Happy Mother’s Day, To Those Nobody Calls Mom

Mother’s Day is here! It’s flowers and elephants everywhere. Elephants, you wonder? Yes, there’s an elephant in the room, and I want to talk about it. There are so many beautiful, amazing women that feel pain, longing or discomfort on Mother’s Day. Because motherhood is a deep, indisputable part of woman’s soul, whether a woman ever has any children or not, I want to talk about that beautiful, important elephant. To honor women everywhere, who are Mothers in many different ways. Happy Mother’s Day, to those nobody calls mom.

There are women who do not bear the official title of mom, yet for so many, a part of her soul feels connected to the heart of motherhood. Like a pulse underneath her skin that cannot be denied, but merely has trouble being defined.

Mom, not mom. Foster mom, surrogate mom, miscarriage mom, waiting mom. Some of us struggle with the definitions. Though you understand and maybe know in theory that your worth cannot be defined by one title alone, without people call to call you a certain name, there’s a vagueness that feels uncomfortable. We struggle to properly realize or define the feelings in our heart.

Though I am a mom now, I felt that for a long time myself. Before anyone ever called me “mom”, I struggled to define my feelings, and often celebrated Mother’s Day sorting through them. For nine years I was married, mothering as part of my vocation, and unsure if I would ever have (or need) children of my own. I was a mothering non-mom. I know there are so many of us. I see you, too. I honor that struggle. With a varying sense of wonder and appreciation for beauty, understanding your own innate value, and acknowledging some level of pain accepting your own story and honoring the gaps. I know deep in your heart and have trouble justifying some of what this day of cards and flowers means for you.

It’s funny that I mentioned the elephant in the room. I merely meant to use it as a saying, the thing unmentioned that should be mentioned. But the more I thought about it, the more the elephant visual speaks. Elephants are faithful, elephants have long memories. Women elephants care for the young that are all around them, even those that are not their own. Elephant aunts are an incredibly important part of elephant society. Elephants are innately mothering and caring for one another. I believe women are too. And it’s not just always about children.

I believe that there are not enough categories to define the ways that a woman brings life to the world. To people, to places, to love. A woman’s heart is made to bear, to hold close, and to bring life to things, in a myriad of ways. Maybe it’s an idea, a creative work, a business. Sometimes it’s a human being, but that is not the only chance in life to mother. There are chances all along the way. Many of us practice as little girls, caring for our stuffed animals and dolls, dogs and siblings. Becoming a mom is not the final culmination of that innate dream. It is merely one of them.

Am I not a mother, or less of a woman if nobody calls me “mom”?

No, no you are not. You are not, you are not.

Whether or not you want to ever go on to bear children, you have probably have found something or someone in life right now that you love well. It is a part of womanhood that cannot be limited or defined by one expression. There are Caretakers, nannies, helpers, wives, who care with the spirit of a mother, for hours and hours at a time, for their whole lives. Women whose hearts hold as much love as it can contain for another soul. There are gardeners, animal lovers, nature preservers. Your love has made a difference to something. Any act of love becomes multiplied by sharing. In caring for what you have cared for, you have connected with the spirit of creation and of motherhood.

You pour the all-encompassing, life giving love of a mother onto your families, your sisters, your parents. Your gardens, your home, your books, your pets. You give space and attention, the devotion of motherhood, to the things around you, and you make them the most valuable.

It matters. And the whole earth thanks you, for sharing the beauty that is in you, the power to bring life. You are a mother, simply because you are a woman. Women cannot help but create, bring life to something out of love.

Yes, we should throw flowers at mother’s whose sleep is disrupted and thoughts interrupted daily on repeat. But we should not deny the spirit of a mother that is in all of us. It should be celebrated, acknowledged, and honored every day, and Mother’s Day is no exception.

Sometimes the things that she loves have no words to describe, or yet, no voice, to utter thanks. Today, I will try to be that voice.

Happy Mother’s Day to those who are not called “Mom”.

From the places you made more beautiful or safe, an otherwise neglected corner of the world, hear the “thank you” whispered in the breeze.

From the pets that you care for so deeply and love so well, hear the ‘thank you mom’ come from their contented sigh.

From the womb that held, even for a little while, a life, hear it. “Thank you, mom. You gave space for my heart to beat.”

From the children you cared for in a season, who can’t find the way for the words to reach you. Hear this, “thank you. Your love helped save my life.”

When you look at your garden, or what you created in your kitchen or with your hands, I hope you see it smile back, “Thank you for making me beautiful.”

From the business you are building, pouring in sweat and tears. The people it will bless, the legacy it will leave. Hear “thank you for new opportunity.”

May you feel the love you have given return to you, in thanks. 
A hug, an embrace for your care.  
A bow, a whisper, in gratitude, 
for all of the love you have given 
the life you have brought forth.

From heaven itself, 
from a Father who sees 
what one else does, “It’s Me that you please.”

We are no less of a woman because of loss or difference, lack or what seems like a void at first glance. We all are Mothers, in whatever way we are meant to be right now. We, too, honor you.