Dear Working Mom: Please stop worrying about what you miss while you’re away

Hey there, working mom. Are you looking longing at the stay at home moms, with all of that quality time and entire days at home with their kiddos? I know. You wish you had all of those precious moments-to kiss their heads and love them well. It’s so hard to be gone for hours and then return to them in smaller sections of time. It’s hard. It’s really hard.

But you know what else is real? You’re probably not missing out on just as much amazing stuff as you think you are. I know that you probably don’t believe me. And yes, there are exceptions, and there are certain moments that you do miss, of course. But in general, you can probably skip a large majority of that mom guilt.

Here’s the real deal.

We are all working moms.

Part time, full time, at home or away, and yes, even the stay at home. We know that being home with the kids all day is work. It’s work next to them, or near them, maybe sometimes along with them.

Have you ever known someone who is retired, and who is busier now than they were while they were working? Have you ever had a week off from work and you just get to be home and you make a grand list of to do’s? Then at the end, did you maybe wonder where all of the time went? You marvel that you didn’t get nearly as much done as you thought you might. You then marvel at how you ever get anything done during your normal schedule.

See, when you work, you tend to pare life down to the most important. You streamline and keep away that for which you have no time. When you are available, more things come in to fill that space. More obligations and more possibilities. More laundry and meals and messes. More expectations of what you can do at home because, well, you’re home (whether internally or externally noted.)

The reality is, it’s kind of like standing on the edge of a dam. You see massive amounts of water on one side and a wide open space of opportunity on the other. You imagine what life would look like without the large commitment of time at work that you have.

But guess what. The very act of you stepping (or jumping as it were) onto the other side would tip the scales. Life changes to fill in these gaps of time. If you were to jump into that calm open space of water, like the floodgates opening up, your life at home with the kids would fill in with all of that volume. The water would come rushing in, filling up the space you thought was open and available.

When you think about the possibility of being home with your children full time, you might romanticize it. We all do. You see hours of opportunity- to bake cakes, explore nature, and learn Spanish together. To keep your house clean, finally catch up on the laundry, organize all the closets, build a rocket ship, and of course dispense incredible amounts of important information and time into their developing brains. You know, superhero status.

Stay at home moms are super busy too, or distracted, or touched out, or juggling so much they aren’t enjoying it as much as they wish they could. They may even be craving a little away time so they might appreciate the sight of their kids a bit more. Like you can. Or, EVEN IF they’re rocking it, they honestly may not be getting any more quality time with their kids than you are. This seems crazy, but it is very possibly true. (Can I get a witness?!)

This whole “stay at home” mom term is probably pretty new, but the reality is that life is work. Moms and women have always worked to keep their loved ones fed, clothed, and cared for. It looks different at different times (like in early homestead times with the farming, the canning, the curing of meats, the sweeping of dirt floors, the chicken plucking, fire tending, and warding off dangers of various degrees.) Modern conveniences have allowed us to do things differently, giving us more wiggle room, perhaps, or more options. But this often leaves us (or is it just me?!) with a guilty feeling when we can’t just be MOM.

Yet, the truth is, being a mom has always been work.

Have Moms throughout history had this problem of the guilt that often goes along with the work? Or is this level specific to our time in history and culture? Have we always heaped so much guilt upon ourselves for providing for our families? What is it about modern life and the act of leaving for work that sometimes cause us to feel so terrible?

Can we remember that whatever it is we are doing, we are caring for our families all the same- in the home, in the office, in the field.

Can we stop feeling guilty for the work and the “away”?

Now, don’t get me wrong. I see the immense value in being there. I have joyfully spent full days and weeks and years caring for children-sitting on my knees, and in the dirt, playing for hours, pushing the swings and strollers as a devoted nanny. Now as a mom myself, I work part time, both out of the house and from home writing and blogging. I was also raised by a full time working single mom, who gave me more love than seemed possible. I personally know many sides of this coin, and I see them clearly from so many angles.

I can also tell you, ultimately, it doesn’t matter.

The relationship you will have with your children is not dependent on any of that. Your relationship is not determined by whether or not you work, where you work, how you work or even how much you work. All of those things are merely details.

Who of us had our moms that did the dishes or went to work, or had their backs to us while they did the laundry or the dishes or baked the pies? Did we hate the, for it? No. We loved them anyway. Because they were our mom.

