another desk recently and I swear it felt like I had a hangover afterwards. The time spent looking at pictures and memories from places and times so far removed from my current life that was still fluttering all around me and sometimes climbing on my back. It can feel so strange, beautiful, awkward, disenchanting and delightful to see. (Also, pictures before iPhone and editing was a whole different ball game. It felt much more beautiful than the colored glossy paper manages to display.). Whatever it is, here or there, it is definitely disorienting.

But tackling these collections, facing these stories and scraps can be so liberating. Knowing that what lies behind the doors and no longer letting it be out of control and in total disarray helps create a sense of greater peace internally. So we sometimes have to roll up our sleeves and dive in. To our lives as well as our closets. (But more on that part in a minute.)

Well I’m happy to report, I made it out in one piece. I filled two bags, more trash than donate. I made it through the purple glitter (and also narrowly narrowly missed disasters as I stopped my son from eating said glitter. With all the Christmas cookies, he thought it was sprinkles. Obviously.) I reorganized, I cleaned out. It wasn’t pretty, but it’s prettier now.

The organization spilled over into the craft corner of the playroom, and upstairs into my stationary desk, as organizational projects have a way of doing. We did things well enough to tie a bow on it and call it done, for now.

Honestly though, I felt a little guilty. I mean, it was a beautiful sunny, snowy Saturday before Christmas. We didn’t do anything Christmas-y. We didn’t go caroling or go see the lights or ice skate. You know, all the good stuff I dream of doing. (Remember, the planned vacation!?) We stayed in our jammies and didn’t go anywhere or brush our teeth (well, some of us did.) Instead we cleaned our cupboards. How magical.

As my daughter and I walked up the stairs, putting the last of the things away up that belonged up there, I broached the topic, thoughtfully. I felt guilty, but I also don’t ever want to build a culture in our home of fun being more important than work, or that being together doing anything boring or ordinary isn’t important or special. Because it is. Doing anything well and doing it together is what makes up a life. Always.

But yet. Christmas.

“Honey, I want to thank you for your help today. Thank you for being with me and being relaxed and calm and helpful.” Pause. Breath. “And I know we didn’t do anything too exciting or Christmasy today, but we did do some important things. We got so many things cleaned up and tidied up.” A little more upbeat with each sentence. “And we DO have family coming and Christmas IS in a few days. So this was really good. We did some important things. We made room for Christmas.”

‘Oh my,’ I thought to myself. That’s exactly what we did.

We made room. For Christmas. For celebrations, for family, for new things. We cleaned out some junk. Old stories, old habits, old crafts. We made room for Christmas.

When we could have been buying and seeking new things and filling our time, we were emptying and clearing. It has to be done eventually. Why not first? How can you welcome more of anything- people, experiences, life, love- unless you clear out some space? We all have a way of filling up the spaces that we inhabit. No matter how much we try to let go and clean out, things build up. Decluttering is an ongoing process.

Even in our hearts.

It’s not pretty. But it’s important.

We have to keep going back in, to keep making a little room. We have to reach in, get ready to face a few things, and be willing to let go of things we shouldn’t be holding on to. Resentment, or old glue, bad stories or broken things. We have to clear out the closets for new things, the guest room for people we love, our calendars for celebration.
We have to clean out our hearts for love and what’s possible.

This makes me think, of course, of the most beautiful Christmas story. Mary and Joseph were wandering around the streets of Bethlehem, “And there was no room for them in the inn.”

There was no room available for the couple, in a strange city, and they were wandering around in the dark of night looking for a place to sleep. A place to maybe even bring a new life into the world.

Have you ever had to do that?

I did once. Well, more than once I’ve been looking for a room, but one time it was so close to this story, it’s funny.

There was no baby coming, and I was just a single girl at the time, but I did wander around some street in Israel, looking for a room. It was Jerusalem, though, not Bethlehem. I was nineteen and one of the leaders of a trip with a group of young teenagers. We decided to spend the night in Jerusalem, impromptu. We figured we could find a hostel easily enough. And we could. But none of them had any room. We wandered the ancient cobbled streets, the very ones where Jesus walked, and I kind of laughed at the irony of it all. We were wandering around much like Mary and Joseph, looking for a place to lay our heads, as darkness fell, and we couldn’t find one. The good news is, we eventually did. But there was only one actual room. A room which the boys could share with other strangers. (Not animals, but still.) The girls and I found ourselves in a more private space. On the roof. On the roof, in the old, walled city of Jerusalem. We slept under the stars, with the dome of the rock a stones throw away. It was breathtaking and strange.

