The summer of no bucket list

Some years I make bucket lists.  Filled blank pages with beautiful wishes for summer.  Each new day, pick your own adventure, capture the moments, make the memories.  That’s so good, and we should be doing those things. Life should be savored and enjoyed.  But I don’t want to make a list and I don’t want to follow it.  I really don’t.   I just want to ride the wave of summer and see where it takes me.  I want to trust a more invisible hand that’s already writing my story. 

Most of the best things in my life have come unplanned, and I would like to not merely keep it that way, I’d like to increase that.  Because God has been faithful, more faithful than I’ve asked or deserved.  He’s orchestrated days and times and seasons, friendships I could t have planned, and adventures I could never dream.  Why should this summer should be any different? 

What about some the planning and decisions?  I’ll know what to do when we get there. We as a collective family will figure it out.  I have to trust that we will know when to sleep late and run later, when to snuggle and read, or when we need to hop in the car and adventure, time for fun and maybe a little chaos.  

I’ll know we’ll know.  I trust that. We have have never been alone, anyway. We’ve always had the kindest and most gentle guide.    

A few times I doubt.  I thought about what someone would say about things, one way or another. I stand at a crossroad, I contemplated, hesitated, vacillated.You know what happened? Everything worked out eventually, one way or another.  But I wasted a lot of time and effort trying to figure things out.  And I forgot to simply ask for direction from God.. 

I’m tired of planning or overthinking and second guessing.  Sometimes it comes so natural, my feet are bobbing on the surface and I’m riding a river of trust.  Other times I’m at a fork in the waterway, and as I start to flow towards one, I second guess, I wonder, I worry. I grab for the nearest tree branch and hang on for dear life.  I fret over the options for too long, and time like a current passes me by.  Then a choice is taken by default, and I’ll never know what would have been otherwise  

But I still can overthink it.  I can wonder, especially when things go wrong, why it had to go this way.  Why I had to go this way.  I replay the reasons I had weighed, the end results I had calculated, the faces that had come to mind, the presumed responses I had measured.   And sometimes they feel most irrelevant and unimportant now.     

When I overthink I’m usually thinking about a hundred other things or people.  I’m tuning out my own intuition and failing to trust that I have an inner helper and an inner guide.  It’s not that want to live without care or consideration for others.   But I should remember and understand that the Lord is living in me, and He is my hope that I won’t drown, not my grasp on the river’s winding paths.   When I feel the need to figure it out with my intellect and reasoning alone, when I’m dragging my feet in distrust and fear. I’m weighing this whole thing down.   

The thing is, I don’t have to figure it all out. My understanding is not a condition for success. My mental gymnastics are not a requirement.  In fact they’re usually a hindrance. Even if things work out, all that exercising and worrying and wondering does this at the very least: it makes it more difficult for me to be at peace.  If I’m trying to figure out all of my options or  feel out what is  the best for so long, sometimes it’s because I’m thinking of everyone else but forgetting the Lord.

(Like this piece for instance. When I sat down to write, I didn’t intend to write this.  It makes me pause for a second, I’m tempted to overthink it, worry how it might be taken, wonder what others might say.  But then I remember that I’m asking to be guided and I can trust that it’s happening.  Especially since I know Who I’m asking. I trust that it’s for someone or some purpose.  I can’t hold on so tightly even to the words that I write or the things that I may ever build.  Because I’m building it for someone else.  Not for myself, and He’s someone that I can trust.  So I kick up my heels, let go of the other “things”, hang on to Him, and release it.)

Right now, I want nothing more than to do what he wants. I want to kick up my feet and ride the waves this summer. I don’t want to be carried away by my own desires or in any selfish way. But I want to be carried along by His Spirit. I want to stay connected and grounded in Him, but I don’t want to stay where I am or the way that I am.  I wanna kick up my heels, let go of the resistance and trust Him.    I want to trust that greater is He that is in me, He’s working all things together for my good.  I don’t need to stress over the details I just need to keep looking to him and ask him. Remember that I don’t need to over complicate the listening part, I just need to keep going. Hear the Voice behind me saying, “This is the way, walk in it.”  I can trust Him. More than I trust myself to get it right   

So I’m trusting  the empty space more, the blank pages, the empty notebooks of summer.  I’m going to keep checking in with the Father and trust Him.  Trust that He’s in everything, the unplanned, the uncaptioned, uncaptured, unforced.  I will not be rushed or forced, by some (my own) invisible hand of obligation. 

I will be led by the spirit that is freedom.   Guided by a hand of love, that sometimes feels invisible, but becomes more visible as I keep walking.  In His right hand, it is filled with treasures.  He has made  known to me the paths of Life.

 I will open the moments unexpected, the unplanned things   I will embrace the pauses, see the unexpected blessings.  I will watch smiles erupt and bags fill with fruits of opportunity, the ripe, hanging fruit, that’s ready by the handfuls.

  I will seek peace more that I settle for clarity.   I will pursue that which feels right more than that which sounds right.  I will be guided, not by force but with ease, with love.  More unconcerned than troubled.  More happy and calm than worried.

Buckets will be filled.  But not by my planning alone.  Buckets will be filled right where we are, and wherever we go.  By a loving and gracious God.  Who loves to  fill our life with goodness, who fills us up with good things. Keeping my eyes on Him,  we’ll be filled to overflowing.  Trusting that even when we might think we got it wrong, or things seem to go wrong, that HE who sits in heaven still laughs.  It was Him that I heard whispering in my ear, “this is the way, walk in it.”  And even IF I got it wrong, He’s unconcerned.  About all of  these things that would trouble me.  He’s got it, and He’s got me.

 He is with me, and He is faithful.  He works it out, anyway.   My scheming and trying don’t ever accomplish near as much as I think that anyway.  It’s Him.  His faithfulness. Everything will work out because that’s what He does. He works all things together for good. And it is God who works in you birth to will and to act for His good pleasure. (Phil 2:13)

So settle in. Surrender to the Holy Spirit.  It’s Him working.   So you can kick up your feet and trust Him.  He’s got you AND He’s working it out.  No matter what happens, He won’t let you go.

 I’m throwing out my bucket, throwing up my hands, and I’m going to enjoy this ride.   Because that’s what happens when you trust someone like God. You get to be surprised, and that includes sometimes by your own response. It’s time to enjoy this ride of life a little more.  Tell me, what’s  not to love about a summer of surprises, all of them moving in and motivated by the flow of His Love and grace. 

Here we go…