Happy Mother’s Day, To Those Nobody Calls Mom

by admin | May 9, 2020 | Purpose, Mom life

Mother’s Day is here! It’s flowers and elephants everywhere. Elephants, you wonder? Yes, there’s an elephant in the room, and I want to talk about it. There are so many beautiful, amazing women that feel pain, longing or discomfort on Mother’s Day. Because motherhood is a deep, indisputable part of woman’s soul, whether a woman ever has any children or not, I want to talk about that beautiful, important elephant. To honor women everywhere, who are Mothers in many different ways. Happy Mother’s Day, to those nobody calls mom.

There are women who do not bear the official title of mom, yet for so many, a part of her soul feels connected to the heart of motherhood. Like a pulse underneath her skin that cannot be denied, but merely has trouble being defined.

Mom, not mom. Foster mom, surrogate mom, miscarriage mom, waiting mom. Some of us struggle with the definitions. Though you understand and maybe know in theory that your worth cannot be defined by one title alone, without people call to call you a certain name, there’s a vagueness that feels uncomfortable. We struggle to properly realize or define the feelings in our heart.

Though I am a mom now, I felt that for a long time myself. Before anyone ever called me “mom”, I struggled to define my feelings, and often celebrated Mother’s Day sorting through them. For nine years I was married, mothering as part of my vocation, and unsure if I would ever have (or need) children of my own. I was a mothering non-mom. I know there are so many of us. I see you, too. I honor that struggle. With a varying sense of wonder and appreciation for beauty, understanding your own innate value, and acknowledging some level of pain accepting your own story and honoring the gaps. I know deep in your heart and have trouble justifying some of what this day of cards and flowers means for you.

It’s funny that I mentioned the elephant in the room. I merely meant to use it as a saying, the thing unmentioned that should be mentioned. But the more I thought about it, the more the elephant visual speaks. Elephants are faithful, elephants have long memories. Women elephants care for the young that are all around them, even those that are not their own. Elephant aunts are an incredibly important part of elephant society. Elephants are innately mothering and caring for one another. I believe women are too. And it’s not just always about children.

I believe that there are not enough categories to define the ways that a woman brings life to the world. To people, to places, to love. A woman’s heart is made to bear, to hold close, and to bring life to things, in a myriad of ways. Maybe it’s an idea, a creative work, a business. Sometimes it’s a human being, but that is not the only chance in life to mother. There are chances all along the way. Many of us practice as little girls, caring for our stuffed animals and dolls, dogs and siblings. Becoming a mom is not the final culmination of that innate dream. It is merely one of them.

Am I not a mother, or less of a woman if nobody calls me “mom”?

No, no you are not. You are not, you are not.

Whether or not you want to ever go on to bear children, you have probably have found something or someone in life right now that you love well. It is a part of womanhood that cannot be limited or defined by one expression. There are Caretakers, nannies, helpers, wives, who care with the spirit of a mother, for hours and hours at a time, for their whole lives. Women whose hearts hold as much love as it can contain for another soul. There are gardeners, animal lovers, nature preservers. Your love has made a difference to something. Any act of love becomes multiplied by sharing. In caring for what you have cared for, you have connected with the spirit of creation and of motherhood.

You pour the all-encompassing, life giving love of a mother onto your families, your sisters, your parents. Your gardens, your home, your books, your pets. You give space and attention, the devotion of motherhood, to the things around you, and you make them the most valuable.

It matters. And the whole earth thanks you, for sharing the beauty that is in you, the power to bring life. You are a mother, simply because you are a woman. Women cannot help but create, bring life to something out of love.

Yes, we should throw flowers at mother’s whose sleep is disrupted and thoughts interrupted daily on repeat. But we should not deny the spirit of a mother that is in all of us. It should be celebrated, acknowledged, and honored every day, and Mother’s Day is no exception.

Sometimes the things that she loves have no words to describe, or yet, no voice, to utter thanks. Today, I will try to be that voice.

Happy Mother’s Day to those who are not called “Mom”.

From the places you made more beautiful or safe, an otherwise neglected corner of the world, hear the “thank you” whispered in the breeze.

From the pets that you care for so deeply and love so well, hear the ‘thank you mom’ come from their contented sigh.

From the womb that held, even for a little while, a life, hear it. “Thank you, mom. You gave space for my heart to beat.”

From the children you cared for in a season, who can’t find the way for the words to reach you. Hear this, “thank you. Your love helped save my life.”

When you look at your garden, or what you created in your kitchen or with your hands, I hope you see it smile back, “Thank you for making me beautiful.”

From the business you are building, pouring in sweat and tears. The people it will bless, the legacy it will leave. Hear “thank you for new opportunity.”