If it had been twenty years later, we would have tweeted about it or taken pictures or texted our families. “Sleeping under the stars! In Jerusalem!” But this was pre millennium. Barely a time of the internet, and certainly not any of the mobile kind. My disposable instant camera could never capture the whole picture with its tiny flash, and it was probably full anyway. (I wonder if any of those grainy pictures I saw a few weeks back were an attempt. I should look again with new eyes….but I digress.)

When we read the story of the first Christmas, we know that Mary and Joseph needed a room and they didn’t have one. But it can be easy to forget what that would, or does, feel like. If you’ve ever lost a hotel room or had travel that presented any hiccups, you can remember how this feels. It’s terrible to wonder where you may rest your head at night. It is also so disorientating. (Maybe even more disorientating than going through your old junk. )

This is basic survival.

Looking for a room is humbling.

However, making room is also humbling.

At Christmas we also hear the beautiful song, “Let every heart prepare him room.” It sounds beautiful and peaceful. Like pulling someone close for a warm hug.

Actually making room for someone else or something else can be disorientating and humbling and hard. You have to wade through some things in order to clear space. It can be gritty and messy and full of untethered glitter. It means tackling those places in our lives and our hearts that are filled with some measure of junk and maybe some treasure. It means getting dirty, cleaning out the closets, the rooms. Facing the places where we find broken things and unfinished projects, the things of the past.

Making room for new life and growing a new life in your body is humbling. There’s shifting and moving, your inside actually reorientation, and making room, and that’s just what you can’t see. There’s so much more that needs to happen and change for the new life to come. It is SO humbling. (All the moms in the room raise their hands in an amen.)

At Christmas it’s so easy to think it’s supposed to be beautiful and sparkly and special. No one wants to sit down in front of their messy closet or hearts and do the work of making room.

But where are we ever going to fit the new love and the new joy and the new hope unless we clear out some space.

It can be disorientating and messy. Humbling, yet freeing.

But isn’t it the most Christmasy thing of all, really? To get your hands dirty, to get into the mess, to do the work, to bring something new into the world out of love?

To be in the stable, to be one who makes room. To love and to stretch and to share. All of it. All of it is Christmas.

That’s what the story about the baby boy is all about. A simple stable was opened for him. Room was made, so he could make room for us. He could come into the stable and open up the gates of heaven for us.

Loving is a welcoming and a stretching process. But it is so worth it.

You must make room for new things.

We’ve all been on both sides of this making room thing. We’ve made room for new things, we’ve cleaned out space. We’ve shared our provisions. And we’ve also been taken in and welcomed. Room has been made for us. At least I hope it has. I know it was, at least once, in the stable.

I found a figurine yesterday while clearing out. It was a broken willow tree girl that was supposed to symbolize the hope of the Christmas spirit. I didn’t remember that at first. At first I just found a body with the head broken off. I tossed it in the trash. (Older me on a mission can make these decisions faster. Broken things can’t always be fixed, and it’s okay to love and then let go.)

However, when I got to the end of clearing out the last shelf, I found the angel’s head. I almost tossed that too. But then, by some miracle of hope blossoming in my heart, I figured I could put her back together. I fished her body out of the bag (gosh that sounds awful) and it was then that I saw that she was actually an angel. Or she used to be. Now she was just a regular girl.

She feels a bit like me. Maybe a little broken, but still able to provide value. Still able to give hope and to hope herself. Still believing. Just needing to be uncovered from underneath the pile of junk. That, and a little glue.

I guess that what I’m saying is that when you make room, it’s not easy. But you also might find a treasure worth salvaging. You might find yourself.

You might be looking to make a little room for others and you might uncover some of yourself that was buried and just needs a little glue.

You might not be looking to face it or deal with any of it, especially at Christmas, but you are not supposed to stay buried.

In even tiny moments, you can make space. When you’re face to face with a family member or a messy situation, and you find emotions, expectations, memories, or unfinished business there, you have a chance to make space. To take out some garbage, to let something go. You might make space.

You might find a piece of yourself, waiting, too.

When you make room for the Saviour, Love Incarnate, He always makes room for you too. He pushes aside the junk, slides away the extra, and He sees you, as He made you. Beautiful, lovely and whole, as He intended. Life builds up an awful lot of junk. But He still sees you.

I hope you make room this season – for love, for family, and for a Savior. And that you find He made room for you, too.

It can be a little messy sometimes.
But it is so good.

Merry Christmas. Xoxo

Dealing With Disappointment, Even At Christmas

by admin | Dec 19, 2019 | Purpose

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Or is it?!?

Christmas is full of possibility and full of excitement, but sometimes things don’t go as planned. Life can always throw you curve balls, even when your calendar says it should be throwing you a party. (Should curve bells be called curve BELLS at Christmas?! I vote yes!)

