Lumps, Bumps, and Scary at night – finding God there

I wasn’t sure when exactly I was going to tell this story, but for three weeks in August I was wrestling with something and wondering what was next. Maybe you’ve been there, maybe you are there, or maybe someday you will be. For whoever else needs this today, It’s not only about me, it’s about truth for all of us. Truth if we’ll just hold on….

Three weeks ago I found a lump. In my breast, right over my heart, on the left side. The kind that stopped me in the shower, sending me in a several- moments long tailspin. Life suddenly flashed before my eyes and I was wondering what life might be like for my kids, let alone for me next, and for my family. But especially my kids. Mom with a lump was not something one expects for their kids.

As they played and got ready and argued a bit as usually, coming to me for help, just outside the curtain where I was suddenly myself now catapulted into another world, I tried to steady my heart, even as my mind raced. What would I have to go through, how would I fight?
What would it be like for these kids if they had to go on without me? How much time might I have to finish things I thought I had been given to finish?

I don’t know. It all sounds so self important and overreacting now, but my heart was reeling. But you’re probably starting to skim to get to the answers here, too. Wanting to know what is going on. Just as I wanted to know for my own family. I think it happens to the best of us sometimes.

Have you ever been there? Facing something like that, which may be nothing or may be quite something? I know some of you absolutely have. You walked through those fires, you jumped through those hoops, and you’ve climbed those very menacing mountains. And you’re still here.
Thank you by the way. thank you. I counted your names, and it gave me courage, even as I struggled wrapping my thoughts around the possibilities.

I wrestled and thought. Suddenly I counted every minute differently, and continued to for the next hours and days ahead, while we tried to figure it out. It felt all so much more sacred and heavy and fleeting. The way it usually is, really, but we just don’t always know.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t shaking a bit that first afternoon, even as I tried not to, and certainly not to let on.

Hours later, I sat on our back deck in early lovely evening to talk it through with the Lord- the first person I ever told.
Yes, person. I know, He knew exactly what was going on. He knew long before I did. He knew at that moment as I imagined worst case scenarios, without even really trying. He knew exactly what was happening and what was going to happen. He knew my state of worry and my “diagnosis”, long before I ever knew I needed one. I looked to Him for answers, but firmly got none except this:

“When you walk through the water, I will be there. When you go the fire you will not be burned. I will be with you.”

It was heavy, those words, but not like the burden I was carrying. Heavier in a weighty sense, like a fire blanket that helped to douse my inner raging fires. They were still there, embers crackling with the unsurity of things.

But the truth is, the promise I received from the Lord was both heavier in a good way, and stronger than all of my raging fears and assumptions. He would be there. He already was. I breathed it in, through, out.

I wasn’t fully consumed anymore by these thoughts of “what if”, of battles I didn’t want to have to fight, ones would never sign up for. I still thought of them, but they didn’t fully consume me. There are things of life that are less desirable, and never chosen- and they can be overwhelming. But you know what is stronger, and more powerful?

His Love. His love His love, His Love.

And I didn’t have to walk through the next three weeks of waiting for various doctor’s appointment without peace. I didn’t have wait for a good diagnosis for peace. I got it weeks ago, at what I knew as the start of this solo journey.

Now, if you know me, you know I’ve been a worrier in the past. I think it’s a bit of a care-taker phenomenon, being a worse case scenario- preparer and anticipator at times. But not anymore. It’s not that I don’t ever worry, I don’t worry the way that I used to. God’s love has changed that, the way that I process information.

I mean, His Love was always there, as it is, with His nature. But allowing it in, and deeper, is what’s continually changed me.
I don’t have to wait for a clear diagnosis to feel relief. I don’t have to wait to be through the storm to have peace. I can have it right where I am, because God is with me.

And that’s what I’ve had for three waiting weeks. God with me, and a praying family, and a few praying friends. We don’t need much more sometimes, most of the time, that is. Thats a pretty powerful combination.

What I held on to is knowing that God was with me and would be with me- for whatever might be next, and certainly for whatever would be. He is good and He will be good to me, that I knew. I knew because He told me, and I know Him enough to trust Him when He tells me something.

My husband was wonderful while we waited. He held on tight and prayed for me, and with me. He agreed when I said I knew it would be okay, either way, because God was with me. I could tell it shook him too, thought, the thought of what might be.

Still, we, like I said, we didn’t have to wait for Peace. Because the Person of Peace was holding us- in every embrace, in every prayer, in every breath, really.

He was, and has always been, faithful

Now I three weeks later have a full, great diagnosis. It’s just a grape sized cyst that might occur again and has no need for intervention. I’m so grateful. I am so relieved. But honestly, I was just as peaceful before as after, and I know if the story was different with what they found, the sma prince of Peace would have been in the room with me, able to enable me to handle whatever was next.

Yet I am, so so grateful. To go back to life as “normal”. To get back to the work of living, but remembering living is not all guaranteed. While the kids never knew anything was going on, and I always try to live in the “now”, I hope that they benefit even more from the inner wake up call momma had. The double sided reminder: we do not have forever, and God is truly with us all.

I’m also so grateful for all of you who have had to walk through these things. I’m so so grateful that none of ever have to alone.

If you ever are facing something like this- a diagnosis or a possible one, for yourself or for someone else- I pray that you will lean on Him, and let Him hold you all, too. And if you ever need prayer, I’m here for that too. Please, Just reach out. Xx

Happy Sunday, friends. Today’s a gift, just like every day. Let’s unwrap and enjoy all that the Lord has to offer us.

I’m so grateful that He’s got us all.🫶🏻

Isaiah 43….
“Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name; you are mine.
When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.
For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom;
I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place.
Others were given in exchange for you.
I traded their lives for yours
because you are precious to me.
You are honored, and I love you.

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
I will gather you and your children from east and west.
I will say to the north and south,
‘Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel
from the distant corners of the earth.
Bring all who claim me as their God,
for I have made them for my glory.
It was I who created them.’”