My mom was a working mom out of necessity. I had babysitters and big sisters. I had loads of alone time, and often a tired mom at the end of the day. But none of that mattered. I never counted the ways she wasn’t there. What mattered was that she was the sun and the moon. She was my mom, no matter what, and certainly no less because she worked. All that mattered is that we were family; she was my home.

So, if you don’t happen to be home with your children for the majority of the time, please don’t fret so much. It’s going to be okay.

Having all the time is not necessary. It’s what you do with the time that you have that matters. You don’t need ALL day. Very few of us of us would ever really have ALL day anyway. That’s life. And that’s okay.

We are all working.

Whatever your work status, all moms struggle with juggling time and the weight of guilt. Mom guilt is not reserved for working mom, it effects all of us at times. (Honestly, sometimes I feel it most when I’m home for a full day and “should” be playing with them and enjoying them, but other things need to get done. Sometimes the most guilt I feel is when I’m with them but want to do other things.)

The guilt is the most robbing thing of all, not the work. We all go to bed considering the time we had or didn’t have, the love that we gave and the ways that we think we failed, wondering, “Was it enough?” The truth is, worrying about what you’re NOT and having guilt for what you miss only robs you more of what you DO have at your disposal- your heart, energy, attention and the time that you have. Don’t let guilt be your boss, or be your guide.

Let the love that you feel in your heart guide your actions and your actions will build your relationships. Let your momma love lead.

It’s not the amount of time that makes the most difference. It’s taking advantage of the quality time that you can.

What time do you have with your kids today? You get to choose HOW you spend the time with your kids. No always the WHAT, because dinner, bath, homework, and bedtime are real. But you can choose how you participate in that experience. Is there some quality that you can find in those moments?

It’s not ever about what you do. It’s how you do it.

Look your children in the eye. Give them five, ten, fifteen or a hundred undivided moments. (The number doesn’t matter. Remember, kids are terrible time keepers and tellers! Use that to your advantage.) Hug them and snuggle them whenever you can. I know that you care for them so much. Keep it up. Give them both the discipline and love that they need. Connect with them, listen to them, love them, full stop.

That’s what matters. Those things and those moments will override any number of minutes you’re not together.

I’ll take three spoonfuls of decadent Haggen Diaz over a whole bowl of mindless, boring frost bitten, off-brand ice cream any day. How about you? Be the Haggen Daz. And stop worrying about volume, and just concentrate on the quality.

How you connect when you are together is what matters.

The mom who returning from working outside the home has now before her a similar opportunity that the stay at home mom had earlier. You may feel guilt for not being there, but you should know that the woman living the opposite life, and probably you if you were in the other slippers, feels guilt for how she didn’t connect or how inadequate or overwhelmed she felt. (Perhaps, after playing Clue Jr and reading 1000 books, she’s now sidling off to another part of the house, or out the door as her partner returns, looking for a little breathing space.)

When you return from work, whether you have a deep level of joy at retuning to your little people, or deep level of exhaustion, there’s a fresh opportunity for you and your children to connect.

When you hug your children, take a breath. Be in that moment. Don’t beat yourself up for when you’re not THERE. Instead, when you are there, BE there, soak it in as best you can, exhausted or invigorated on any given day. That’s what makes a difference- not a hundred mediocre minutes, a few meaningful ones.

And honestly, I am saying this for YOU. Your children aren’t as critical of us as we can be of ourselves.That time “away” didn’t matter so much.

When they turned their faces to us and looked at us, how did it feel, how did we love? That’s the difference. They will be happy to BE with you.

When they are grown your children won’t care if you were washing dishes or making dinner while you were together. They won’t hate you for working. Work status, time apart, school schedules, none of that can diminish what you mean to one another. They don’t define why or how we love. Family is a type of love that goes beyond circumstances and schedules. It’s a love that is powerful.

The trick is not WHAT you are- working mom, part time, full time, stay at home, work from home. It’s WHO you are. You are amazing just as you are. Their forever parent. Their home base. Their constant love that comes home, that stays home, that IS HOME.

Your children are so blessed by your care. Stop feeling guilty. Don’t dismiss yourself by some unrealistic self expectation. Be as amazing as you are right now. It’s already more than enough to give.

So working moms, don’t feel bad. (And stay at home moms, don’t be so hard on yourself, either.) Let go a little more of the guilt for what’s NOT and enjoy for a moment, what IS. You, that family you work so hard to care for, and this solitary moment to enjoy them.