Something falls through. Something doesn’t work out. The plans are cancelled, the job post filled, the promotion passed you by, the store needs to close, or you experience some loss or disappointment of a different kind. A door of possibility closes with a hard slam or a soft close, and however it happens, the final click of the lock catching is loud enough to take your breath away.

Dealing with disappointments this time of year can be especially tricky, because the season is wrapped up in so much sparkling possibility. What can you do when things don’t go as planned, or when you find yourself unwrapping a “present” that you be never expected?

Whatever loss or change has brought you disappointment, you’re the one who has to pick up where it left off and manage your way through the mess left behind. You’re the one who has to find a new way. It’s difficult. But it’s not impossible.

There are a few steps that work at any time you face these circumstances. Yes, even at Christmas. These can help you move forward with relative grace, whatever the disappointment, without asking you to pay too high a price (by either denying your real emotions or turning into a puddle of them).

I know because I’ve had some practice, at Christmas, too. This is not to throw myself a pity party or dive deep into my stories. This is just to give some context, some framework to tell you that I understand.

I’ve been there. I’m there. We can do this.

A few years ago, there was a big loss that came in December. I found myself in the doctors office, looking at an empty ultrasound to confirm my miscarriage. Where weeks before there had been a beautiful baby with bouncing arms, legs, and a heartbeat, now there was nothing. The baby was gone. I tried to stifle the cries, and even though I was prepared for the confirmation of what had happened, the visual was too much to bear without tears. I stepped into the bathroom and heard that favorite Christmas song piped in through the speakers. “It’s the most wonderful time of the year..” I sobbed. The words fell in irony on the cold tiled floor. It was wrecking, as you either know, or can imagine.

Christmas is not always wonderful.

This year I faced a much different disappointment, a very different sort, but sad none the less. We had to cancel a vacation. We planned a very special Christmas week long vacation and it sounded magical. But we had to change plans for valid reasons, and it’s okay, but it was a true disappointment. This momma had big holiday plans for the week with her precious family. I had to face a gaping hole of disappointment that was left behind. The same steps helped, even if the path was very different.

I know that some will question these two losses even being on the same page. But the truth is, no one can tell you how important or meaningful any loss is. It’s deeply personal for you. No two losses are the same, and they neither need to be compared, measured or qualified, one against one another. It doesn’t matter if it’s a big loss on paper or a seemingly small one, what matters is how it makes you feel.

The same goes for whatever you are holding in your heart. All loss and disappointment comes in like a bomb, unexpected, and destroys either what was or what was “supposed to be”. It leaves behind a gaping hole. In your heart, your womb, your calendar, your life.

Which brings me to the first step:

Just feel it.

Allow yourself to see the loss for what it is and for what it means to you. You need space to feel the emotions, to give them their fair turn. Find the physical space or a moment in time when you can cry or get angry, or both. Say the things you need to say, even if it’s to no one but yourself.

You don’t need to keep a stiff upper lip right now. Don’t edit yourself and don’t bottle it up. You don’t need to talk away the emotions right now, don’t downgrade their importance. Just feel them.

Even if they’re not as logical as you understand and know to be true on a cognitive level, emotions are valid. When we give them the time to be noticed and experienced, it’s then that they can be released. If you bottle it up and keep it to yourself, you’re doing just that. You’re keeping the negative emotions.

Let. Them. Go.

Allowing yourself those moments to feel the loss and acknowledge your feelings are crucial. You don’t need to stuff them down or pretend it’s alright. It may be, and it probably will be, but right now it’s not, and that is okay. In order to get past the emotions, to not let them bubble underneath the surface or risk taking over completely, you have to feel them. It’s the act of feeling them that actually allows you to then let them go.

When you acknowledge the elephant in the room, you cease to give it full control. When you have seen, felt, and acknowledged the gaping hole in the middle of the room in your heart, you’re ready for the next step.

Just Breathe. For a minute. Or an hour. Or a week. Close your eyes and feel what it’s like to have some of the weigh of the emotion released, even just a little. Rest for a minute. Don’t rush ahead.

Then, when you’re really ready, there’s one more step, for now. (And all can be repeated as often as necessary.)

Ask yourself “what else”. What can you do now? Maybe in spite of the loss or even because of it. What’s salvageable, what’s good about where you find yourself unexpectedly, what other possibilities exist? They may look vastly different or even not measure up when compared to the hole. But they’re something. Start there.

There are, for sure, other things to be grateful for in spite of what’s missing. These things don’t have to be big, healing bandages. They can be small bits of healing cloth on the wound. They don’t need to fix things. (Some things can never be fixed.) They just need to give you a hope for the future. They can help you think around, help you manage to tenderly tiptoe your way past the hole.

