Hey Rachel, Pam here, and I’m sorry

Hey Rachel.  I’m not really Pam. It’s me, your pal, Courtney.   Well, to be fair you don’t really know me, and that’s okay. Though I *did* think we shared a quick moment at Rise Business.  (You’re a fire breathing dragon on stage, by the way, and that weekend provided massive momentum and clarity for me. So thanks for that.)  I had pretty good floor seats, and I swear  we made eye contact while you were throwing out sign language “I love you”s. Huh.  That’s ironic, because now that I think about it, that’s really the topic that brings me here.  Love. 

Listen, I know you had a really big week and everything.  Last Sunday, while my family was excitedly awaiting our first visit from the tooth fairy, my phone was tucked away out of reach, and you announced the end of your marriage. It didn’t catch the news live, but I’m fairly certain it dropped somewhat like a bomb or an earthquake.    It felt for many like the Fairy Godmother of personal development had taken a ‘fall’  from the pedestal they had made.  The shockwaves reverberated.  I felt them too. 

I did a lot of soul searching this past week, most of it completely unrelated to you, by the way.  But I found some really interesting things about how I have lived in fear instead of love.  One of those deep ways was in sisterhood.  (Personal development is like that though, isn’t it?  No matter how many times you clean out your closet or fridge, you can find something that’s old, outdated and tragically disgusting.)   

Though I am NOT Pam, I have *ahem* found a few Pam-like tendencies.  I really tried to be loving but I found a few things getting in the way.  As we’re learning, even a little shade is still shade,  even a little hate is still hate. And it’s time for more love.  ​​​​​​​So here goes.   

First of all, I want to say I’m sorry.  I know you told us to stop apologizing and everything, but sometimes an apology is necessary. I’m sorry for everything you’re going through, sorry that it’s probably gutting you, and I’m sorry that it may have been for a while. And I’m so sorry that my initial response was uneasy and a little scared, although extremely polite.

A few weeks ago I some massive shifts in how I see racism and mercy.  I was compelled to stop piling up stones, and stop taking sides. The more I looked, the more I saw Jesus over in the dirt, not gathering stones, and I decided thats where I wanted to be too.​​​​​​​ It’s a good thing too, because, honestly, your announcement had me teetering, even though I decidedly was trying not to take sides.

That even slight discomfort that I felt deserved looking into. (The “problem” isn’t ever really the problem.  The problem is just pointing a giant flashing arrow to something that’s off in our own hearts.)

Humans feel this incredible need to justify our own beliefs and behaviors through processing the actions of others. We identify or disassociate. We take sides.  We project our judgments onto others because of fear and uncertainty and thoughts of scarcity, for ourselves and our own outcomes and success. 

Seeing you in a place of vulnerability or change or ‘failure’ scares people.  
We measure ourselves against what you are experiencing.  We learned from you, so it can feel like your ‘failure’ might mean that we are more likely to.   And that if they can judge you, we can differentiate and separate ourselves from that possibility. 

We see this and wonder “what does it mean for me?”   I’ll tell you what it means.  It means…Nothing. It means absolutely nothing for us and our success unless we want it to.  (More on that later.) 

About that pedestal, though. Yes, you put yourself on stages or soapboxes. You did things with passion and drive, out of a deep desire to help people.  
The pedestal piece? Yeah, if that happened, we did that all for ourselves.  Even if we didn’t realize it.

We’re not supposed to be putting each other up on pedestals.  I know responsibility and leadership and authenticity, blah blah blah.  These are all things people desire for our own security and sense of justice. It doesn’t mean it’s healthy.  Putting you up there made a fall inevitable, really.  If it wasn’t this one, it could have been a hundred others.  When we’re constantly measuring ourselves and each other, we’ll never measure up.  

Also, this is less seen at first, but massively important:  having you up there meant we could call the spot taken, and absolve ourselves from having to step fully and bravely into who we were meant to be. If you are up there, reigning, as it seemed, we might more safely stay in the shadows.   Your success can cause us to think that it concerns us in any way, good, bad or allowing our indifference.  

To be honest, it always kind of made me uncomfortable the way people fanned over you. When I looked at you, I saw a really cool friend with a microphone. You felt similar to me in some ways, different in others, and obviously way further ahead in others.  You had done some things I might never do.  

Seeing you have a very real moment truly exposed my fear of having one someday, too.  It uncovered a place where I’ve been kind of hiding out, afraid of being seen, of making mistakes, of putting myself “out there.”

But, the anthem that has been building in my soul is this…There isn’t any fear in love.

