Learning to Let Go

My daughter is teaching me a lot these days.  Well, quite honestly, she always does.  But I have a *little* more time to take note now. I’m more of a sitting duck. (Anyone else starting to feel like that?). And one of the biggest things I’m learning here at home? I must learn to let go.

Take this morning, for example.  She was my yoga instructor.  A tiny, free spirited little yoga instructor, with impossibly beautiful, tangled bed head, somewhat knee stained tights, layered jewelry, and long limber appendages.

She watches me do yoga for twenty stolen minutes at a time, and she sometimes joins in. Today, she wants to be my teacher. I have resolved (lately, and again, on repeat) to try to look at her and noticed what she needs and what she might be thinking. I see she needs a chance to express, to accomplish something even within these fours walls of our home. I agree to be her student, and let her do just that.

She is firm and kind.  Her voice is gentle but both her confidence and her expectations of me are unshakable.  I try to breathe and let go and let her lead. 

Something I’ve learned about myself more recently: I don’t like being told what to do.  This surprises me because I’ve always been a rule follower, and a people pleaser.  Or so I though.  Turns out I’m actually questioner (which I found out thanks to Gretchen Rubin and her book The Four Tendencies. You can learn more about that here https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/)

Having my daughter instruct me sounds adorable, but truthfully, I can sometimes find it maddening.  My insides curdle.   I don’t want to do exactly as she says when we’re playing make believe.

I realize, as I internally retract a little, that if I were in a yoga class, I would have no trouble doing what the instructor said.  I would, in fact, try to do most everything to the best of my ability.  I’d probably want to excel even.   So here at home, what’s different?  At class it make sense. It’s expected. Here at home it doesn’t feel so clear.

Here, at home, in my own space, where I’m supposed to be “mom”, I find it tricky sometimes to be fun and let go. I find it especially hard to do that and yet also reign it in and be the voice of authority.    My mind is racing to the next thing I should be doing.  The stresses I have of what has to be done.  The more I think about it, the more agitated I can become.  I watch myself retract from what I was seeking, because of external pressures. I hate that.

I find that I resist because I think I should.   After all, there are grown up things I should consider. The dishes, the structure, the places that I question how I’m doing. Is she too bossy? Am I too lenient? 

Now, in realizing what I’m thinking, I’m also realizing how ridiculous it sounds.  This is what I say that I crave, after all.   Quality time with my children and my family.   But for all of the efficiencies that I have learned on the one hand, I may have traded in some of my joy on the other.  

I don’t chastise myself   That’s not the point of learning. I observe. I observe what’s going on in my mind first. Then I move on from there to how it feels in my body and my heart.

So this time, when I feel my resistance, I decide to try something else.

I let go.  

You know what, it felt really good. I do the moves she invents as best as I can.  Some of them are complicated and interesting to say the least. But I embrace the twister-like adventure of it and get to work some muscles in a unique way.   Even though I must opt out of a few poses to care for an old shoulder injury that started to nag me again.  

I’m not a doormat or a mindless follower of a tiny dictator. (Though it feels like it could go down this path if allowed.) I’m just trying to learn how to let go.  Not forever, not completely abdicating the “throne” or responsibilities (which also, honestly sounds nice sometimes)   But in small batches, in manageable blocks of time. Like a class. I hang my “Leader” hat at the door, and for a while, I become the student.  

But I have let go of control and pressure for a while, thereby allowing my daughter the chance to try out some of her talents, and to shine.

That’s what I want, after all. I want to see her grow and flourish. In order for that to happen, I must give her a chance in the sun.  Without the shade of my limitations blocking out the bright.

You know what else. It was quite magical  .  It was one of those moments that you look back at the end of the day and smile. She’s a fierce teacher.  She’s firm and maybe a little bossy.   But she cares for me and she expects great things.  And she’s fun.  

In her, I see so much clear, uncluttered confidence and magnetism.  In letting her lead, I learn even  more.  The beautiful balance of love and high standards.  I see true heart.  I see the mom I hope to be.   I see a flash of both what I’m doing right and what I could do better   I see a reflection into the past things we’ve built together and as a reflection into the future-  of what we each can build, both together as well as apart.  

I had to eventually end the session (Thank you, timer trick. See, not fully abdicating the throne.)  Because my teacher is still learning.  She  otherwise would literally not stop until she became so overworked or so mentally exhausted from  her efforts or so hungry for breakfast that our session ended in tears. She still needs to learn some boundaries and life skills, like nourishing your body and time management.  

Just like I am.  On repeat.

I’m learning to let go. I’m also leaning that it’s not always either/or.   Not just structure or free play,   Learning or teaching, Discipline or freedom, Control or free spiritedness.    It is, or can become, a sway between all of these things. A beautiful sway. Its learning how to transition, learning how to both maintain certain boundaries and let go a little.

It’s trying to enjoy the ride.    I hope you find a way to let go in one small way today and enjoy the life that’s in front of you. Not just what you think you should do. But what your soul and your people need you to do. ❤️