Acknowledging any scrap of blessing does not diminish the truth of your loss. It allows you to grow life and hopefully joy in-spite of the void. Maybe even in the very same space. But not by sitting and staring at the space. By acknowledging it, like in step one. By breathing in new space, in step two. And then by looking around you, taking inventory, and taking new action in step three.

The voids can be filled. It’s best when not directly though, and not right away. But by turning to look at and love what’s left around you, that’s when love can find a way in to those voids.

There was such a poignant display of this for me in a new movie on Netflix called Klaus. Klaus was an artist, a carver, a toy maker. He experienced a loss that left a hole in life, and it was visible in his craft. He had made a wooden display with spots to display tiny figurines that represented the people in his family. There were two hollowed out spots at the top for himself and his wife, and many openings below for the children that would fill their lives. However, the children never came, and then he sadly lost his wife. The spaces remained just that. Empty spaces. Voids of loss and disappointment. He covered up the carving and hid it away.

Until later, much later, life came along, as it often does, in unexpected ways, in unexpected friendship. The wooden display piece was uncovered, and the voids started filling in unexpected ways. Eventually, he found that his life, and his art piece, were both full. It was different than he imagined it would be, but love had come in and filled the voids. When he faced the hollowed out places, opened himself up to life, and turned outward to engaged with what was around him, that’s when the magic happened.

You know what’s the truth, if I had held it too tightly or spent all of my time staring at either of the voids in my life, I wouldn’t have ever seen them filled.

Not even eight months later after own my loss, I discovered that I was pregnant again. Pregnant with a baby boy that wouldn’t have happened without the loss, and that also wouldn’t have happened had I not loved, as best I could, the life left around me. I looked at the crater of my loss, I felt it. I acknowledged it, again and again. But I didn’t just sit and stare. I tried to let it go a little more each time, and then look around me. Make my lists. Love what was left, my husband, my child. Each time I bumped into the empty part, I validated the loss with feeling it, acknowledging it. Yet the trick is to not hold it so tightly to your chest that it becomes your whole identity. It was merely a part. A valid, missing part.

This week I managed my way past the vacation void, also. (I know, sounds trivial by comparison, but remember, no comparison is needed. By you or by anyone else.) I walked myself, and my daughter through the steps. We felt. We breathed. Then we made our lists. Her steps were quick and fierce (bitter tears can do that sometimes, I guess, especially if you’re five.)

I had choices to make as mom. I decided I didn’t want to spend my week looking at the space of what was supposed to be. I looked around me, at my family, at our time, at Christmas, and I decided to do what we intended, just in a different way. We’ve played a little hooky, we spent extra time together, adventured, listened to Christmas music, visited Santa at the mall, decorated our tree, stared at the lights. There was plenty of life to live and plenty of love that filled up the space. It was all there for the taking, just differently.

I guess that’s the pain and the twist about loss at Christmas. There’s still so much joy and beauty around everywhere you look. If only you can manage to look around and behold it. That’s the tricky part of it there. Does your disappointment cause you to turn in only, or eventually to look around and see what remains. That part is up to you.

I don’t know if you’re facing something that looks big on paper, or one that only feels big to you. I do know that when the door is closed, it can be so hard to turn back around, to turn your back to where you thought you were going, and to head in another direction. But I also know that it’s not impossible. You can move around it, and move ahead. These steps work on most every level, they just need to be applied with varying tenacity and repetition. Some things resolve and heal more slowly, some more quicker. It all eventually comes down to choices, though, and only you can choose to embrace what’s left.

Life needs love and trust and time to fill in the empty parts. It just takes bravery and patience (sometimes a lot, and mostly with yourself.)

If you’ve been dealing with something, I pray great grace to you. Whatever has left a gaping hole in your the room of your heart, or whatever doors have been closed, this year or this Christmas, I pray that you can find a way past it, around it, through it. There are many books written on grief, and its such a layered process. If your loss feels really big, and you need more, please, go read one. Talk to someone. This is just a start, a quick guide.

I hope that these simple steps help you. Keep them in your toolbox, practice them. Because in life, there’s always a next time. Life keeps giving us opportunities to adjust and realign. Nothing ever alllll works out just the way that we hope for. But it also opens us up to other possibilities that we didn’t know about, too. That’s the beauty of it all, looking back, of course.

I hope that whatever disappointment has settled on your shoulders, that you can find a way to release it and move around it, one step at a time. I pray that when you get a chance to look back, that you see that the gaping hole has been filled with so much love and beauty that you feel doubly complete. Full of what you had and what you now have.

Life will have disappointments, but only you get to decide if those disappointments become bigger than the life that’s still in front of you. Pour some love on the rest of your life. Watch all of it grow.

With so much honesty and so much hope for all of us, this Christmas and always,

Coco. Xo