May you feel the love you have given return to you, in thanks. 
A hug, an embrace for your care.  
A bow, a whisper, in gratitude, 
for all of the love you have given 
the life you have brought forth.

From heaven itself, 
from a Father who sees 
what one else does, “It’s Me that you please.”

We are no less of a woman because of loss or difference, lack or what seems like a void at first glance. We all are Mothers, in whatever way we are meant to be right now. We, too, honor you.

The “Good Enough” Years

by admin | Apr 9, 2020 | Mom life, Purpose

I’ve had a theory for a long time. One I like to call “The Good Enough Years”. I used it to refer to those early, intense years when your kids are very little and require so much hands on time as the Good Enough Years. You know those ones, where things seem messy and bulky and you are kind of waiting for a chance to catch up?

Except, the thing is, as soon as you might get the chance to catch up, it seems that more things come along that take your time and energy. Funny how that works. My thoughts about this have changed dramatically over the years. My neat little definition of “the good enough years” has expanded to fit the vast reality.

We are all in the “Good Enough Years”. It looks different for everyone, and it changes with the seasons, but we are all, indeed, there. Let me explain.

Because, the reality is, life happens. Interruptions happen, hiccups happen, and new things are constantly added. Life is always handing us challenges, causing us to change, to adapt, and redirect our energy. Some things more intensely getting our focus, while other things must fall into the “good enough” category.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Those early kid years really are intense. You work so hard keeping your children fed and alive and mostly clothed, and the house working well enough. Those things require a lot of time and care, and though you love it, some things may have to move to the back burner. Your perfectly dusted home, your nights out with girlfriends, a clear laundry room, your hair and wardrobe. (You know if you know. )

Some things aren’t a top priority at that time, because they just can’t be. You only have so much time, so many resources, and so much energy. You must pick and choose. And you hold on to hope for a brighter, cleaner, more put together day.

As your children transition to school, they begin to cycle between hours at home and hours away (also known as breathing room.) It becomes a time to catch up around the house a little, to organize deeper, to find space for improvement. You transition from a time of barely keeping up, to more time with strategic plans for growth.

Or so you think. And it might be in a lot of ways. But never quite as much as you imagine. Life, with this next stage, floods in again. There are sick days, school projects, and volunteering. There are home projects, things that need to be shopped for, pickups and drop offs, the mess left behind from the morning whirlwind. There is so much to do, still. After school becomes more intense too, and things need to shift to make time for the more “all hands on deck” approach that is needed. Which changes how the rest of your days and evening might look.

What you thought you might have more time for, you do, but not in the same way, and not ever as much as you thought. Good enough comes into play, again.

In high school, with all of the sports and activities, your good enough is take out food and minutes carved out together in the car. In the young years your good enough is bins that you can use to throw all the plastic bits, doing your best to keep them off the ground. The good enough years in grade school could be just keeping up with laundry and lunches. When your kids are to college your good enough might be organizing your storage area and FaceTime.

The good enough years are when you clean the baseboards on schedule because your kids are away at school or when you’re recovering from an injury that required surgery that puts the gym on hold, but you find time for knitting and those baseboards. Or when you’re recovered, when they’re a bit neglected so you can make it to the gym for your favorite workout twice a week at 10am.

We are ALL in the Good Enough Years. It may be for a variety of reasons, different and rotating through your calendars and your days, but we’re all pretty much in the same boat.

These three ideas can help you make sense of the changing seasons and know what Good Enough really means.

1. Choose what’s most important.

Ask yourself is most important for you right now. What are your priorities- In this season, in this week, in this year, in this hour?

Now, some are imposed (work or school projects, for example, or keeping your children fed) and some are chosen (after school activities or hobbies, making a homemade meal or baking a cake). The lines might get a little blurry, but the basics are non negotiable and important. It’s those extra things that need figuring out.

You can make homemade meals every night, have a sparkling home, have young kids , workout very regularly, run a business, be a great at croquet, be fashion forward, run a non profit, volunteer at school, play an instrument OR pull homemade cookies out of the oven every afternoon. You can choose a few of those things, but not all of them at the same time, and definitely not by yourself.

Because, in case you didn’t realize, you can’t do all of it yourself all of the time. Show me someone that you think IS doing all of these things and you can bet she’s getting help or she headed toward a major meltdown sooner than later. If it’s the latter, good for her. If it’s the former, God bless her soul and maybe you can be the shoulder that she cries on later. You can show her how it’s really done. Good Enough is really quite great.

It’s simply unattainable to do everything all the time. Some things have to give for others to flourish. So what are your priorities?