This is about first self love and secondly, sisterhood. I heard myself say a few times time, without any intended malice, “I don’t LOVE Rachel.” Though I thought it was discerning and wise, as in I liked you, I cherry picked what I consumed, and I didn’t fawn over you the way some people did, maybe it was something deeper.  I didn’t LOVE you, the way we’re supposed to LOVE one another. Because I wasn’t giving myself full permission to be me,  I held you at an arms length.  In not trusting myself to be me or you to be you, I projected my own fears and insecurities onto you, even slightly. I didn’t  allow any real room for either of our mistakes, actual or feared.  

That’s not what sisterhood was meant for. I should know, I just had some major healing in one of my sister relationships after 23 years this week. Twenty three years!! We were high school friends and our parents got married at the beginning of our senior year after a quick courtship.  A friend said we were like an after school special. Now one of us just needed an eating disorder.   Well we didn’t have that, but we had buckets and buckets of polite resentment, underlying uncertainties, and unwanted competition.  So there’s all of that.

We just miraculously reconciled (in no small part on my end because of the deep work I was doing last week, with extra special thanks to Gina DeVee). In that moment of finally opening up, I realized that I had rejected her emotionally all of those years ago when our parents got married, because of her big emotions and because she “didn’t handle it as well” as I did. I thought I was protecting myself from injury or trouble.    I truly didn’t realize I was creating it.  For both of us. 

I realized that my need to stay safe, follow the rules, check the boxes, and stay in line, like a nice, good girl, led me play both small and safe, and to reject others emotionally when they didn’t fit the little boxes. I’m a  kind and loving person; I thought I was being smart and safe and doing the best job that I could. I couldn’t see all of the ways my “niceness” was motivated by fear.  I didn’t even usually realize it. But here I was, doing it again to you.  And that is not right. 

We are not supposed to throw one another to the wolves because we’re scared that we will become like them or wind up in the same position.   We are are not supposed to reject one another in times of need because we’re afraid of their wounds or scars.  Maybe that’s what wolves do.   But maybe we aren’t supposed to be wolves  

We are a pack of, well…gosh darn lionesses.  They can live in a peace together without shame or fear or judging  (This thought just comes to me as I write.     I go research a little about lionesses in a pride – “no rank or hierachy among females”. WOW and YES!!)  

We have been pitted against one another as women for far too long.  Rejecting each other, judging, taking sides, FEARING.   But that’s not what we were meant to do.  We’ve been played a massive lie that we all can’t be at the top.  But, oh, maybe we can.  Maybe that’s just a lie that darkness has sold us, that keeps us all stuck and infighting and scared.  

Maybe we CAN allow one another space to heal as well as space to fly.   Maybe we don’t need to be so afraid of one another anymore.  

So Rach, let me say humbly, I’m sorry. I wasn’t made to be smart and safe and try my best —check, check, check.  I was made to be extraordinary.  And so were you. I’m deciding not to be afraid of that anymore.   

Let  me be one who gives you the space for whatever it is you need.  Your success or failure has nothing to do with me.  But my rejection or acceptance of you does.   It has everything to do with me.    

So, just like you first shouted encouragement in my ear,​​​​​​​ two years ago, a week after I made a big decision, with your two minute video telling me that I was “made for more”.  Maybe now if you read this, a week after a dramatic move of your own,​​​​​​​ I can be that for you.  (I never doubted I could add to your life if I had a chance.  I just needed a lot more love.​​)​​ Maybe now I can whisper in your ear encouragement and acceptance.  Even if I don’t understand your decision. 

Why ‘even if‘? Because Love loves without condition. Without condition, thought or fear for itself. Because your success or failure have nothing to do with mine.  Because you need and deserve support from your sisterhood, no matter what we feel. I want to love you the way we’re supposed to truly love our sisters. You don’t have to be a lone wolf, leading the pack, fearing failure or being rejected for your failings.  

My stance might be tested, I’m not infallible.  But I’m tired of loving less because I’m afraid of getting the answers wrong, like this is some kind of test.  That’s not the Love of a Savior that I know, that I am learning all over again   So let’s learn together.   How to have a Pride without pride, competition, or fear of rejection.   Let’s love like Jesus loved.  Wildly, with abandon, and not withholding because of any of our shortcomings.  That’s the kind of world Jesus made possible when he came here.  And that’s the kind of LOVE that the world needs now.   

We love you, Rach.  Even though you were a hero for many, you were never meant to be a savior.  God doesn’t ask us to be perfect and we shouldn’t ask each other to, either.​​​​​​​ 

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​​​​​​​The one thing I would say Rach, is that you don’t have to just hustle. You can rest too. So rest up, heal up I’m ready now, and will be here, God/willing, with open arms and hearts to embrace you, however you show up.   And we’ll meet you on the other side.  Like a pride of lions, we’ll be here for you   ❤️