Only you can decide what’s most necessary and important for you and your family. And then you use the time and resources you have to make those things happen. Spend wisely on the things that light you up and reap the most benefit.

It’s kind of like those choose your own adventure books. You have choices to make, and you can’t have all of the pages open at the same time.

Is time outside in nature super important? Or making music? Or following a thorough cleaning schedule? Do you like fashion and nice outfits, or long runs and sweatpants? There’s no wrong answer. There’s just deciding what’s most important for you deep in your soul. Not what your in laws want or you thought you should do. What you actually want to do.

And remember, you can choose. It may not even seem like there’s a lot that you can choose, there might not be a lot of wiggle room left after the non negotiable things. But there’s probably more that you can decide than you’ve let yourself believe. Do less of something you thought you had to do and more of something that you want to. Find some space, even if it’s inches.

It doesn’t mean choosing (or implementing) will be easy, or perfect. It just means that you work for something, because you can, and because it’s okay for something to be important for you.

Because, mostly, later is an illusion.

One choice at a time, you are making room for what’s most important in your life. True priorities don’t just exist in your mind, you see them lived out in your reality. And if you want something badly enough, you make the time for it.

2. Be okay with what’s not.

*Remember what you’ve chosen and remind yourself. Not only is it okay, it’s good, both the choosing and the letting go. Because you can’t do all of it all the time, you must choose not only what’s most important for you, but also what to let go of. What becomes “Good Enough” is good enough because something is better. Some things can be more important and somethings can be less important. It’s necessary, even.

Good enough means you’re doing the best with your resources, time, and mental and emotional capacity. If you are intentional with the resources that you have, you can let go of the guilt. You are, quite literally, doing the best that you can. It’s not a cop out or an excuse for mediocrity. It’s reality. Many of us have a lot of things that pull us in a lot of different directions. With so much on our plates, it’s more than okay to choose.

Focusing on one area more intensely means that another area has to take a back seat. If everything was getting equal time, that would mean that everything was getting only fraction of your resources. Everything is good enough. So maybe having some things be good enough is okay.

Don’t feel guilt about it. Remember, your choices are about what means the most to you right now. That’s all you could ever hope for yourself.

Sometimes I tell myself these lies. That I don’t look or dress a certain way because I don’t have the time. Then I see moms with perfect hair and styled outfits and before my eyes I see what I thought was impossible be made possible. How do they do it? Honestly, because they made it a priority. If I wanted it badly enough, I could have that too.

Time isn’t infinite, though, so that means that something else would have to give. I could trade in fifteen minutes of Instagram or even my workouts, or my baseboards, but do I really want to? I shouldn’t complain, but I can choose differently if I want. At this point, I obviously don’t.

3. Adjust as you need to, want to, and as life continues to unfold.

I used to spend two days getting ready to host an evening with friends. I’d dust all the rooms, wash the baseboards, maybe even polish the silverware. There would be homemade everything, maybe a theme that touched on the book. Like the time I sought out moonshine, just before the curve where it was really cool, all because we had read a book set in bootlegging West Virginia. Sigh. That was fun.

The last time I hosted Bookclub, I cleaned only the room that we’ll be in, and the kids help me set the table. I prepped the salad, chopped the veggies. I skipped mopping the floor like I had planned, because the day was beautiful and called for me to bring the kids outside for an hour at the the park. I have no hope of reading the book, or even watching the movie like my husband and I discussed as plan B (an option I had never used before but was prepared to. I still couldn’t manage. Even plan B was deserted, and that was okay.) I managed to make a homemade dessert that wasn’t pretty, but tasty, and an easy dinner. It didn’t diminish the wonderful time that I had with my friends, in the least. And I had time with my precious children. That was a double win. I showed up, I opened my doors, deeply ensconsed in the good enough years.

Winning looks different in different seasons.

These are what it look ps like, right now. Kids, and clean enough and homemade enough, and hopefully, love enough. Next week’s Good Enough may look different, next month’s even, and next year’s probably will. That’s okay; it’s good, even.

I’ll probably still ignore my baseboards for most of each week, try to get outside everyday, hopefully with my kids, workout most every day and ignore my hair about the same amount. But I know I can change and choose whenever life demands or I decide.

In all of it, our Good Enough Years Are Good Enough. They are enough. Because there is never enough time, we must be gracious with ourselves. Realistic of ourselves. Purposeful with our resources. May your Good Enough be a reflection of what’s most important to you. May you let go of what you must, find delight in what you have set as a priority and let go of guilt for what must be “good enough”.

So tell me? What do you choose to be Good Enough, so that something else might be great? I want to hear. Because those are the very decisions that make life great. Extraordinary, even.

Go bask in the glow of your “good enough” today. Xox